How to tell a friend that their significant other is not invited

posted 5 months ago in Guests
Post # 16
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

If she is travelling for your wedding the right thing to do is to give her a plus one. Unfortunately you really can’t decide who she does or doesn’t bring. Also, if you are planning on inviting other guests SO’s it would be extremely disrespectful of you not to invite hers. 

Post # 17
Member
761 posts
Busy bee

mcsauve :  It’s not unreasonable not to want a professed gang member at your wedding, even just for the consideration and safety of your other guests. This site tends to skew towards people who think it’s an absolute travesty not to invite an SO, regardless of circumstance, but the practice of not extending plus ones is quite common among modern weddings. You shouldn’t let people bully you into inviting him. If your friend is truly a good friend it won’t affect your relationship with her or her decision to attend.

Post # 18
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I get where you’re coming from, I wouldn’t want this person at my wedding either. But really there’s no good way to tell your friend he cant come, I mean she’s already assuming that he’s coming and making flight arrangements (it sounds like anyways). She shouldn’t just assume he gets an invite, but I highly doubt she’s going to handle it well. He sounds terrible, but she clearly doesn’t think he is so she likely won’t understand.

As another PP suggested, don’t bring it up now, deal with it when you send the invites out. Hopefully between now and then your friend wakes up.

Post # 19
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

So, my thoughts are that any guest in a committed relationship should be invited with their SO as a general rule. All the more so if they are traveling a long distance to get to your wedding. That is separate from plus 1’s…I don’t think single people need a plus 1 (though it’s a nice gesture of course).

While your concerns about this relationship sound valid, I’m not sure excluding this dude from your wedding is the best way to convey that message to your friend. If you think he’s likely to behave in an inappropriate way during the wedding itself that would be a more legitimate reason to exclude him, but excluding him cause you think he’s not a good match for her seems presumptuous.

Post # 20
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

“Am I being rude to not want him at my wedding as her plus 1?”  This statement tells me she is getting a plus one, you just don’t want it to be him (correct me if I am wrong on that). If she is being given a plus one, you don’t get to dictate who that plus one is. You don’t get to veto her boyfriend as her plus one just because you don’t like him. If you haven’t even met him yet, I would take some of the things you think you know about him with a grain of salt and for the sake of being a good friend, give him a chance. At least long enough to meet him. Being a good friend means lovingly expressing your concerns to her, not dictating her personal life and choices. Yes, this is your wedding, but if you are dictating who can be her plus one, be prepared for backlash. Regardless of if this relationship lasts, that won’t leave a good taste in her mouth in the long run. 

Post # 21
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You don’t need to decide this now. If he’s a boyfriend, they could break it before then. If they become more committed than that, like engaged, well you just have to suck it up and invite him, if you are giving others plus ones.

Post # 22
Member
761 posts
Busy bee

khaleesi13 :  Would your answer differ if this were an ex of her’s or one of her friends? What if the ex were abusive? Where is the line drawn?

Post # 23
Member
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Like you said, your wedding is a year away.  The relationship could very well be over by then, and then this is no longer an issue.  Maybe wait it out a bit?  

On the off chance the relationship is still going strong, I’d take a look at the bigger picture.  I get the reasons why you don’t want him at your wedding.  Makes sense.  Will you continue this way of handling him after the wedding, or is this a one time thing?  If the ongoing norm is to exclude him from every activity that your friend is involved in, then I don’t see this friendship lasting.

Post # 24
Member
2577 posts
Sugar bee

I think waiting until invitations go out is a good idea.  Maybe let the relationship run it’s course.

But if they are still dating by that time, don’t make excuses and just tell her that you don’t approve of him.  Like why beat around the bush?  I think she’ll figure out you are lying if she gets there and everyone else is with their SO.  

Post # 25
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

anonymousbee001 :  This isn’t an ex, it’s a current relationship, and that’s not the way to go about showing your disapproval. It’s controlling and immature. If she has issues with her best friend’s boyfriend she needs to voice that personally with her friend. We only get to make those decisions for our own lives, not others. And for the record, I’ve had a few close female friends in abusive relationships that didn’t want to let go. If I had drawn a line in the sand they would have disconnected from me and I wouldn’t have been able to check in on them. Thankfully those relationships fluttered out over time, but if I had attempted to control their decision it would have ended our friendship, and who knows if they would have had the support system they needed when the time came. It’s hard, but part of being an adult is realizing you have to allow other people to live their lives how they choose. 

Post # 26
Member
364 posts
Helper bee

tiffanybruiser :  I agree with this statement. Unless you truly believe he will be a danger to people at your wedding, excluding him just  because you don’t approve is not a good reason. It could very negatively impact your relationship. Of course you can invite whoever you want but every decision had its consequences. 

Post # 27
Member
761 posts
Busy bee

khaleesi13 :  I agree the circumstances are different, but you didn’t answer my question: would her right to bring an SO eclipse the OP’s wish not to have an ex at her wedding or an ex of a close friend?

Related, Slate’s Dear Prudence recently had a podcast where a letter writer inquired whether she had to extend an invite to a friend’s SO noting that the friend was recently separated from of one of her bridal party members due to infidelity on the friend’s part.

Also, on the idea the that we should let people “live their own lives”, would that apply also to their weddings?

Post # 28
Member
6540 posts
Bee Keeper

If your friend is still with this man a year from now and you are inviting other guests with their partners (as you should) then a decision to not include him could very well be a friendship-ending move. Do you value this friendship? Do you feel who she spends her life with is your decision or hers? What if she marries this man? Will you drop her? 

“Plus ones” are for single guests. Guests in committed relationships are properly invited with both names listed on the invitation. 

Post # 29
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

You don’t get to choose your friends partner.. maybe you don’t have respect for him, but she wants to be with him and you do need to respect that. I probably wouldn’t come if I couldn’t bring my SO because you don’t respect him. 

Post # 30
Member
761 posts
Busy bee

beethree :  The practice of inviting SOs isn’t universal to all circles and cultures. Likely, if the lack of an invite is a “friendship-ending move”, OP’s friend wasn’t a good friend to begin with.

hissoon :  You’re making a false equivalency. You can respect someone and also not want them at your wedding.

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