(Closed) How to tell future stepchildren about marriage? Together or just him

posted 6 years ago in Family
  • poll: How do we tell his kids we're getting married?
    We should tell them together after proposal : (13 votes)
    14 %
    He should tell them before he proposes : (59 votes)
    64 %
    He should tell them after he proposes : (20 votes)
    22 %
  • Post # 4
    Member
    399 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    As a child of parents who are still together, and without children, I don’t have any advice. But I think you sound like you are going to be a fantastic, considerate step-momma! 🙂 Congratulations and Good Luck!

    Post # 6
    Member
    1060 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    @luvmesumhim:  

    I do not have children or step parents, but my thought would be this: His children are still young and probably do not fully understand ( thinking of my neices and nephews who are part of our wedding, know we are getting ‘married’ but not truly what that means ) so I don’t think he needs to speak with them before proposing (ie asking permission).

    I agree with you about him speaking to them alone so that they don’t feel shy in front of you (but I can’t imagine them having anything negative to say at their age, and you sound like you will be an amazing step-parent). Maybe he can say something along the lines of “Daddy has some exciting news, he loves luvmesumhim and asked her to marry me. We are going to have a wedding and you two have a very important role blah blah blah….” which sort of sets the tone of the conversation in a happy way that will likely get them excited as well??

     

    You can involve them by having them be part of the planning process. Have him take his son to get a suit for himself and the son, have his daughter go with you to buy shoes and a dress for her. Let them taste the cake (if there is one). Those are all fun activities and will help make them feel important 🙂

    Good luck!

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    5892 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I don’t have experience from either end, but my gut is that he should tell them before. Not to ask for permission, but to make them feel like they are apart of the process. I also think you should start showing them (and telling them) that you are dating.

    I found this at the site below 

    • Seen and valued. Kids often feel unimportant or invisible when it comes to decision making in the new blended family. Recognize their role in the family when you make decisions.

    http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm

    Post # 8
    Member
    5892 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    double post

    Post # 9
    Member
    401 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @Pink Asawa:  +1

    I would agree with your logic if they were older and may have strong opinions on the matter, but at thier ages there is probably nothing to worry about. You are probably fine telling them together.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1572 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Agree that he should let them know without you, perhaps take them out for an afternoon and let them know on his own, and then come home to dinner with you, so you can discuss as a newly blended family.

    When my mom remarried (I was 16, so big age difference), my stepfather included my sister and I in the ceremony by presenting us with our own rings, to show he was committed not only to our mom, but to us as well. I thought it was really nice, and showed he cared.

    Not sure if there is somethign you can do along those lines as well? Perhaps you can do the jars of sand, one for you, one for hubby to be, and one for the kids, and can all mix them together in a Unity Ceremony?

    Good luck! It sounds like you will be a great stepmom!

    Post # 11
    Member
    8041 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @luvmesumhim:  I would let him do it, for the reasons you stated.

    Post # 15
    Member
    732 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    @luvmesumhim:  I’ve just been thru this scenario! My children, and DH’s kids are older than your future “Bonus kids” but here’s how we handled…(FYI, my son is 13, my daughter is 11, Darling Husband son is 11, Darling Husband daughter is 16) 

    Darling Husband & I dated for about 3 months, only telling kids we had met someone and had a new friend.

    Then, I began dating him and his kids, and he began dating me and my kids.

    Then, once his kids knew me pretty well and mine knew him pretty well, we ALL 6 started “dating” as a big group. We did this for about 6 months. 

    Darling Husband proposed to me, I accepted. It was OUR adult decision to make, not up for “vote” by the masses, in our opinion. 

    I told my children privately, he told his children privately. This afforded each child the comfort of being able to let loose all of their questions, concerns, everything, with the parent they are secure with. No pressure to put on airs or good manners, no fear or hurting anyone’s feelings. 

    We let the news sink in with the kids (and parents) for about a full month before we even announced it to family and friends. After it was made public to everyone, we picked out a ring and I began wearing it. 

    This worked out great for us! Once we announced our engagement publicly, we began including the kids in decision making regarding the ceremony and celebration…and all four kids were included in our vows, and stood up for me and Darling Husband, the eldest child of each serving as the Ring-Bearer. 

    We didn’t follow any advice or model. We simply did what we felt was right for us as parents, and tried to be aware of what our kids seemed to need from us. If I had to do it all again I wouldn’t change a thing. 

    Very best of luck to you! It speaks volumes about your character that you’re even concerned about it 🙂 the children are very lucky to be getting a “bonus mom” like you! Congrats on the engagement! 

    Post # 16
    Member
    1311 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    We had the same dillema. After my intensive reasearch We have decided that he should be the one to prep them. tell them of his plan. Then once he purchases the ring… to show it to them so they get excited and feel like they are part of the surprise….

    Regardles of how happy you all are… marriage / wedding is bitter sweet for children. Regardles if their dad has a lady friend, or even if you live together. Children always hope deep inside that mommy and daddy will be back together… it’s tough but it’s reality. I have dealt with this.

    It’s best to do it slowly and he should be the one to do it…. it will be easier for everyone this way.

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