(Closed) How to tell brothers ex-wife she isn't invited?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: How to tell brothers ex-wife she isn't invited?
    Don't send her an invite and make sure she is not included on her ex's invite : (82 votes)
    85 %
    Tell her in person that we do not want her there : (3 votes)
    3 %
    Make up a reason for not inviting her, like the # of guests are limited : (6 votes)
    6 %
    Other, please specify : (5 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1019 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I would say… that if you are not giving her an invite and her name is not on your brother’s invite, that should be enough.. for now.
    When invites go out, keep an eye out for your brother’s RSVP, make sure HE knows that she is not invited. If she decides to go she’d probably tell your brother right? since they’re still friends, so him knowing will help. But if you get wind that she’s planning on going would be the only time I think you should tell her she isn’t invited (in a tactful way of course)

    Post # 4
    Member
    594 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    what if you do not invite her but she comes as a date with your brother in law ? 

    I think you should discuss this with the brother in law, I know this is your wedding but this is a family affair too and becomes about the family too. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    9139 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    @karineh:  <—- Ditto.

    Post # 6
    Member
    2419 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    I really don’t think you have anything to worry about personally. If you don’t send her an invite and your brother doesn’t want to bring her, how would she know details or anything of the like?

    Post # 7
    Member
    506 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Just make sure your brother knows that she is NOT invited. The invite is as much answer as she needs: she didn’t get one, she’s not welcome. I don’t think lying is ever a good idea so no need to make excuses, or to be blatantly rude about her character to your brother.

    Also if you’re giving him a plus 1, be aware he may invite her. 

    If you’re extra worried she will crash, have a list/coordinator/trusty pal monitor the situation so she isn’t allowed in.

    Post # 8
    Member
    1715 posts
    Bumble bee

    Just be honest and tell your brother you don’t want her there. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    240 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Naked in a ditch, eh?  Classy.  Laughing

    Well from what you said she’d invite herself along even if she wasn’t extended a formal invite so no need to feel bad about not giving her an actual one…she’ll just do whatever she wants regardless. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    205 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Speaking from my own experience, unfortunately what you will probably have to do is tell her in person. We relied on everyone understanding invitation etiquette when we sent out our Save the Dates (we did it early and included a preliminary RSVP since ours is a destination wedding for most of our family/friends) We sent an invite to one of our groomsmen with just his name and not his fiancee’s. She’s caused a lot of drama with us over the past few months (they’d only dated for about 6 months before they got engaged, so we used the excuse that we made our guest list before we even really knew her) and I just didn’t need her snarky back handed compliments at my wedding. I’m positive she’d be the girl that showed up in a short white dress. Ugh! So of course he sent back his prelim RSVP with 2 attending, even though she wasn’t invited. Clearly it all just blew up from there and now he’s no longer in the wedding and probably not attending at all. Not a happy situation, but my Fiance has discovered who his friends really are through all this. 

    It probably won’t be pretty when you tell her, but at least then she won’t show up univited or hopefully make a scene when she finds out she wasn’t actually included on your invitation. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    4419 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    Don’t put her name on your brother’s invitation.  Then, just to make sure, tell your brother she isn’t invited.  That way he doesn’t think it was a mistake that she wasn’t on the invitation.  Then it becomes his responsibility to make sure she doesn’t just show up uninvited on his invitation. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    110 posts
    Blushing bee

    I voted other… like previous posters, I would leave her out on the invite, and make sure your brother knows not to bring her.

    Post # 13
    Hostess
    1427 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    OP – Just clarify to everyone involved that she isn’t invited. They are divorced aka, no longer a social unit so you don’t need to invite her. If you are giving your brother a +1, etiquette states that you need to hunt down her name so her name goes onto the invitation also instead of “Brother + Guest”

    @LedeLady:  Sad to hear about that situation… Unfortunately in this case I think your ex Groomsmen was in the “right” because they are engaged therefore should be considered a “social unit” This wasn’t RSVP’s but Save the Dates with a preliminary RSVP, you weren’t required to give final headcount to your venue yet. But then like I keep saying to Bees here, its your wedding. You do what you think is best.

    Post # 14
    Member
    761 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    If she is a really volatile person, I would suggest that you avoid speaking with her directly about it – she may over react in anger and take it out on you guys on your wedding day (for ex. show up uninvited and make a scene).  I think you should speak with your brother to give him the heads up that his invite includes only himself and 2 kids.  Let him know why you’re not inviting his ex.  If he isn’t aware of your feelings for her, just tell him it’s a numbers issue, and since they’re divorced, you can’t accommodate her.

    Good luck!

    Post # 15
    Member
    2692 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    You don’t need to tell here… let your brother handle it.  The fact that she didn’t get an invite should be hint enough but just in case it’s not, let your brother have a talk with her and maybe even fib and say you’l have securtiy there so she doesn’t try to attend.

    I have a similar situation going on.  My bridesmaid is in the middle of an off again off again f-ed relationship with her husband, who happens to be fi’s cousin.  He is a drug using alcoholic who has managed to piss his life away (lost his apartment and business and screwed up his relationship with his kids, among other things).  Her family hates him and my fmil and ffil don’t like him. His own parents dont speak to him.  We’ve had 2 parties recently where he was specifically not invited to, had no idea about yet still showed up…we all think my bm told him even though she says she has nothing to do with him and is getting a divorce. I made it clear to her that only she and the kids are invited and made that clear on the invites (how many seats I had reserved for her and only her name on the invitation).  I also told fi.  If he shows up, we can’t really do much but I know I won’t be happy and with his drinking, we might have problems.  I am just hoping she honors my wishes… I will have to speak with her again and make it abundantly clear she is not to even mention my wedding to him (I will do that once she officially RSVPs).

    Post # 16
    Member
    205 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @vickyness:  I agree with you, in any other circumstance it would be incredibly rude that we hadn’t invited her (I’m sure to others reading this it still is) however, my Fiance and I made a rule when we made our guest list that we weren’t giving plus ones to our friends unless they were married or in a relationship with someone that we knew for a long time. We both have friends that are in an out of relationships and it can be hard to keep up. We just didn’t want a lot of people we don’t know at our wedding. When we sent out the prelim RSVP they weren’t even engaged yet. So we didn’t feel the need to include her (but also of course taking into account all the other issues she’s caused us over the last few months they’ve been dating, we made the decision that if they were still together we just didn’t want her at our wedding. I don’t want to throw too many stones, but she’s an incredibly manipulative woman who is marrying this ex Groomsmen for all the wrong reasons. So many red flags that everyone around him takes note of, but he refuses to see himself)

    I know it sounds horrible and I wish this wasn’t the way it all worked out. I’m sick thinking about how we all used to be such good friends. We both love all his other friends’ wives and girlfriends. Unfortunately this one had to find a bad apple.

    So sorry for thread hacking! 

    To OP I hope your situation resolves easily and that your wedding day is just as you’ve always dreamed it would be 🙂

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