How to tell a friend that their significant other is not invited

posted 3 months ago in Guests
Post # 61
Member
2367 posts
Buzzing bee

If this was a totally normal and acceptable thing to do, OP wouldn’t have to come to a wedding message board and ask a bunch of strangers.  She came here for validation because she knows it’s not right.

Also, OP hasn’t even met this guy and who knows if he’s in an actual gang…people talk a LOT of shit in this world and he might think it makes him look cool.

Instead of judging this person on things you’ve heard, why not trust your friend’s judgement and maybe try to get to know him.

 

Post # 62
Member
663 posts
Busy bee

mimivac :  A good friend would not pressure her friend or feel entitled to a +1 at a friend’s wedding, especially if that +1 would make her friend uncomfortable at her own wedding.

 

sharpshooter :  Your logic is faulty; following your argument, anyone who felt compelled to post might as well not bother.

Also, I think someone claiming to be in a gang is sufficient reason enough not to want to associate with them.

Finally, it’s entirely reasonable that she not want a habitual philanderer at her wedding.

Post # 63
Member
2367 posts
Buzzing bee

anonymousbee001 :  all I know is that if this was my best friend, I would at least give her the benefit of the doubt and meet him before writing him off.  Because this is a friend ending move and it would be best to tread lightly.

Or if he really is in a gang and cheating on her, it’s time for a come to jesus talk with her.  Maybe talk to her before the wedding instead of being a passive aggressive friend.

There are a ton of better ways of showing your best friend that you don’t approve of her SO and a wedding is not one of them.  

Post # 64
Member
663 posts
Busy bee

sharpshooter :  I agree OP should talk to her friend. While I understand your argument that OP should meet her friend’s SO, it doesn’t have to be at her wedding. Also, there are people that should not be given an audience (eg. self-proclaimed white supremacists).

Post # 65
Member
1453 posts
Bumble bee

starfish0116 :  this 100%.

OP seems to be stuck on a moral high horse and is forgetting that her friendship is at issue already if she disapproves of the SO.

OP, Just end the friendship now then and don’t bother waiting for the invitation to do it for you.

If OP doesn’t want to broach the conversation with said friend…then clearly the next step is for OP to start background checking and social media scanning her guests and their SOs and plus ones. Hell, pull out yearbooks too. She may have other unsavory characters in her midst on her wedding day and be hopelessly unaware. 

OP got offended at that notion earlier when someone else brought it up but I don’t see how she can logically exclude this SO (whom she’s never met) and expect her friend to be so understanding of it without applying a morality/legality test against all guests.

I reckon there’s at least one asshole with a DUI or a restraining order or a DV/battery charge or something like that in their background on the guestlist that she is unaware of. All such things are shameful in my mind, but I guess out of sight, out of mind…

 

Post # 66
Member
6897 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

 

anonymousbee001 :  Yes I do think she should be prepared to lose a friend over it. Because it’s not as simple as not letting a casual guest/friend bring a +1 due to space or something of the sort. She’s basically telling one of her good friends, who based on a previous post about walking down the aisle leads me to believe she’s actually a bridesmaid, that her boyfriend is shit and she can’t bring him. 

 

Post # 67
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I understand your perspective but fact of the matter is, she is your best friend whom you are inviting to fly in to be in your wedding. If you do not want him to attend be 1000000% ready for her to drop out of the wedding and lose the friendship. Her perspective may be “how dare you ask me to come celebrate your relationship when you won’t support mine.”

 

i thibk your only out is to have a “family only” wedding where you invite only your closest friends with no plus ones  even then, that’s not a guaranteed win for you.

 

Good luck. 

Post # 68
Member
663 posts
Busy bee

starfish0116 :  Maybe, but if that happens, OP’s friend is probably a terrible friend, so it’s not much of a loss.

Post # 69
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

anonymousbee001 :  You didn’t ask me that question originally, but that doesn’t change my answer. They are a unit. If she can’t accept that, she needs to evaluate if she wants to invite the friend. Also, I see that she has thrown out there, “what if he gets jealous if she walks down the aisle with someone else”, meaning she plans to have this friend in her bridal party. That opens up an even bigger can of worms. You’re asking someone to take part in your wedding, pay for all the travel and arrangements to do so, are “technically” extending a plus one but dictating who that can or can’t be. That is also QUITE presumptious to say of someone she has never met. But I suppose the purpose of that comment wasn’t to be reasonable, it was to elicit an emotional response to get people to agree with her. Not as a result of actually knowing this person or directly observing his behavior. All things considered, it would be a hard no from me if I were the friend, regardless of any other circumstances. If she wants their friendship to outlast this particular relationship, there needs to be tact and respect. If she is so hung up on who her friend is dating that it will “ruin” her day, I don’t think the real problem here is the boyfriend. 

Post # 70
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

You have over a year to go and her relationship is already rocky from the sounds of it, since he is already apparently trying to cheat on her. It’s unlikely you’ll have to worry about her bringing him.

BUT. If against all odds she decides to stay with a man who isn’t faithful to her, like other posts have said you’ll have to decide whether not having him at your wedding is worth the possibility that she will not come, because she may not. Generally if someone is in a long term relationship it is expected that their SO will be invited to events along with them.

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