(Closed) How to tell good friend she isn’t MOH?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Ummmm. If she gets angry that she is just a Bridesmaid or Best Man like the rest than she’s really immature and probably not ready to even be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.

I think it is ok to have everyone a Bridesmaid or Best Man but You still need someone to be your witness.  And when it comes to planning batch parties it is convenient to have a leader.  If they are all BMs they just might wait for each other to organize something and nothing happens.

Post # 4
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Make his sister your Maid/Matron of Honor and then the problem is solved.

Post # 6
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@newbee11: then again, why not have her be MOH?  How much difference there is between the girls is really how you make it.  I’m having virtually no difference at all, they get the same gifts, wear the same thing, same flowers, etc.  The only thing Maid/Matron of Honor is gonna do is sign the legal document and have her entrance right before me.

When your girls are gonna be walking down the aisle someone will be right before you, that’s gonna be the Maid/Matron of Honor in people’s eyes anyway.  I think it’s somehting to think about.  You may have to deal with that competition later if they are all BMs.

Post # 7
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

My best friend was my Maid/Matron of Honor but I made sure to let her know that I didn’t expect reciprocation.  She is the same as you, she has four really great friends.  I didn’t want her to feel obligated, that’s not very best-friend-like.

I think that not designating a Maid/Matron of Honor is fine, and the gentle way of breaking it to her would be sending a group e-mail to all your BMs thanking them for being your BMs and outlining that you don’t want a bridal shower.  (I wouldn’t mention the bachelorette party, it’s kind of rude to ask them to do that up front.  You should wait for them to ask you.)  I think by doing it that way you are letting her know she’s not your Maid/Matron of Honor without singling her out.  If she wants to follow up in private (or reply all) about who your Maid/Matron of Honor is, you can (reply all) that all four girls are so awesome and mean so much to you that you couldn’t pick just one.

Yes she may be hurt, but if she’s a good friend, she’ll get over that and help to plan your day and make it great.

Post # 8
Member
14486 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Are the 3 girls all very good friends also?  I had 3 close friends in the wedding party, we are all very close, I just didnt name a Maid/Matron of Honor.  They were all BMs and equally did all the MOH/BM “duties”

Post # 11
Member
14486 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@newbee11: One of them has to sign the marriage licence??  I though the person performing the ceremony did that?  If you really dont want a Maid/Matron of Honor, dont!  =)  Title them all BM’s, the one you would want to name Maid/Matron of Honor, just have her stand closest to you in Maid/Matron of Honor position, but if anyone asks, I just said, I dont have one, or during introdutions, it wasnt werid at all to call them all Bridesmaid or Best Man.  Like I said, I called mine all BMs, even though Fiance had a best man.  No one batted an eye at it.

Post # 12
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

Not really.  Wedding planning makes people-pleasers really stressed.  You’ll find that you will never be able to please everyone and it will drive you nuts.  The important thing is that YOU are comfortable with your decisions not just on your wedding day, but for the rest of your life.  You don’t want to be looking back in 20 years and asking “What was I thinking??”

Post # 13
Member
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@newbee11: I decided that I could not choose between my Sister and my Best Friend so I made both of them my MOH’S. In this case, I would try and let her down as easily as possible. I would hope she would know that the day is more about who will be doing what, when, where, why and how… Its about your new life with your husband.

Post # 14
Member
866 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

This is a case where I’d advocate for changing their “titles” completely: Best Ladies, Superwomen, Maids of Awesome, etc. Not only is there no reason to designate a Maid/Matron of Honor, there’s no reason for a person to ever feel entitled to that position. Let all thre know that they are your “specials people” and leave it at that.

Post # 15
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I say go with your gut and just have bridesmaids.

I have 7 BMs and no Maid/Matron of Honor.  Two of them I consider my best friends, but they had their sister and childhood best friend as their MOHs.  Another friend is one of my besties and if I had picked the other two as MOHs, she would surely have been hurt (although she had a different MOH).  I was a witness in two of my BMs’ weddings (the 3rd one of the aforementioned, and another one, but always as the 2nd witness).  As you can see it’s all very complicated.

Depending on the state, you may not even need witnesses (Ohio, for example, has no place for them on the marriage license).  In California, you can have up to two but only require one.  In our case, I have only one brother and my fiance has 2–one is acting as the officiant and the other and mine are our two witnesses :).

If your friend is a little offended, that’s ok.  Hopefully she will be polite enough to contain herself with a “flat” tone of voice and a single snarky comment that you can overlook.  She may be a little hurt, but you are not *actually* slighting her, and it’s your day after all!

Post # 16
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I have 2 good friends.  I asked them both to CO-MOH.  One is handling bridal shower stuff – one is handling Bachelorette party, the one that will sign our license was chosen to do that only becuase I have known her longer and the other person was fine with that.  In addition to my Co-MOH’s I have 2 BM’s – my FH sister and the wife of one of the groomsmen who I have recently become friends with, but not very close.

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