Post # 1
I have an old time friend, we’re very “odd” friends people say because I’m 23 and she is 37 this year….never bothered us! But she got married a year before me (that’d be 2.5 yrs ago for her) and immediately started to TTC with her hubby.
Well, they got pregnant after 1 year and some clomid which was already excriciating for her…
1. Then she M/C at 9 weeks
2. Second pregnancy: M/C at 6 weeks
Then finally gets pregnant and goes to 6+months and has a still birth. She only spent 4 minutes with her baby before he passed.
I mean…she’s gone through HELL! This lady has a nursery all ready to go and baby clothes, bouncers, car seats…and no baby.
I love her so so much and I know she’ll be happy for me but I know it’ll make her so sad.
I mean im half her age, been married a shorter time and I am pregnant. If I were her: I’d say that really sucks.
SO, I am wondering how I could tell her. I mean…I want to be sensitive but at the same time I don’t want to baby her or sugar coat it because that might offend her (it would offend me).
*Mind you: because Darling Husband & I were so private our TTC, she has no clue this is coming. I told her I wanted to start TTC but she doesn’t know we did. In my defense: NO ONE knew–except all hundreds of you:)
Post # 3
I have a friend who has been TTC for over 3 yrs. She is now going through IVF and just had a miscarriage. I got pregnant after TTC for 2 months, and am 17 weeks now. I felt awful telling her, as you did, but then I just decided I would just tell her as I would tell anyone else and she was just so thrilled! I thought it may upset her but she just loves it and is always so excited to see my baby bump! I am sure she will understand however you tell her.
Post # 4
That’s so sweet that you care about your friend so much. Honestly, I think this good news will be something that will make her smile. She will be happy for you!
Post # 5
I had a friend like that; she was told she would never have kids. I told her the same as I would have told anyone else. She did look a bit hurt, but she congratulated me and all that. I mean, you can’t not tell her; it would become pretty obvious after awhile. It turns out my friend, six months later, got pregnant and now has a son 🙂
Post # 6
I think she’ll be happy for you… I have 3 friends in my church… We’ll call them A B and C… They all have children already and were all TTC around the same time… A began trying first (in the fall) and isn’t yet pregnant. B began trying, miscarried, and then got pregnant again. C wasn’t really TTC yet – She was planning to wait a few months but she actually got pregnant first.
So the order that they would have ideally gotten pregnant was A then B then C. The order that it happened in was C then B and A is still trying. However, they are all thrilled for each other 🙂
Post # 7
@TurtleDoves: There is not going to be an easy way to tell her. I think it will hurt no matter how you let her know.
Here’s what I would do: To make it as easy on her as possible, maybe talk somewhere private. Her home or yours, if possible? If you don’t live in the same town, over the phone is good. That way if she starts crying, it’s not in a public place.
I would just tell her the truth. Say that you’re sorry that things have turned out this way, and if you ran things, she would be having babies before you so she could give you mothering advice. You may need to give her time to process the news at this point.
When you talk again and she has had time to come to terms with it, you can tell her that you know that it sucks and that you don’t expect her to be there for you at your shower if she doesn’t feel up to it (and it’s not a decision she has to make right now, anyway). Tell her that you understand if she needs to pull away and not be as close to you right now, if that’s what she needs, but that you also won’t cut her out of your life, if that’s not what she wants, either. Tell her that you’ll let her take the lead in your friendship and that she can ask you about the pregnancy if she wants to, but you won’t volunteer that information or send a text message with a pic of the sonogram (a friend announced her pregnancy to me this way when she knew we had been trying for a long time. OUCH.) Don’t complain about your pregnancy symptoms in front of her, and try to be sensistive about what you post on Facebook.
Continue to reach out to her with messages of love and friendship, but avoid talking about the baby or pregnancy, unless asked.
Thank you for considering your friend’s feelings. You’re clearly a great friend to her to think about how this will affect her. I’m sure it will hurt if she decides she can’t be there for your shower or want to come over to meet your baby, but if you try to be understand, she will appreciate it and hopefully, eventually, you can be close again someday.
Post # 8
I would just be straight forward and honest. I had a hell of time TTC and had 3 miscarriages before this pregnancy. I was never bothered by any of my friends getting pregnant during the process.
