How to tell a friend she is not a bridesmaid?

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I was sort of in the same situation, do you have close family in the bridal party or sisters/cousins that will be standing with you? If so, so find a way to have equal amounts of both sides ( for his and your bridal party) and just explain to her that he didn’t have enough guys for you to have all the girls you wanted in the bridal party including her. Worked for me on two different girls haha. You just kind of have to pretend like you wanted her in your bridal party but can’t. She should understand and if she’s not that type just tell her straight up why it’s awkward that she never supported both of you and yet wants to be in the bridal party it dosent make any sense. 

Post # 4
Member
760 posts
Busy bee

I wouldn’t even be thinking about choosing bridesmaids yet. I picked mine 1.5 years before my wedding and my relationships and friends changed so much in that time.

Post # 5
Member
507 posts
Busy bee

^This

Check back in a year when you actually start the planning process. By then your friendship may be completely changed. 

Post # 6
Member
3825 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

She doesn’t support you because ‘she gets jealous easily’? What is that supposed to mean?? Does she have a crush on your fiance? Is she just jealous you’ve found the person you want to marry?

Giving her a heads up about the proposal seems weird to me? But maybe you were just being open about it with all your friends. 

In any case, don’t ask your bridal party until 1 year out, maximum. There’s loads of stories on here about people who picked too early and relationships changed in that time. See how things pan out until then. 

Post # 7
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with the PPers – you have so much time ahead of you. Stall the issue and say you haven’t & won’t begin picking the wedding party until much closer to the time and see what happens. Things can change a lot of 6-12 months, and as time goes by the immediate expectations following the proposal will die down slightly.

Also, maybe you could offer some clarifcation on the ‘jealous easily’ comment. Does she have a crush on your Fiance, or has she been single for a long time and finds signs of her friends committing and settlnig down hard? I had a friend who fell into the second category, and I have to say that whilst I tried to be as sensitive as possible to the fact that I knew she found being alone hard, she was never anything but supportive and interested in her friends’ wedding plans.

Post # 8
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Sorry, but i dont think she is your good friend. Friends are supposed to be supportive no matter what. 

And yes, just wait..everyting can change;) 

Post # 9
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

She doesn’t sound like a great friend.  Do you think she was upset that she found out about the engagement on social media versus you telling her? It does sound like it was probably just jealousy..

 

I wouldn’t talk about wedding stuff with her or bring up choosing the wedding party.  Proably best to wait 6 months to a year from now to start asking people, and you can see where your relationship with her is at that point.

Post # 10
Member
32 posts
Newbee

I wouldn’t worry about it until another year or so.  So much could change before your wedding. If it comes up, just say that you haven’t even thought about bridesmaids yet.

 

Post # 11
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee

The next time she brings it up, can you not just say to her, “Jane, my bridesmaids are going to be X and Y. I am not asking you, because of the many times in the past you haven’t been supportive of my relationship with Tom.”

Seems easier than running around pretending you would have asked her if you had room for her, in my opinion. Unless you’re content to never confront her about her shitty behavior so she keeps behaving in a shitty manner forever.

Post # 12
Member
508 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I would wait.  I picked my Bridespeople out 1.5 years before my wedding.  While I still love them all and wouldn’t change my bridespeople at all, I have definitely not been as good about keeping in touch with one of them as I should be.  Relationships really do change.  I would ask them 8 months out.  

And when it comes to telling her that she’s not a bridesmaid, I would just not bring it up.  If she asks, I would be honest with her.  Tell her that you don’t really feel like she’s supportive of your relationship, and that you need people who support you by your side day of.

Post # 13
Member
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Don’t ask your bridesmaids yet! There’s NO way for them to know if they’ll be available to be in your wedding in 2020, and by that point you might have new close friends or have had falling outs with old friends! I was engaged for 2 years before I picked my bridal party (I asked them 14 months away from my wedding). I’m super glad I waited because I drifted from people I orginially would have asked and got closer with others that I did end up asking. 

There were a few people who seemed to think they’d be bridesmaids and I never said anything to them, and they never asked. you don’t owe anyone an explanation, and straight up telling someone they aren’t a bridesmaid is hurtful. In your case, a year from now, you might not even be close with this girl and she might not even ask. 

Post # 14
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Like previous posters have said, I would wait first. But I’m also of the opinion that if she can’t be supportive, there’s no reason to beat around the bush about it when the time comes. A friend of mine had a childhood friend who put her in a similar situation. As it was, not only was she not invited to the wedding, she has nearly been cut from her life. If the friend asks why she’s not in the bridal party, tell her honestly that it’s because it doesn’t make sense for her to stand for a couple that she wouldn’t be supportive of.

Post # 15
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee

I can’t speak to the rest, but maybe with the engagement announcement she was hurt that you didn’t tell her directly? We told all of our close family and friends before we posted about it and I know some of them would have been pretty hurt to find out about it on social media. 

 

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