Post # 1
I’m considering keeping my last name – actually for cultural reasons. My family is very important to me. I come from a multi-cultural family and I am biracial. My name is really the only indicator of this, however, because of my “white-passing” appearance. I really value that my identity is made up of so many cultures, histories, etc. I feel like shedding that name would not reflect how much importance I place on my family history and cultural ties.
My fiancé is a forward thinking person. He was raised by a feminist single mother, and has always proudly identified as a feminist. He may not be upset about this at all! However, he’s mentioned on quite a few occasions how important family legacy is to him. I think just because society still makes such a big deal out of a woman keeping her own name, I’m really worried about his reaction. Especially because, before we got engaged I hadn’t given it serious thought and I mentioned taking his name a few times just because at that point the tradition was all that was in my head. But once I really started thinking seriously about changing my name, it just doesn’t feel right…
I don’t mind having a different last name from my kids. Hyphenating isn’t an option as both our last names are 3 syllables each and that is just a mouthful…
Any advice on how I can bring this up with him is much appreciated.
Post # 2
“FI, I’ve thought about it, and it’s really important to me to keep my last name.”
That might sound overly simple, but that really is all you have to do. It’s considerate to think of his feelings, but IMO it’s 100% your choice, because it’s your name. I’m sort of keeping mine (double barreling), and when I made that choice, I just told my Fiance matter-of-factly.
Post # 3
bretagne422 : THIS
Agree it’s entirely your choice, but giving your Fiance a head’s up about this sooner rather than later is better.
Post # 4
agree with pp – just tell him directly! The longer you wait, the more you’ll stress about it, when in reality the convo will probably go very smoothly. If your Fiance is forward thinking/liberal then he will probably respect your choice no matter what.
Post # 5
I agree just tell him. If you are ok with having a different last name then your children then that should take care of the whole legacy part.
Outside of your name, I’m sure there are other ways you can appreciate your fmaily and culture. Through music, food, language and clothes. And make sure your children are able to celebrate it as well.
Post # 6
starr0531 : There will be many such times in the years ahead!!! 🙂 Sit down with him and tell him what you told us – that you remember you mentioned it before, and at that time were considering taking his last name, but on further reflection, you would prefer to keep your own name (list reasons). Then be open to listen to his thoughts. The decision, however, is yours to make.
Post # 7
My fiance also cares about legacy, but to him it means making sure stories are passed down. He was fine with me keeping my name since it is my decision after all.
Post # 8
Honestly you don’t owe him any apology or explanation.
Post # 9
Agree – just tell him straight. ‘I’ve decided to keep my name as it’s very important to me’. If you come at it defensively or apologetically it makes it seem like you think you are doing something wrong which are certainly not.
Post # 10
Just tell him what you explained to us. Originally my Fiance wanted me to change my name but after thinking about it I came to the same decision as you and said simply, “I think I’d like to keep my name,” and talked about my reasoning and now he’s totally cool with it.
Post # 11
Thank you for all of your responses! It gave me the courage to just say it and he was super understanding and supportive about my decision. I totally built up a bad reaction in my head! I appreciate all your input 🙂