Post # 1
I’m my friend’s Maid/Matron of Honor and am trying to help her find a solution to this problem, so any advice is appreciated!!
The bride has an old high school friend that she’s still in touch w/ and kinda close but does not want to include her in the wedding party. The reason is that this friend is not a very good friend, she’s pretty selfish, pessimistic, & very attention-stealing. Also, she’d be the only member of the wedding party not either married or engaged which would give her plenty of "woe is me" opportunity that she would thrive on.
She was recently a Bridesmaid or Best Man for someone else and complained about it constantly to our friend (who wasn’t engaged at the time) and when my friend called to tell her the news of the engagement she said "Oh no I just can’t be another bridesmaid…." which is her way of saying that she expects to be I guess.
So the question is… how can the bride tell this selfish-friend that she is not going to be a bridesmaid?? We’ve thought about the guest book ideas, but we think that would be more of a slap-in-the-face.
Post # 3
Don’t tell her what she’s not…tell her what she is…if your friend wants to include her in other activity tell her that.
"Hey!!! would you like to be one of my ushers??"
Obviously, that’ll tell her right away she’s not a bridesmaid. If she questions why she’s not simply tell her that you (your friend) assumed, since she mentioned it earlier, that she needed a break from the bridesmaid hoopla. She excluded herself…in her own words.
Post # 4
I was in a wedding last year and one of the bridesmaid made a comment of never wanting to do this again. When one of the other bridesmaids (it was a big group of friends) got married she didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid, but asked everyone else. Now the friend was a little hurt (not much to be honest) but the bride told her that she had said that she never wanted to do it again and didn’t want to make her feel like she had to do it She couldn’t say anything else because she had indeed said that.
So, in your situtation, the friend has already given the perfect reason. If she asks why, say that she said as soon as she found out about the engagement that she said she didn’t want to be a bridesmaid and as much as she is missed as a bridesmaid that no one wanted her to feel uncomfortable or forced. If she persists about being made a bridesmaid, tell her that all arrangements have been made and it is not fair to her guy or her budget to add another.
Post # 5
These are two great ideas that seem best when used together! I would offer her another minor job like ushering or handing out programs and if she whines point out her previous satement.
Post # 6
I would just not say anything for a while. Let the bride decide if she wants her apart of the wedding at all. I don’t think that just because the other girl "assumes" she will be a bridesmaid doesn’t necessarily mean she will. If the Bride does not decide to include in the wedding at all and the subject of why she is not in the wedding comes up the bride can just say "from previous comments you made, I figured you would enjoy yourself as a guest at my wedding more" It is the Brides decision and she needs to pick ladies that will be stress free and happy to have that position with NO DRAMA!!
Post # 7
I definitely agree with the other posters. Either offer her another job: passing out programs, usher, reader at the cermony, etc. or just simply tell her that you thought she’d have more fun as a guest. If she already expressed a distaste in "being a bridesmaid again" then maybe she’ll be relieved that she doesn’t have to fulfull all those duties. Another thought could be like one of the Bees (I can’t remember which one) who decided to have no BMs and had an entourage instead. Invite her and a few other ladies who are not in the bridal party to join the bride in the suite while she’s getting ready.
Post # 8
All of this advice is amazing! I’m dealing with the same sort of thing, since I am only having my sisters and his as my attendants. I would take her out to lunch and ask her, very formally, to perform some other duty. By making a big deal out of asking her, she gets to be the center of attention. And if she is anything like my friends…thats really all that she wants anyway!
Post # 9
So this girl is a selfish whinner, but a good friend? I would tell her flat out, I know how you feel about being a bridesmaid and weddings and I don’t want to add stress to your life so I’m going to do you a favor and you get to come to mine without any responsibilities!