(Closed) How to tell a guest they don't get to bring a plus 1

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 32
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO

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RnbwznPuppies:  For North America, The Post Institute of Etiquette… ala Emily Post and her decendants I would say are one of the best resources for most folks and the situations that come up.

The family has carried on thru the Generations… so you’ll see the name Peggy Post now as the primary spokesperson.

For Weddings, I’d recommend her book “Wedding Etiquette”… but if one really wants to be aware of all this stuff on a day-to-day basis, then the longer book “Etiquette” covers everything you’ll need to know from the cradle to the grave !!

Truly, it really is quite fascinating.  And I can guarantee you that if you read up you’ll not only be enlightened… in that it truly is a lot of common sense… and makes for fewer misteps & embarrassing situations… BUT Etiquette and Manners can serve folks well. 

It is the easiest way to actually get ahead in the world… people are just naturally more attracted to being involved with folks who are well mannered.

BECAUSE one puts others at ease, by seemingly always knowing exactly what to say or do in any situation…

Being a well mannered person, and a Good Host, can literally improve one’s lot in life.  Lol, and can all be done WITHOUT a regard for spending money, or where one came from / roots. 

Etiquette originally came about, because in olden times there was a more distinct class system… not just ranked by wealth (Rich & Poor as we have today), but also by social class (who your Ancestors were).  The Post Book and others were written originally to demystify how this all worked, and how others could fit into social situations above their class etc.  Become accepted… and advance.

Which in many ways is exactly the service that Etiquette plays today.  IF ONLY more people wouldn’t snub their noses at it none to quick… and actually get to know more about it… they’d probably see that it both makes sense, and can actually give one an advantage in life to know this stuff.

Basic example… We all know that Basic Manners are important.  Consequently we are more likely to enjoy Dinner out with friends who know how to behave at the Dinner Table, than with those who choose to slosh their food around with their mouths wide open etc.  It isn’t that complicated… you are more likely to choose to extend a Invitation to get togther again with the well turned out person, than the food slosher.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 33
Member
993 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@This Time Round:  can you expand on this “Truth is, one’s Social Standing in life differs between Single People and Married People… and that exists today.”

As in married>single? Sorry, by your tone I’m reading it that way and it seems a bit err… extreme?  I’m just having trouble following, though I must respect your respect for the proper way of doing things! Wow.

Post # 34
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@This Time Round:  I meant like where can I find out if it’s ok the wear white, marry a women, work as a women, or what is e-mail etiquette? I want to see the updated 2012 list of things I should give a shit about. Someone give me some modern etiquette. If it was written pre-Iphone, I don’t care that much.

Also, I’m not worried about fitting in with people in a higher class. So basically, I don’t think this stuff applies to me just right now. 

I’m serious, too. I think a lot of the etiquette stuff is based on a different world. That’s different than not being polite… I’m just curious if there is like a list of etiquette for people who spend their lives with an Smartphone and not worried about class systems?

ETA: What is a well-turned out person? I think there are a lot of rap songs that would suggest that’s quite vulgar. 

Post # 35
Member
986 posts
Busy bee

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@MadameTussaud: +1 to “due to budget, venue, and space constraints, we can’t accomodate any more guests than were listed on your invitation.” <– This is how I plan to handle any requests, along with filling in the number invited on the invitation myself so there aren’t people writing in 5 rather than the 4 I invited. (We’ll see how well that works out, haha).

Post # 36
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO

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RnbwznPuppies:  – Emily Post is STILL your source.  The books have been updated to reflect modern situations not just traditional ones.

Sorry, do not understand the reference to Rap music that you have mentioned. Traditionally “well turned out” refers to some one who exhibits good manners, can carry on polite conversation, and knows how to dress appropriate to the occasion at hand, etc

By The Way… Etiquettely speaking… Your sarcastic approach won’t garner you good results in the long run.  There are plenty of things pre-IPhone (as well as after) that are worthwhile exploring in life.

— — —

TO 

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bella128: … sorry don’t know how to further explain this… other than I think you’ll agree that being Single and being Married in life are not the same thing… and that is the case socially as well.

In the particular case we are discussing at hand… when you are Single (as in NOT Married), you can expect a “single” invitation… when you are Married then Invites are extended to “couples”.  Anything else is not to be expected… but to be appreciated.

— — —

For the record…

This is THE ETIQUETTE BOARD… it never ceases to amaze me how people come here seeking Etiquette Advice and then balk when the same is given.

NO ONE has to adhere to the advice given… but it would be a disservice to give someone seeking Etiquette advice the wrong info

 

Post # 37
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@This Time Round:  Turn out is basically to have sex… so if you’re WELL turned out…. well, yeh.

Post # 38
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO

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RnbwznPuppies:  Thank you for that.  I learned something new.

I did do a GOOGLE when you first mentioned it… but found nothing in regards to an inappropriate reference.  Mind you I was looking for “Well Turned Out”

I now see that is because they are two very different expressions (to be used as a whole)… so indeed “Well Turned Out” and “Turned Out” are not the same thing… just as “Turned” or “Out” also have their own meanings as well.

 

Post # 40
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Wow…I could have written this post.  Except people are calling my mother and she is saying yes!  I am 28 years old the invitations clearly came from me to the guests stated on the envelope not your 3 college age children or your 18 year olds gf.  I agree it is completely rude and STAND YOUR GROUND!  I will totally back you up. There are some great suggestions on this thread use them.  Honestly it is your day as long as you and Fiance are aligned who cares. Ifthe fact they can’t bring their +1 or dog or pet rock is more important to them then this milestone then that tells you where you stand.  

Post # 41
Member
698 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@Miss Otter:  +1 perfect wording!

Post # 42
Member
847 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

@jothecatlady:  tell him honestly about the cost, and then say that you can’t because if you invite her then others will try to get their plus ones invited without offering to away. Make it seem like you know HE is a reasonable guy, but you’re concerned about the other guests. 

Post # 43
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@juliaz012:  others are plenty self-sufficient and can manage a wedding on their own. seems like you can’t but dont state your point as if it’s general etiquette. etiquette actually dicates that only married/engaged/living together adults get plus ones.

Post # 44
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@somethingaquamarine:  were any of them with a 400+ guest list and black tie? oh and did both sets of parents have over 6 siblings to where there were over 150 family members? doubt it. not everyone can give plus ones to EVERYONE

Post # 45
Member
2496 posts
Buzzing bee

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@blueskies7:  Actually, yes. I did go to a 400+ attendee wedding (bride and groom invited their entire church) at a very nice country club and was still given a +1. Why would you ask me this? It doesn’t really prove your point, especially since it was in fact possible for someone I know.

You can disagree with me (and I’m fine with that), but I don’t appreciate your snark.

Post # 46
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

“…neither of us has EVER received an invite without a +1. I think it’s so weird that so many people on the Bee do this, even if it’s technically correct to do so.

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@somethingaquamarine:  I wasn’t trying to be snarky, I was just trying to point out that it’s not weird to receive an invite without a +1—some couples literally have such a large family + guest list, that they would have to cut really important people just to give plus ones out to everyone. People argue, well just invite everyone then, but that’s nearly impossible with venue capacities and budgets. The truly weird thing in my opinion is that you and SO received a plus one to every single wedding of the dozens of weddings you attended, whether you were even dating someone or not.

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