(Closed) How to tell him I don't want him to have a crazy bachelor party

posted 5 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
Member
9074 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m a fan that the bachelor party is the one day where the bride has absolutely no say in what he does. Just like the bachelorette party is the one day where he has no say in what you do.

If your SO isn’t committed to the relationship, you need to work this out now. Marriage is not a magic wand. it will not fix your problems. If you have commitment issues, marriage will not fix that and this goes beyond a bachelor party. If committment is going to be a problem, whether he has a “crazy” bachelor party or not, it isn’t going to fix anything.

Post # 4
Member
2553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@minted:  Just talk to him and tell him how you feel. If you have good communication, it shouldnt be an issue and he should understand that you arent comfortable with it. I know we shouldnt butt in too much, but our best man tried to schedule the party the night before the wedding and FH can get quite hung over. I told him I wasnt comfortable with him being hung over on our wedding day and he spoke to his best man. Now, if you dont trust him and think one night may cause long term problems, there may be other issues.

Post # 5
Member
5965 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@minted:  You are certainly allowed to tell him anything you like, and express your feelings, fears and thoughts….but expecting that to trump his bachelor party plans may be an unrealisty expectation….if it bothers you and he cares, he’ll find a way to have a fun night that doesn’t make you insane…but at least be ready to meet him halfway, after all…it’s only one night.

Post # 6
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

“Have fun, but I would be uncomfortable if you touched another girl.”

Post # 7
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

In past relationships I always had issues with ex’s going to strip clubs and even having a night out drinking because even though I told myself “ I trust him” deep down I didn’t. Another reason they are ex’s. Do you feel like bringing this up to him that you don’t want him to have this kind of a party will start a fight? If you have a gut feeling that something may changes his feelings you really need to work it out now. A women’s gut is never wrong.

Post # 8
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Legare Waring House

@Hyperventilate:  My thoughts exactly. While I agree that yes, he should take your thoughts/feelings into consideration in general, I have to imagine he already knows how you feel, and has made the decision to do this because it is what he wants to do. IMO, the commitment needs to be there regardless. 

My Fiance and his dumb buddies (who I call dumb affectionately) will for sure be doing something like that. I have said that I’m not bailing them out of jail, so they better do it well in advance of the wedding. If he loves you and wants to be married to you, you have nothing to worry about.

Post # 9
Member
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Hyperventilate:  I don’t know if I agree with the first part of your post. I don’t think a girl is unreasonable to want to set some boundaries when it comes to bachelor parties. It doesn’t mean that you don’t trust your Fiance if you want to set boundaries. I don’t think a bachelor party gives a guy the right to do absolutely anything he wants regardless of the bride’s feelings.

 

A lot of people say “if you trust him, then let him do whatever he wants!” But that doesn’t work if you and he aren’t on the same page. He has to know what you are uncomfortable with him doing in order for you to trust him not to do it. If you don’t tell him what you are uncomfortable with him doing, he might do something that he didn’t realize was wrong in your eyes, because every girl has different opinions about what a guy should or should not do at a bachelor party. At the same time, though, you can’t make outrageous requests and expect him concede without a fight.

 

I do agree with the second half of Hyperventilate’s post, though, 100%. It sounds like you have bigger issues than what he will be doing at the party. If you don’t trust him to be committed to you after the party, then that is somehting you guys need to figure out before you get married, because like PP said, getting married won’t magically fix these problems

 

Post # 10
Member
9074 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@LilliePad:  The way I see it is that if trust is mutual, your SO isn’t going to do something that will ruin the relationship. I trust my husband explicitly and he’ll be having his bachelor party in June. I have no say in what he does, I would never, ever tell him what to do on his bachelor party. I know he isn’t going to go home with another woman, or do anything that would violate our trust in each other or our marriage and relationship. He trusts me. I trust him. That’s how it works.

Now, I understand boundaries, and I’ve never insinuated that boundaries = trust issues. However, I think there are a time and a place for boundaries, and a bachelor party is his “one last hurrah” as a “free man” so to speak. Let him have his one night and then everything goes back to being peachy keen.

If there are trust issues, boundaries won’t fix it. If there are commitment issues, boundaries won’t fix it. The only thing that fixes trust issues is to address the issue, work on it, and then learn to trust again.

Post # 11
Member
2098 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

“Have a great time but please remember that we both are responsible for respecting our relationship. I am not ok with ____, so I’m kindly requesting you not do it”. 

 

I requested no strippers & no drunk driving. Fiance had no issue. At all. The only reason I mentioned it is because of his somewhat rowdy friends could use his party as an excuse to partake in gross behavior in the name of a bachelor party. I feel it’s fair. 

 

Post # 12
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Here’s the thing, I wouldn’t have married my husband if I thought there was a chance he would cheat on me or change his mind about wanting to be with me. That goes for the bachelor party and the rest of our lives. I told him upfront that there would be no strippers at his party and he agreed. He doesn’t drink so it helps that he doesn’t live that lifestyle but his friends are heavy party boys.

As his future wife, you have every right to let him know how you feel and what you are not okay with.

 

Post # 13
Member
2098 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Birdee106:  I agree and asked the same!!

Post # 14
Member
6021 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@minted:  if you are worried that one night of partying will make him want to leave your committed relationship I would say that is the biggest thing you need to consider in all of this. If you think thats all it might take to get him to walk away than you should probably sit down and really talk about your relationship and upcoming marriage to make sure you both are on the same page. What will you do? keep him on a very short leash for the rest of your marriage? tell him no more going out, ever? no matter how you twist it, this kind of trust issue is not something you should have going into a marriage.

ETA: this isn’t to say it’s not ok to let him know that certain things make you uncomfortable. But he is an adult and you knew about his ability to party and the type of friends he has before you went into a relationship with him. If this as an issue at its core, this shouldn’t be the time it came up. Its one thing to kindly say, “im uncomfortable with xyz so could you please respect my feelings on this and not include things like that in your bachelor party?” but be reasonable. saying “don’t go out and party” is ridiculous. He should be able to choose what he wants for his own bachelor party, within reason.

 

Post # 15
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Hyperventilate:  My fiance was in Amsterdam last week for his bachelor party.  I told him, “Don’t have sex, don’t get arrested, and don’t get killed.”  I was pretty sure none of those things would happen, and said them mostly joking.  Can you imagine the reaction of other women on these boards if their fiances had gone to Amsterdam???

Post # 16
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

New rule:

If a crazy bachelor party is enough to make your fiance want an open relationship, then you’re marrying the wrong guy.

You can’t control him. Stop trying.

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