How to tell a friend that their significant other is not invited

posted 2 years ago in Guests
Post # 32
4415 posts
Honey bee

I can’t say that I would immediately decline a wedding invitation if someone chose to disclude my fiance, but if I have to travel, pay for hotel, flights, etc. and if I don’t know many people, I will probably decline.  

I thought I was getting invited to a Destination Wedding and I had heard a rumor that SOs weren’t invited, but my 5 best friends were invited and we’d all split hotels and stuff, so it wasn’t a big deal.  Turns out the rumer wasn’t true at all and SOs are definitely invited.  

Post # 33
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

If it’s a year away don’t stress about it. Cross your fingers and hope they break up. 

Post # 34
863 posts
Busy bee

same as the others. Wedding is a year away, they might break up. However, I think if you want her at yoru wedding, you probably have to suck it up and invite him to if you don’t want to offend and ostracize your friend. 
Look at it this way, all the people who will be around at your wedding, this friend is not in your bridal party or a close family member, so the odds are you will barely, if at all, even see this boyfriend, nevermind actually interact with him much. 

Post # 35
5513 posts
Bee Keeper

If she’s traveling to get to your wedding and other people’s partners are invited I don’t see how you can not invite him without looking punitive  – to your friend. If he was once “once in a gang” that suggests he is not in one now. You can’t pick your friend’s boyfriends and excluding one you disapprove of (but have never met) will probably offend your friend and very well may end the friendship altogether.

I don’t think you have to decide now since the wedding is not for another year. But if they are still together, in my opinion it’s a bad call to exclude him. Yes, you’re perfectly within your rights not to invite him. No one is telling you you *have* to. But not inviting him will have repercussions that may be a lot worse than the cost of a single person at a wedding.

Post # 36
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
beethree :  don’t even bother arguing with this bee.  She is legit on every plus one thread arguing against plus ones because she excluded spouses and just wants SOMEBODY to agree that she wasn’t rude in doing so.  

Post # 37
1567 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
oceangirl40 :  Your assumption is incorrect. Given the biases I’ve observed, I think it’s important to offer a countervailing opinion and assure the poster she does not need to invite people she is uncomfortable with attending her wedding. With respect to my own wedding, I know I wasn’t rude. I don’t need external validation of my own decision.

Fyi – While the issue is quite divisive, there is a significant mass of people who are in agreement.

Post # 38
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2025 - City, State

Gang affiliation (even if former and unverified) could be a safety trumps etiquette situation.  How to handle it –

1) If you send save-the-dates, address it to her only.

2) If she’s still with him when invitations go out (and you’re still equally uncomfortable with the situation), address it only to her or write “and guest” instead of his name and tell her bluntly and simply that she cannot bring a former gang member to your wedding.  There’s no way to say it that won’t upset her.  Make it quick and clear then don’t engage in trying to defend and justify your decision.

Post # 39
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I would tell her your numbers are tight so you only have space for her.  I’m not one that feels SO have to be invited together.  It’s your wedding have who you want there. 

Post # 40
1521 posts
Bumble bee

You admit that you’ve never met this person, so I’m skeptical of your judgment of him…  plenty of people were once affiliated with gangs in their youth but then later chose to leave and live stand up lives. 

That said, say nothing now and deal with it when invitation time comes if you must. Making drama now just comes across as petty. The issue could resolve itself by then. 

Post # 41
9276 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Are you giving all your guests a background and morality check? Because I bet there are worse crimes amongst your guests than supposedly once being a gang affilate.

Post # 43
2037 posts
Buzzing bee

This is a tough one. 

The problem is that she is flying out to your wedding and is most likely making travel plans for them now or in the very near future.

If you wait til next year and they’re still together and you tell her he’s not invited, she might (understandably) want to back out of going. But she might not be able to cancel her travel accommodations at that point. And she’ll ask you why you didn’t tell her earlier. It could end the friendship.

But then again there’s always the chance they break up.

Are you seeing her in person anytime soon? Where you could perhaps meet him for yourself? Idk how realistic it is for you to meet him since they’re far away- do you guys visit each other each year?

I can see why you would want to tell her now with her making travel plans, but at the same time they might not be together for the wedding. 

Maybe see how it goes and if they’re still together, unless you have personally background checked him and verified that he is dangerous, maybe just suck it up and invite him.

ETA sorry just reread that she is your best friend. Unfortunately, unless you invite them both, I can’t think of any other scenario where you don’t risk blowing up the friendship

Post # 44
255 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
mcsauve :  I like  twinkie698 :‘s suggestion. 

I understand that you don’t want to get to know him, but you have no say over who your friend is in a relationship with, even if you don’t approve of their SO. 

I would just be courteous and extend a +1 invite to her to choose who she would like to bring along, especially as she’s flying in for your wedding. 

Post # 45
380 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

I think the bottom line to ALL of this is that this is YOUR wedding…you don’t have to have anyone there that you don’t want.

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