how to tell grooms mom that she can't come to our planned elopement

posted 2 years ago in Elopement
Post # 92
Member
8789 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Ok, I’m on Team Mother-In-Law here, but some of us are taking it a little too far. You’d sabotage the marriage? If you say you’d deliberately sabotage your son’s marriage because you weren’t invited to their elopement, we now know why you weren’t invited and I now support their decision. Good lord.

ETA: Come on! “Groom’s mom” is not a bizarre way to refer to the groom’s mom! It’s 2 syllables vs 6. Even if we go with Future Mother-In-Law, that’s 2 vs 4. We all agree the OP is wrong, we don’t have to reach for anything.

Post # 93
Member
2443 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I am typing this, without reading any of the other replies, on purpose. I will read them after I give my opinion. 

I totally identify with your FMIL! How desperate and sad she must feel, when your mother is at the wedding, in ANY capacity, for ANY reason, and she is banned! 

Get real! How far are we going to push this?

Post # 93
Member
9619 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

I was with you and on your side for the first couple sentences.  And then you admitted your mom was coming, and that it “couldn’t be helped” for a few very weak reasons, and also your mom is just so much better than his mom so nah nah nah nah nyaaaaaah.  Just.. selfish to the point of cruel.

Post # 94
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Daisy_Mae :  I agree with you that some comments are becoming a bit too mean, but at the same time I could see some people really being offended by this situation. So even if the Mother-In-Law doesn’t actively searches to sabotage their marriage, she will probably tell what happened to the rest of the family (maybe even with lots of resentment towards her DIL) and this would cause his family to change their attitude towards her -or them, depending on how the story is phrased.

So I don’t think it is too far fetched to try and show OP some future consequences this situation might have in their lives.

 

Post # 95
Member
11821 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

DeniseSecunda :  From the way this was written I assumed that there were no fathers in the picture. But given the way this thread has gone, that might very well be a false assumption. 

I believe OP said she is not planning to have children because of the existence of some “problem” family members. 

Post # 96
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Erinandcookie :  you don’t appear to value family very much so let me ask you a different way….Imagine this,  you have 2 besties. One is getting married, she tells you that *you* are not welcome, but your other bestie is allowed to be there/ share the event with her… You don’t think you would be upset/hurt by this? You don’t think this would negatively impact your relationship with her?  

It is rather selfish/mean/rude/ hurtful of you and your fiance to exclude his mother!  I hope you reconsider.

Post # 97
Member
260 posts
Helper bee

I dunno, I can see from OP’s point of view. I don’t have a close relationship with my SO’s mom, and she lives a long way from us. I wouldn’t see the point of her coming over just for a 10 minute ceremony then leave her alone in a strange place. 

OP – what about live streaming it to the groom’s mom? 

Post # 98
Member
819 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

glitterandshine :  but the point isn’t how close OP feels to her Future Mother-In-Law……it shouldn’t be all about her. this is her FIs mother and it can be assumed that there is some kind of relationship between the two of them. It is about the OP respecting and being considerate of that relationship. My Mother-In-Law lives on the other side of the world, we don’t speak the same language and our relationship consists of me saying a quick hi once a month or so when Darling Husband is on the phone with her. I don’t feel anything for her honestly, but as she means a lot to the man I love and have chosen to spend my life with; I choose to be kind and friendly towards her and respect the relationship Darling Husband has with her. 

Good idea about live streaming!

Post # 99
Member
648 posts
Busy bee

It’s bizarre that you won’t just let her be there. It means so much to her, but you’re being so stubborn and can’t make an exception for ONE person: the person who gave him life? Wow. You have like zero compassion or empathy for another persons feelings. I wonder what happened in life that made you so hard that others peoples feelings don’t matter at ALL to you. I could understand if she was HORRIBLE, but that’s not what I’ve gathered. I guess I have no advice, except to say that I hope you’re not planning on your kids (if you have them) giving two shits about your feelings when they grow up, since that’s how you are.

Post # 100
Member
648 posts
Busy bee

Erinandcookie :  I think we’re RELIEVED you’re not having kids. We think you’re selfish. But not because of the no kids factor.

Post # 101
Member
1378 posts
Bumble bee

weddingmaven :  She said, “also pls dont call me selfish for not wanting kids. i spent 10 years of my life teaching and raising other peoples kids, and theres nothing selfish about going childless.”

Post # 102
Member
11821 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

DeniseSecunda :  Sorry, I realize that you were referring to past experiences rather than the idea of future children, now. CFBC is the better option for anyone who describes herself the way OP does. I have to give her credit for that much self awareness. 

Post # 103
Member
761 posts
Busy bee

If your mother will be there, then his mother should have the option of being there, too. I wouldn’t start marriage life on such a sour note .

 

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