The only one time I got upset, was when a friend got pregnant during a one night stand, because that just seemed “unfair” to me in the moment. Your pregnancy is exciting and you should be able to share the news with her and have her be happy for you.
Post # 9
I agree that you should be open and honest with her. I think she will be more hurt if you try and hide it.
Post # 10
@TurtleDoves: I totally agree with almost EVERYTHING that Bunny said….especially the part about after giving her time to process letting her know that you understand if she needs distance. You hit the nail on the head Bunny!
However, I would probably tell her over the phone. That way you’re still telling her personally (instead of in an email, text, etc.) but that way she also doesn’t have to try to hide her shock and what may be disappointment, anger, etc. She can process that way and next time she sees you she’ll probably have worked through it enough on her own to be able to be genuinely excited for you! Last summer after I miscarried a friend of mine got pregnant (told us 2 weeks after my MC) and I was so thankful that she told me over the phone. I was able to work through the feelings of feeling sad for me and move onto the feelings of being happy for her before I saw her in person. It was kind of hard for me to separate the 2 even though I was genuinely so happy for her and her husband.
Post # 11
I also agree with Bunny and Elley for telling over the phone! I have had a few good friends get pregnant immediately after starting to TTC while we were approachin gthe 1 year mark of TTC and going regularly to a fertility center. I was so glad they told me over the phone, so I could convey my happiness and excitement for them (which I was/am!) but then cry for my self after hanging up the phone.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2011 - Sydney, Australia
When people have broken the news to me, they’ve ususally done it in two ways – over email or over the phone. I would suggest NOT to go the email route (it made me upset AND stabby) but the phone, or somewhere private, would work.
Just be prepared that yes, while I’m sure she’ll be thrilled for you – there may be some of those feelings of jealousy, resentment, feeling left behind – that most of us who have been TTC-ing unsuccessfully for a while will remember all too well. Be honest with her, and be prepared to give her some time – and I’m sure she’ll come around.
Post # 13
We are going through severe IF and it has been hell. We have a 0% chance of conceiving naturally and just hope that they can find sperm in his testicle via biopsy for IVF.
I would prefer a friend email me first so I could digest the news, have a good cry and when I was ready, talk about it. I have found myself pinching myself hard while hearing a pregnancy annoucement off guard just to distract myself from bursting into tears.
On behalf of your friend, thank you for caring enough for her to think all of this through.
I know my friend who lost a baby often wishes people would ask about him and acknowledge him. People acted like he had never existed because they never knew what to say. Call him by name and remember to acknowledge the day he was born.
Post # 14
You’ve gotten some great advice here, and just wanted to send my support.
Post # 15
@bunny: that’s what I was thinking…over the phone and tell her how I wish it was her too…she deserves it…and deserved it for the last almost 3 years now. I will DEF tell her she doesn’t have to feel obligated to come to the shower or anything if it’s too much for her and then throughout the process I vow to never complain to her or act as if this pregnancy thing has been “easy come”. I might even let her know that I got a tase of how hard the TTC process was in the short time I went through it and how I can only imagine how her and her Darling Husband feel.
@Lotam: “I could convey my happiness and excitement for them (which I was/am!) but then cry for my self after hanging up the phone.” <<<This kills me.
Thanks for everyone’s support…i’m going to take strength from everyone’s stories and advice and tell my friend as soon as Darling Husband & I start telling people…she’ll be first alone with my siblings and my grandparents!
@MapleBecky: I totally get that….I make sure to call her baby by his name and on his birthday we text her…I even send her a card on mother’s day. I try as much as possible to let her know that I realize that was an actual loss of a child despite his short time here with us!
Post # 16
My best friend had/has been trying for over a year and when I found out I was pregnant I still had to tell her because she is my best friend! I told her I was five weeks pregnant and she started crying because she has JUST m/c at 5 weeks 🙁 I felt terrible but she was so happy I told her. She is actually the one planning my baby shower and we keep talking about her sitiation, she is going to go and see an infertility doctor next week. It’s hard because I want her to get pregnant so bad but she is still there for me as well. I’m still glad I told her, and I would definitley tell your friend even though it will be tough.