How to tell a friend that their significant other is not invited

posted 2 months ago in Guests
Post # 46
Member
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

MsJ2018 :  100% this.  If he is bragging about being gang affliated OP absolutely has the right to tell her friend he’s not invited to the wedding.  Even if he isn’t on fb bragging – your wedding, your guest list.  

Post # 47
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

midgy86 :  Truth!

Post # 48
Member
894 posts
Busy bee

Crip, huh? One surefire way to keep him away from the wedding would be to have one your colors be red, then. Decorate in huge swaths of red, have the bridesmaids in red, ask guests to wear red…

(Red is the color of the Bloods, the Crips main rival.  I worked with gang members for two years in the juvenile system – just a bit of gallows humor…)

Post # 49
Member
7776 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If he’s actually affiliated with a gang that makes it different imo and def more understandable not inviting him. However the bigger issue outside your wedding is that your best friend is dating such a person! Are you able to talk to her about this and express your concerns in a sensitive way? Any chance she’d be receptive to that? (If/when you do that I wouldn’t mention your wedding at all.)

Post # 50
Member
6864 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Well you need to decide if you want your friend to attend or not. Excluding her boyfriend is basically telling her that her romantic relationship is inferior to yours. I can promise you there are plenty of other people on your guest list with behavior and morality issues, you just don’t know about it. Do you know how many people are in abusive/jealous/controlling relationship but they’re just good at hiding it? 

If he’s really as dangerous of a person as you say he is, by all means don’t invite him. Just don’t be upset when your friend declines to attend. 

Post # 53
Member
2236 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

mcsauve :  Okay wait,

You said “What’s to say he won’t throw a fit if she walks down the aisle with another guy?”

Are you planning to ask her to be IN the wedding?

I tend to land on the “it’s your wedding, invite who you want” side of things. With all of the concerns you have addressed, I think it would be perfectly reasonable not to invite him. 

And I agree with all the PPs saying, it’s a while off yet and you don’t really need to worry about it just yet. 

ALL THAT BEING SAID – I think if someone is travelling to your wedding, to be an ATTENDANT at your wedding – and all the time and cost that entails – they should be allowed to bring a guest. Preferably not THIS guy, but that’s a bridge to cross when you get there.

Now, for me, this wouldn’t be about the wedding anymore. If he is controlling, jealous, a cheater, and claims to have gang ties (even if it’s not true, he’s a guy who wants people to THINK it’s true which is gross and scary all by itself) he is probably a bad person for your best friend to be dating. 

I would be more concerned for her safety and well-being than whether or not she was going to bring this guy to my wedding. 

 

Post # 54
Member
1829 posts
Buzzing bee

I think that yes your wedding is a year away, who knows if they will still be together by then. But many people have wedding guest rules that they have no guests at their wedding that they haven’t even met. It is a way to shorten your guest list to only those who are important. You could tell her your only inviting those people who you and your fiance have actually met, but youll need to enforce that rule with all your guests because she will be able to catch you in that lie if you let some people you havent met attend your wedding. 

I have a coworker who has a girl in her friend circle. This friend has been dating a guy on and off who is verbally abusive and a jerk. Where her friends drew the line was when his bad behavior started affecting them. They would try to go out to dinner with her and her boyfriend but her boyfriend would behave badly, create fights, trash talk their friend in front of them, and displayed rude behavior. So all the friends drew a line in the sand with her. THey told her that her boyfriend was no longer welcome around them. She is welcome to come hangout but her boyfriend is not to come with her. They let he know that they are not willing to watch him berate her and tell her how awful she is infront of them any more. So IF you were in a situation where all attempts to be around your friends boyfriend resulted in him being a jerk to you, or verbally abusive to her infront of you THEN you could opt out and tell her you were opting out. But in this scenario it just sounds like she has told you things about him that you can’t un hear and you think he is an all around loser. 

Sometimes our friends date shitty people, what never works is to try to get involved. She has to figure out this guy isnt’ right for her on her own. All you can do is decide how much a part of her life do you want to be. Sure you can not invite her boyfriend or tell her he is a loser but then your friendship with her might be over. Best to try to come up with an excuse to not invite him that she will accept. Hopefully you can find one and she accepts it. 

Post # 55
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Your wedding, your guest list.  Excluding her SO would be rude, but you can certainly be rude with your own invites. If my SO were specifically singled out, I wouldn’t attend that wedding as I’m not in the business of supporting other people’s love lives while they dump on mine. 

It’s entirely possible that I’d just stop talking to that friend as there are other ways to show concern/ support than making a public display of disapproval of my relationship (Assuming other attendees will know about the +1 snub, it would be public and likely humiliating.)  With friends like that, who needs enemies? 

Post # 56
Member
6864 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

anonymousbee001 :  It doesn’t matter how you think they work, or I think they work, or even the OP thinks they work. At the end of the day she will probably lose a friend over not inviting the boyfriend. She is completely within her right to decide she doesn’t like the guy and he isn’t invited. It’s her wedding she can do what she wants. My point is that it’s a friendship ending move and she needs to decide if it’s a hill she wants to die on. 

 

Post # 57
Member
660 posts
Busy bee

starfish0116 :  Is it really? If that is the case, the value and strength of the friendship is questionabe to begin with. If this were truly a good friend, she wouldn’t let the lack of a wedding invitation for a boyfriend jeopardize the friendship.

Post # 58
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

anonymousbee001 :   In this case the OP would be the one choosing to make the +1 an issue.  If everyone else in the same category is getting a +1, OP is the one making a stand/ friendship ending move.

Post # 59
Member
660 posts
Busy bee

coffeecakez :  It’s not clear the OP is giving everyone a +1. Good friends should take a stand and be honest with their friends. Quite frankly, if the friend considers the lack of a +1 a friendship ending move, it wasn’t a friendship worth having.

Post # 60
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“If that is the case, the value and strength of the friendship is questionabe to begin with. If this were truly a good friend, she wouldn’t let the lack of a wedding invitation for a boyfriend jeopardize the friendship.”

That makes no sense. The value of the relationship is questionable if the friend is offended that her SO (and I’m assuming, no one else’s) is excluded from a long distrance wedding? So I guess this person is supposed to be a doormat and be OK with getting dumped on or she’s not a good enough friend.

OP, I think you should be prepared to lose a friend if you decline to invite her SO. Sure, it is your choice, but choices have consquences. If this person is really the menace you say (not arguing that he is or isn’t), I would wonder why you aren’t concerned enough to talk to her about it before the issue of your wedding came up.

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