(Closed) How to tell extended family they are not invited

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think that the explination you have is simple and honest. You should just tell them the truth. Sometime later you could have a family get together that includes them and is meant to celebrate you and your finace/new husbands union. Family dinner, bbq, small party etc. If you wanted you could even wear your dress and have everyone dress nice play music and recreate an at home reception. People may be disapointed  that they can’t attend but certainly family should understand trying to be reasonable and they should commend you for that. It’s very easy to go overboard. Sometimes just staing the facts is the best you can do.

Post # 4
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

@NJmeetsBX:  I am experiencing the same exact thing.  I have grown up very close to a lot of my grandmother’s sisters, their children, and grandchildren.  Everyone just calls each other “cousin”.  There is no “first cousin, third cousin” classification.  In fact, I am closer to a lot of my third cousins than I am to my first cousins.  If I was broke down on the side of the road, I could depend on a second or third cousin to come help me out… even if I haven’t seen/talked to them in ages.

In our family, it is the expectation that everyone will be included in any major event.  When I got engaged, I didn’t plan on inviting any second/third cousins, at all because we don’t have the money.  Well, when everyone found out I was engaged they just assumed they were invited to the wedding.  “Oh, I heard the wedding is gonna be at the beach!  We’ve already got a place to stay.  It’s gonna be so much fun!”  I was taken aback, because I did not know how to say to them that they weren’t invited.  I ended up not saying anything.  Now, Fiance and I are scrambling to come up with the money for this thing.

What I’d recommend to you is sticking to your guns.  Just tell your cousins that you guys are keeping the wedding really intimate and couldn’t afford to invite a lot of people.  Say that if you’d invited them, your Fiance would’ve wanted to invte his third and second cousins too, and it would’ve been out of control.  Hopefully they’ll understand.

Post # 6
Bee
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

Its sort of awkward to tell people they aren’t invited…

I would recommend not bringing it up TO them, but if they bring it up to you (ie comments about how theyre excited, where they are staying etc) – say “Oh, I guess my Mom (or other family member) didn’t tell you… we’re having a very small, immediate family only wedding due to costs and venue space restriction” 

You can always send out wedding announcements afterwards, too.  That way they feel a little included?

Post # 7
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Im not inviting extended. Its aunt and uncles, first cousins and close family friends. My parents told me not to worry about, as we are only having a small wedding too. Your explaination to us is perfect! The more people you have, the more expensive the wedding will be. Like pink said, stick you your guns!! I dont think you have to tell them in advance, and if it gets brought up later, just let them know. If I was to invite all my extened family it would be almost 400 people!

Post # 8
Member
3266 posts
Sugar bee

It is not polite to tell people they are not invited to a party.  If/when they ask you can just tell them that you love them, but have decided to have a very small wedding, but that hopefully you will be able to celebrate with them after the wedding sometime.

This is best done in the moment and not in a formal communication.

Post # 9
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I personally don’t think you should have the conversation as it’s awkward and could cause further problems.  If you really think they need an explanation, I’d get other family memebers to politely explain the situation.  I think most people understand there are financial constraints at weddings and not everyone can be invited. 

Post # 10
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

send a wedding announcement after the wedding saying “we had a small intimate ceremony on xx-xx-xxxx”

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