Post # 1
I have been a regular on this site for awhile (mostly lurking & reading all the great convos), but I just created a username to ask this question. Sorry to be so anonymous, but I don’t want to reveal my identity in case the friend I’m going to talk about ever comes across this.
Anyway, I recently got engaged & I know exactly who I want my 4 bridesmaids to be: My fiance’s sister + three friends (all of whom I’ve known since junior high). I truly cannot choose between my friends to pick a maid of honor. I love them all equally, and all in different ways, and it just doesn’t feel right to pick ONE of them. I know for some people this is an easy decision; like if they have a sister, or a cousin to whom they’re very close, or just ONE best friend. But I have three best friends!
I don’t want a bridal shower (unless it’s family only & planned by an aunt or something), and I want all of my bridesmaids to chip in & plan my bachelorette party (and I have no doubt about them banding together & doing so, as they all know each other). My fiance & I would also love for all of our attendants to say a little something at the reception, so because of that, there’s no need for a “MOH speech”… So I guess I don’t really see the point in stressing about choosing a Maid/Matron of Honor when it would really just be the title. I really just want four equal bridesmaids with no one having a special title!
So here’s the issue: I am pretty confident that 3 of the girls will be okay with this decision, but I am particularly worried about the reaction of 1 of them. She is a very good friend & is supportive/awesome most of the time, but I think she really has her heart set on being Maid/Matron of Honor. She sort of assumed before I was even engaged that she would be Maid/Matron of Honor, even though I never told her she would be. (I didn’t correct her at the time because I was caught off guard & didn’t know how to politely say, “Don’t go assuming that.”) She has called me her best friend for years, but I always call her & introduce her as “one of my best friends.” She is so important to me & I love her dearly, but she just isn’t my ONLY best friend, you know? I think I am feeling guilty that she would probably choose me as her Maid/Matron of Honor in a heartbeat & I just can’t reciprocate…
I guess I don’t even know what I’m asking for… Maybe just reassurance that I’m not being rude by wanting to equally include all three of my besties (+ my fiance’s sister)? How do I let this friend know that she is one of my best friends but she won’t be my MOH? And what do I do if she gets offended & freaks out?
Post # 3
Ummmm. If she gets angry that she is just a Bridesmaid or Best Man like the rest than she’s really immature and probably not ready to even be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
I think it is ok to have everyone a Bridesmaid or Best Man but You still need someone to be your witness. And when it comes to planning batch parties it is convenient to have a leader. If they are all BMs they just might wait for each other to organize something and nothing happens.
Post # 4
Make his sister your Maid/Matron of Honor and then the problem is solved.
Post # 5
@Storm0075 – I thought of that, but I am not super close to her. She is a great person & I’m excited to have her as a SIL, but I would choose one of my friends as Maid/Matron of Honor before I would choose her.
@Atalanta – I am not afraid of this friend getting angry; I am just concerned about her feelings. I don’t think she will throw a tantrum or anything, but I care about her a lot & think she will be disappointed. I know that’s life, but I still worry. Maybe too much.
Post # 6
@newbee11: then again, why not have her be MOH? How much difference there is between the girls is really how you make it. I’m having virtually no difference at all, they get the same gifts, wear the same thing, same flowers, etc. The only thing Maid/Matron of Honor is gonna do is sign the legal document and have her entrance right before me.
When your girls are gonna be walking down the aisle someone will be right before you, that’s gonna be the Maid/Matron of Honor in people’s eyes anyway. I think it’s somehting to think about. You may have to deal with that competition later if they are all BMs.
Post # 7
My best friend was my Maid/Matron of Honor but I made sure to let her know that I didn’t expect reciprocation. She is the same as you, she has four really great friends. I didn’t want her to feel obligated, that’s not very best-friend-like.
I think that not designating a Maid/Matron of Honor is fine, and the gentle way of breaking it to her would be sending a group e-mail to all your BMs thanking them for being your BMs and outlining that you don’t want a bridal shower. (I wouldn’t mention the bachelorette party, it’s kind of rude to ask them to do that up front. You should wait for them to ask you.) I think by doing it that way you are letting her know she’s not your Maid/Matron of Honor without singling her out. If she wants to follow up in private (or reply all) about who your Maid/Matron of Honor is, you can (reply all) that all four girls are so awesome and mean so much to you that you couldn’t pick just one.
Yes she may be hurt, but if she’s a good friend, she’ll get over that and help to plan your day and make it great.
