(Closed) How to tell a family member their special needs daughter is not invited…

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: How would you handle this?
    Sit down and talk with her. : (80 votes)
    53 %
    Send one invite to her&husband, then a second invite to her other kids. : (2 votes)
    1 %
    Other. (Explain!) : (70 votes)
    46 %
  • Post # 92
    Member
    733 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Just invite the parents. Kids are an absolute nuissance at weddings anyways. You’re on a limited guest number amount? Well you could invite 3 more friends instead of 3 more runts.

    Post # 93
    Member
    733 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    And PS., the last wedding I went to, the severely mentally challenged girl was the only one who behaved.

    Post # 94
    Member
    353 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @Beautiful Bluegrass:  Sure – but thats for the PARENTS to decide.  And the families I know, the siblings would not consider it unfair. They would not want to see their brother or sister excluded or singled out.

     

    Its awesome that the OP was so receptive to seeing this from other perspectives.

    Post # 95
    Member
    9544 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    OP, you make me smile. Nobody is born inheritly knowing how to act around people that are different or how to speak in People First language. We learn through experience. And I so appreciate that you’re putting in the effort to learn how to best interact with your niece and her family. I truly admire your openess and the fact that you didn’t get defensive through this whole post. That will serve you very very well in the future. I have one last piece of advise. 

    You clearly are a very sweet woman who wants to do what is right but doesn’t have a lot of prior experience with disabilities. That’s okay. As you’ve seen here, your saving grace will often likely be “I don’t have experience with this and I want to do the right thing so can you help guide me to what would be best”. Learn from and with your niece and her family and they will so appreciate your efforts. Good luck!

    Post # 96
    Member
    4047 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    @JenGirl:  +1

    OP, I’m glad you’ve approached this so well now. Good luck with talking with the parents and having the wedding go as smoothly as possible. 🙂

    Post # 97
    Member
    2959 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I vote for ALL of the kids or none of them. That is the only fair thing to do.

    Post # 98
    Member
    2440 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    @JoJoDahling:  Thank you for listening to all of the advice and taking it to heart.  This is a very sensitive topic for a lot of people and I’m glad you’re taking precautions to not offend the family.

    @Beautiful Bluegrass:  “Fair isn’t everyone getting the same thing, fair is everyone getting what they need.”  It would be more psychologically damaging to the 4th child to be excluded and segregated from her siblings and family than it would be for the other 3 kids to not attend a wedding.

    @anahappilyeverafter:  +1

    Post # 99
    Member
    547 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @JoJoDahling:  Good luck!  From your post, I could tell that you were trying to handle this issue with the most care and delicacy that you could.  It definitely did not sound like you were trying to be mean or anything.  I know that this is an incredibly tough issue to deal with—what a total minefield from the perspective of familly politics!  But it sounds like you are working really hard to find a good solution that does not lead to misunderstandings or hurt feelings.

    Post # 100
    Member
    257 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    @JoJoDahling:  Good luck with whatever you decide and thank you for taking the time to listen to the advice given 🙂

     

    Post # 101
    Member
    9816 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    Well I’m certainly glad to see an apology in here somewhere. My daughter is Autistic, and reading this made me ill. You can dress it up however you want, but the fact of the matter is, even considering inviting a family except for “the special needs child” is, I’m sorry, absolutely appalling. I’m glad you have taken the wonderful advice you’ve gotten here seriously into consideration and that’s all I have to say about it.

    Post # 102
    Member
    2692 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    If you’re inviting the entire family, excpet her, you have to have a talk with her mom/aunt and just be honest.  They should understand and may decline to attend but that is the possibilty.

    Fi’s aunt has a VERY severely special needs son…he is 21 and still wear diapers special needs.  He is a lot to take care of and she gets help from the government for his care (she has to tie his hands behind his back as he hits himself until he bleeds, cries when overwhelmed, screeches when mad, etc).  She pretty much never takes him to big events (like weddings) so it’s pretty much understood that if she is invited she won’t take him..she wants to be able to enjoy herself too.  Also, on her invite I only reserved 1 spot for her.

    Post # 103
    Member
    3126 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2017

    @JenGirl:  +2. OP- so happy to see your update! 

    Post # 104
    Member
    989 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013
    Post # 105
    Member
    39 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: May 2013

     

     

    @JenGirl:  +1

    @KatyElle:  +1

    @JoJoDahling:  Thank you for the update. 

    Honestly, this post had left me with a bad taste I could not shake all day.  I think that your decision to respect the parents’ wishes is the right thing to do.  I am glad that you have been learning from people who responded.

    Post # 106
    Member
    247 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I had a very very special needs person at my wedding. He is 24 but has the mind of a 4 year old; he has been ‘in love’ with me for years… i am HIS emilee. he interrupts people, tried grabbing me while i walked down the isle, and walked up during our first dance to try and dance with me instead. 

     

    I knew this COULD happen, and I would never EVER have invited his brothers and sisters and not him.

     

    If you’re honestly going to have an issue then don’t invite any children. Even if you sit this women down, I can’t imagine it ending well. 

    The topic ‘How to tell a family member their special needs daughter is not invited…’ is closed to new replies.

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