(Closed) How to tell a friend that she is not a bridesmaid?

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

I think you need to decide what’s more important:

A: Having a larger than expected bridal party.

or

B: Offending a dear friend.

Wedding are about love, and family, and friendship. If she is one of your best friends, why not just invite her to be in your bridal party. It doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. Don’t put yourself in the situation where you could lose a friend over this… especially if this is comething you have talked to her about in the past.

Post # 4
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Has she said anything about being in your bridal party?  Or is this just what you are assuming?  I wouldn’t mention anything to her if she doesn’t say anything, to be honest.  If you are feeling guilty for not inviting her, maybe you can find another way to include her?  Ask her to do a reading?  Invite her to your shower and bachelorette?

If this is something she’s asked you about, I would weigh the options.  If it’s more important to you that you keep your bridal party small then be honest–you want a small bridal party, it’s something you and your Fiance decided.  Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think the last paragraph in your post answers your question.  That sounds like a very valid, and reasonable explanation to me.

I was quick to pick my party too, and although I love them all dearly I wish I was only going with my closest 2 instead of 4.  So good for you on being clear and decisive. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 6
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Three bridesmaids isn’t a big wedding party. If she is very close to you and you feel you’ll continue to be friends after the wedding, maybe just include her? Is there something else going on that makes you reluctant to ask her to be a bridesmaid?

It’s funny, I have been telling just about everyone that we won’t have a bridal party. Somehow, people are beginning to drop hints that they would like to be a bridesmaid! Huh!?!?! But I/we have been saying “no groomsmen and no bridesmaids!!!”

I think people get excited about weddings and they want to feel a part of the special event.

Post # 7
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

Is there something else that you can do to involve her in the ceremony? Maybe have her be a reader or something else? I’m thinking that because you don’t want her as a bridesmaid that you might not want her as a part of the ceremony either, but just a suggestion if you do want to still include her somehow…just not as a bridesmaid.

Post # 8
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I got cut from a good friend’s wedding party about 6 months ago because they didn’t want the ratio to be off, even after the Maid/Matron of Honor said she would be more than happy to walk down alone. It was the most hurtful thing a that had ever been done to me by what I considered a “close” friend. Granted, the Bridesmaid or Best Man and Maid/Matron of Honor that she chose were very good friends of hers. The two Bridesmaid or Best Man were a little closer to her than I was, and the other was someone whose wedding she had been in a few years back, so I guess she felt obligated to have her. I’m fine with that. Really, I am. The point is that she gave me a place in the wedding, got me all involved and excited about everything (dress shopping, hair, flowers, etc.), then took it away about two months before the wedding. I was devastated- not about being stripped of my right to walk down the aisle and have 30 sec of fame, I don’t care about that. Just because of the statement it makes. I mean, think about it. No matter how nicely you say it, you’re basically saying “You are a good friend, but these girls are my favorites.” Who wants to hear that?

I’m not saying you don’t have the right to do this. You have the right to have/cut whoever you want. Just know that if she’s really got her heart set on this, you risk your friendship never being the same again.

Sorry, I guess you can tell that’s a soft spot with me. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 9
Member
4385 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Ballerina Bride: I think the difference is that you were actually asked to be in the wedding, and then cut, which is absolutely horrible!!

This is my personal opinion: We can’t ask all of our close friends to stand with us in our wedding. Maybe other people think you can have unlimited bridesmaids just so everyone is included, but I think this is unreasonable.

I would still ask your friend to be involved in some way (ie do a reading), because she seems important to you. Don’t feel obligated to ask her to be a bridesmaid though.

Post # 10
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I think that although your friend might be disappointed, you said yourself that you want the bridal party to be kept at a minimum, and I think she has to respect that.

This sort of happened to me – I met a girl in university and we became the best of friends.  There were actually a trio of us, and we’d tell each other everything and hung out all the time.  When my friend moved away I’d go on the train to visit her and her bf 2 hrs away.  

A year ago she got engaged and when we went out to dinner soon after, she was really apologetic and said that she was keeping a bare-bones bridal party and only having a Maid/Matron of Honor, and that would be our mutual friend.  She was sorry because we had talked about being each other’s bridesmaids for years, and she thought I’d be upset.  I was a little sad because I kind of felt left out, but she wasn’t doing it to be mean or spiteful at all.  I could tell she was genuinely sorry about it.  I wanted her to be happy, so that’s what I was.

I feel like people should be accepting of whatever a bride chooses.  This was not my day, so I wasn’t going to get my friend upset about such a special time in her life because I wasn’t getting what I wanted.  The last thing she needed was to get stressed out about a friend being mad at her. 

I think you have every right to tell your friend that she won’t be a bridesmaid.  Just make sure she knows that you care about her but that it’s just a tough situation.  I’m sure she’ll understand.

Post # 12
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Everything will be fine. Just tell her your scenario and she should understand. Have her do something special day-of.

Post # 13
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Perhaps you could ask her to be your day-of go-to person–she could be involved in a lot of the planning still, but would need to not be walking down the aisle for logistical reasons. I recently photographed a friend’s wedding, and one of the groom’s sisters was a Bridesmaid or Best Man and the other was not but was the go-to person, and let me tell you, she saved my life. It was SO helpful having someone to ask to get all the Groomsmen together or all the bride’s family together or whatever for pictures, and I know she did a whole lot more than just that.

Post # 14
Member
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I probably wouldn’t even ask her/mention it to her. Unless, you would like to incorporate her in another way, like a reading or something. When my good friends got married they never asked me to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and they never mentioned it to me either. You don’t even have to bring it up, if you don’t want. Of course it is nice if you do, though.

Post # 15
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Umm…having been on the other side of the issue, I would say make sure to tell her.  I was best friends with a girl for years before she became engaged to her now husband.  I found out from a mutual friend that she had already asked the girls and picked out their dresses (and wedding colors) before I knew I wasn’t in the wedding party.  I wouldn’t have been a big deal, except for the fact that we talked about it a lot, and then she tried to hide it from me that she didn’t want me in the wedding party because I lived too far away.  It would have been much better if she just explained the situation instead of hiding it/lying about it. 

Post # 16
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

She could be your personal attendant. I’m not completely sure of what this is because I just heard of it today, but basically it sounds like a day of go to person who may help in the planning too.

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