Post # 8
Are the 3 girls all very good friends also? I had 3 close friends in the wedding party, we are all very close, I just didnt name a Maid/Matron of Honor. They were all BMs and equally did all the MOH/BM “duties”
Post # 9
Thanks so much for your input, ladies! I really appreciate it.
@pinkshoes All three girls know each other but they’re not best friends the way I’m best friends with each of them. Like I said, I am really not worried about them banding together & organizing my bach party (when the time comes). And I’m sure one of them will come forward & become the leader (and I actually have a feeling it will be this friend in question because she loves planning parties & loves weddings).
I did actually think of making this friend the Maid/Matron of Honor, but every time I make up my mind to do that, I go back to feeling like I just really don’t want a Maid/Matron of Honor. I know someone has to sign the marriage license, but I just can’t bestow the “MOH” title on one of them without feeling like I’m slighting the others… 🙁
Thanks again for letting me babble on & for giving advice/feedback. Keep the input coming! 🙂
Post # 10
@MightySapphire: That is so nice of you that you let your friend know you don’t expect the reciprocation! You’re a really great friend. 🙂 I just remembered that I have kind of hinted around to this friend almost hoping for that sort of “permission,” but I haven’t gotten it… For instance, before I was engaged (but I knew it was coming within the next 6 months or so), I said to her that I was already feeling sort of stressed out about the planning & “choosing a maid of honor and all that.” I then added, “Maybe I will make everyone my maid of honor, or have no one, since I have more than one best friend.” She had a weird look on her face & said something like, “Well, you do what you feel is right.” Her tone of voice was very flat & I could tell this irked her… It wasn’t like [excited tone of voice], “It’s your wedding!!! You can do whatever you want! All of your best friends will just be happy to be involved at all!” You know?
If you can’t tell, I am sort of a people pleaser & I really worry a lot about other people’s feelings. It’s exhausting at times! 🙁 Maybe this wedding planning process will help me shed a bit of that tendency…
Post # 11
@newbee11: One of them has to sign the marriage licence?? I though the person performing the ceremony did that? If you really dont want a Maid/Matron of Honor, dont! =) Title them all BM’s, the one you would want to name Maid/Matron of Honor, just have her stand closest to you in Maid/Matron of Honor position, but if anyone asks, I just said, I dont have one, or during introdutions, it wasnt werid at all to call them all Bridesmaid or Best Man. Like I said, I called mine all BMs, even though Fiance had a best man. No one batted an eye at it.
Post # 12
Not really. Wedding planning makes people-pleasers really stressed. You’ll find that you will never be able to please everyone and it will drive you nuts. The important thing is that YOU are comfortable with your decisions not just on your wedding day, but for the rest of your life. You don’t want to be looking back in 20 years and asking “What was I thinking??”
Post # 13
@newbee11: I decided that I could not choose between my Sister and my Best Friend so I made both of them my MOH’S. In this case, I would try and let her down as easily as possible. I would hope she would know that the day is more about who will be doing what, when, where, why and how… Its about your new life with your husband.
Post # 14
This is a case where I’d advocate for changing their “titles” completely: Best Ladies, Superwomen, Maids of Awesome, etc. Not only is there no reason to designate a Maid/Matron of Honor, there’s no reason for a person to ever feel entitled to that position. Let all thre know that they are your “specials people” and leave it at that.
Post # 15
I say go with your gut and just have bridesmaids.
I have 7 BMs and no Maid/Matron of Honor. Two of them I consider my best friends, but they had their sister and childhood best friend as their MOHs. Another friend is one of my besties and if I had picked the other two as MOHs, she would surely have been hurt (although she had a different MOH). I was a witness in two of my BMs’ weddings (the 3rd one of the aforementioned, and another one, but always as the 2nd witness). As you can see it’s all very complicated.
Depending on the state, you may not even need witnesses (Ohio, for example, has no place for them on the marriage license). In California, you can have up to two but only require one. In our case, I have only one brother and my fiance has 2–one is acting as the officiant and the other and mine are our two witnesses :).
If your friend is a little offended, that’s ok. Hopefully she will be polite enough to contain herself with a “flat” tone of voice and a single snarky comment that you can overlook. She may be a little hurt, but you are not *actually* slighting her, and it’s your day after all!
Post # 16
I have 2 good friends. I asked them both to CO-MOH. One is handling bridal shower stuff – one is handling Bachelorette party, the one that will sign our license was chosen to do that only becuase I have known her longer and the other person was fine with that. In addition to my Co-MOH’s I have 2 BM’s – my FH sister and the wife of one of the groomsmen who I have recently become friends with, but not very close.