Post # 1
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
I’m looking for a tactful way to tell a bridesmaid that she is being demoted and no longer part of the wedding. She is my 17 year old cousin that I used to be very close with. I used to babysit her, go on vacations with her and spend holidays with her and her family. When she became a highschooler, we drifted apart as her friends and social life became more and more important to her.
When I intially asked her to be a bridesmaid, she said she was happy to be a part of the wedding. But when it came time to buy bridesmaid dresses, she couldn’t even get me her measurements. She lives 4 hours away, so I e-mailed and called her every week for a month and all I could get from her was, “I’ll have them for you soon.” I even asked her mother to get her measurements for me, and even she hasn’t followed through. I don’t think my cousin or her family are taking my wedding very seriously. Everytime I send her an e-mail with wedding related info, she either doesn’t respond or just responds with “ok” or “cool.” I am hurt that she doesn’t seem to care and feel like I have no other choice but to ask her to step down as a bridesmaid. How should I say this without hurting feelings?
Post # 3
Member
9483 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@Bichon Frise: It’s going to be a hard, sticky situation no matter how you do it though. I would explain your feelings as you have with us. Honesty is the best policy. I’m sorry you have to go through this though. I can imagine that it’s hard especially because it is family. Perhaps give her a warning first though after explaining your feelings.
Post # 4
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
She’s only 17 years old. You’re still more than 6 months away from your wedding, she probably can’t even fathom that bridesmaids dresses need to be ordered so far ahead of time. I’d keep at it trying to get her measurements even though it’s frustrating, I think it’s going to be a really sticky situation if you demote her. I go by the standard of only demoting a bridal party member if you don’t want to be friends with them anymore after the wedding, and I think that is really complicated if it’s family.
At some point the problem is going to solve itself. I think you say to her (in person or on the phone) that the bridesmaid dress HAS to be ordered by a certain date or it won’t arrive in time. Tell her that if you don’t have her measurements by then, you’re sorry, but she won’t be able to be a bridesmaid. She’ll either get you the measurements or demote herself. For the rest of it “not being excited enough”… she’s 17. To her it’s probably like planning for prom 6 months in advance.
Post # 5
Member
2463 posts
Buzzing bee
@gcwest: i totally agree. give her a deadline for ordering the dress/giving her measurements and let it play out from there. 17 is really young–have you had a talk with her (and the other bms) about what you expect from bms? i just don’t think it’s fair to “demote” someone if you’re never clear about what you expect from the outset
Post # 6
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
@finnaroo: I really don’t expect anything from her other than to pay for her dress and show up for the wedding and rehearsal dinner. The problem is that I can’t afford to pay for her dress and her mother won’t help her either. She has a part time job at a grocery store, so she said she could pay for it. The place I’m getting the bridesmaid dresses at was having a Black Friday sale, so the dresses were 25% off. That’s a pretty significant savings in my opinion. I’ve been telling her for the past month to get me her dress measurements by Thanksgiving so I could order the dress for her with the discount, but she never did. I feel like that was her deadline. I could just tell her that now she will have to pay full price for her dress and see if she’s still interested in doing that.
Post # 7
Member
573 posts
Busy bee
Hmm… this is a sticky situation š I agree with PPs though, you need to tell her upfront what is going on. While I was interested in weddings when I was younger, I definitely wouldn’t have understood why I needed to order a dress so early on. Maybe try explaning things from that angle?
Post # 8
Member
9483 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@gcwest: Yes, but her mother is no help either (as OP has mentioned). Someone should put some pep into her step. I think OP has every right to feel as she does. The girl would be freaking out if it was her prom dress.
Post # 9
Member
2086 posts
Buzzing bee
- Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards
So you gave her a deadline of Thanksgiving and she didn’t give you any info?
I’d give her a last deadline. Tell her that if they dress isn’t ordered by X date, it won’t arrive in time. If she misses that deadline, perhaps she’s making a choice not to be a bridesmaid?
It stinks that this is causing you hurt and stress. I’m sorry.
Post # 10
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
@Rouquine:I didn’t say that the OP has no right to feel frustrated. I’m sure it IS frustrating. I’m just saying that she probably needs to manage her expectations because the girl is only 17, and a wedding 6 months from now probably doesn’t feel close at all or as if there’s any need to rush (because I’m sure she isn’t freaking out about a prom dress yet either). I also did advise the OP to “put some pep in her step” by giving her an absolute deadline. My opinion comes from thinking of the relationship beyond the wedding day, and demoting someone could really threaten that relationship, which is a big deal if it’s family. Everyone has the potential to suffer here, no matter who is actually at fault.
Post # 11
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
Thanks for your comments everyone. I ended up sending her an e-mail (since our schedules are both hectic) and gave her another deadline to send me her measurements by. I informed her that she missed the sale, so now she will have to pay full price for the dress. I also told her what exactly I’m expecting of her, which is to buy the dress and come to the rehearsal and wedding. I told her if this is not something she feels like she will be able to do then she can step down with no hard feelings. If I don’t hear from her or get her measurements in time, I’ll assume she is stepping down that way.
Post # 12
Member
26 posts
Newbee
I had a similar problem with 3 of my 9 bridesmaids – my solution – I planned a girls day a month in advance and told those BMs to have at least $100 (most dresses require a 50%-100% payment for the dress to be ordered) – then I picked up the 2 local ones and then drove 3 hours to the 3rd one and took them all to the dress shop together and they all ordered their dresses that day. I knew when i asked those BMs to be in my wedding that they would be the ones to procrastinate and to be short on cash if not organized ahead of time. Since they are my friends and I really wanted them in the wedding, I made the decision to put in the extra effort to make it work for me. The setting the deadline is also a good suggestion but if you really want her to be in your wedding, i would recommend taking control of the situation instead of letting her have the control and having to deal with not knowing how the sitaution will play out – you have enough things to worry about, you don;t need something like this distracting you. you could also appoint a trusted Bridesmaid or Best Man to follow-up with her and keep her focused.
Post # 13
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
@Bichon Frise: that was a good way to handle it. I basically did the same thing you did… explain the situation and even though I didn’t expect much either, she was relieved to have it out in the open and stepped down. She actually isn’t even coming to the wedding either… so there won’t be any awkwardness on the day of.
Post # 14
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
Just a suggestion, don’t demote her outright but the next time you get her on the phone give her an out. Tell her that you think all of the responsibilities that come along with being a Bridesmaid or Best Man might be too much for her and you should have realized that before asking. Stress that there are no hard feelings, but if she would rather come as a guest that would be totally fine. While you’re making your case, point out that you have all the other BM’s measurements and they have been more involved in the planning so you just get the sense that you might be asking too much of her.
This way if she’s no longer a Bridesmaid or Best Man, it is her decision and as long as you word everything nicely and don’t accuse her of anything during your talk there will be no hard feelings. And if she decides to still be a Bridesmaid or Best Man I almost guarantee she will send you her measurements right away and start to shape up a little. You still won’t get the same level of interest and commitment from a 17 yo cousin that you would get from a same-age friend, but I’m sure you knew that when you asked her and were OK with it.
Post # 15
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
Sounds pretty harsh considering that we are talking about a 17 year old! I wanted my cousin who is about that age in my wedding, and I paid for her dress – yes, it was a bit tight for me financially, but it was important to me that she was in the wedding so I made it happen. Demoting a 17 year old because they’re unaware and in some ways not capable of normal Bridesmaid or Best Man duties and have trouble paying for a dress just seems kinda mean in my opinion, and I’m betting it would crush her considering how close you two were when she was growing up. Teenagers social lives are always super important to them, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you and the wedding.
Post # 16
Member
631 posts
Busy bee
I would send her a message with a deadline for her to send you the info so you can order the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses. If she doesn’t send you the info by then, then she isn’t fulfilling the only bm duty there is which is to buy a dress. You wouldn’t even necessarily have to “demote” her at that point, she herself decided not to participate.
I would cut her some slack since she is a teenager, and I agree with a PP who said give her the choice if she still wants to do it.
