Post # 1
I’m not one to rant long and hard about something. I keep things in my head and think it through before I react. When I get in an arguement with someone, I take a step back and think before I say something that could ruin a friendship.
That being said, I don’t know if the girl who’s going to be my personal assistant in my wedding is leading me on. She was a good friend to me since high school. We’ve been through a lot together but she wasn’t someone I wanted to be a bridesmaid. She wasn’t quite THAT close to me. But I still wanted to involve her. So I made her my personal assistant. Lately she had a problem with another friend of mine. I have no idea how it started and what happened but my name got dragged into it. I still don’t know what was said and frankly, I don’t want to. But they both won’t talk to each other anymore.
The girl in question calls me and asks whether or not I said something to the other girl. I honestly have no idea what she’s talking about and say so. We talk and get everything worked out and make plans to meet up for lunch the next day to sit and talk. A couple days go by and everything’s kosher.
I had talked to the other girl and asked her if she said something about me that never happened and she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. Eugh… By this time I feel like I’m back in high school. So I drop it and don’t make a big deal about it. It wasn’t my fight to get into. A month or so later and my to-be personal assistant hasn’t talked to me since around the lunch date. I asked my other girl friend if she had talked to her. She looked at me like I was crazy. Stupid move on my part, I had forgotten they don’t talk anymore. Eugh again. I felt like a moron.
Here’s where I’m conflicted. She then tells me the other girl had told her when they were fighting she was only in my wedding to be IN a wedding. She was going to wait until after the wedding to call off our friendship because she wanted to say she helped plan the wedding.
I don’t know if she really feels like that or not. I feel strange calling her up and asking her if she REALLY wants to be in the wedding when she hasn’t talked to me in about a month. I just don’t know what to think and I don’t want to offend anyone or let their drama influence my decision. I just feel really uncomfortable with her now and she’s caused a lot of these problems for a lot of my friends. I’m kind of worried she’ll cause problems at the wedding itself.
So… do I ask her to bow out of the wedding, just ask whether she really wants to be in it, or just leave it alone alltogether?
Post # 3
umm all of this sounds rather childish on everyone part, including yours. You don’t need all this extra stress and pettiness on your wedidng day.
First of all if that is true and she just wants to be in a wedding to say she was in a wedding, I can’t blame her because your reasons of having her “in the wedding” (and I think what you having her doing barely qualfies) are just as bad, and seems self serving on your part.
I actually think it’s insulting to be asked to be a personal assitant for a friend. If you didn’t want her in the bridal party you could have just invited her as guest or not at all if she isn’t a close friend.
Either way all of this is a moot point. You can end this now but cutting the crap and putting a well needed end to the friendship, which will put an end to she said/ he said, second hand information and back and forth middle school behavior.
Post # 4
What’s a personal assistant? It sounds to me like you’re leading her on by “including” her in he wedding party but not as a bridesmaid.
Post # 5
I actually find both of your comments on here offensive. I apologize but since you both don’t understand the circumstances of my wedding than I would appreciate not making comments like that. I wasn’t looking for someone to attack how I picked my girls in the first place. I was asking an opinion on whether or not to ask someone to bow out politely.
Post # 6
I don’t know what a personal assistant (in terms of a wedding) is either, but not sure why that matters.
I think you should just call the girl who you haven’t heard from in a while, and chat. Call with the assumption that nothing’s wrong between the two of you and that she does want to be your personal assistant. However, after a nice good rapport is re-established, drop a few kindly-phrased feelers out there that will let her back out of it if she is not interested anymore.
Stay completely out of the drama with the other girl. Do not mention the other girl to her (and vice versa).
Post # 7
@joya_aspera: She’s the one that looks out for me and the girls during the wedding. She’s been with me to pick my dress, talks to me about wedding plans, keeps me from being stressed… little stuff. But she likes it. She wants to be a wedding planner and she takes to it like a fish to water. LoL I actually have quite a few girls in the wedding but only 5 are bridesmaids. My Fiance has a huge anxiety disorder that makes it hard for him to make friends etc and he felt bad he didn’t have a lot of friends to be in the wedding. I told him it wasn’t a big deal so the other girls are reading, singing, musicians, etc. They’ll still be up with us but we aren’t calling them bridesmaids.
Sorry if it doesn’t make sense but it’s a non-traditional wedding since I don’t want my Fiance stressed. He’s already going to have to take medication for it. ANYWAY, I was hoping to call her and talk to her but I just don’t know what to say. I don’t talk about people to other people and I pride myself in not getting involved in other people’s fights… but I don’t know how to talk to her without giving her the impression I’m kicking her out of the wedding. If she really does want to be in it and they were just girls being drama queens, I don’t want to offend her. Eugh… Sorry that was yet another long rant.
Post # 8
@GlynnBugg13: So she does all the stuff that a Bridesmaid or Best Man does and more (looks out/acts as slave for the BM’s) but doesn’t get the honour of being a BM?
I can kind of see her reasons for playing you. It is a bit of a slap in the face to be told you are not good enough to stand beside me at my wedding but good enough to do all these chores and run around after me and the other bridal party members.
Is it nice that she might feel like that – no but it is not very nice what you have done to her.
Post # 9
A personal assistant are you kidding me she’s not important enough to be a bridesmaid then don’t include her
Post # 10
Being named a “personal assistant” under the pretense of being “in the wedding” is bad enough, but being kicked out would be even more insulting. Or maybe it would be better, because the “personal assistant” would have dodged a huge bullet.
Post # 11
Are you paying her? If she is your personal assistant then you should 1. be paying her 2. have a contract about what is expected and what qualifies for termination.
If she is a friend helping you out by doing everything for you then I think you need to cut her some slack. She’s doing the work with none of the glory of being recognized as being a bridesmaid.
So I’d invite her to lunch, (spoil her for a minute), acknowledge the crap out of all the work she is doing and find out how she’s feeling about this since it is pretty non-traditional to have a personal assistant. Find out what’s working, what’s not, what can change to make things better. Maybe she’ll decide the drama is too much and excuse herself. Or maybe she’ll see that you’re looking out for her and tell you why the drama is going down the way it is.
I think ignoring the drama is good. But ignoring that there’s a problem between your friends who are all a part of your wedding isn’t. So things having brewed this long is definitely not helping the situation. You are the bride and special and your day will be amazing but it’s time to put some energy into making your ladies feel loved and that their needs are met too!
Post # 12
I would not change a thing. Do not make a special effort to message her or make plans, only do what you would already be doing with her. Just be normal.
Why do I say this?
If she really is planning on backing away from your friendship after the wedding, does it really matter? She is being a lovely person by being supportive and doing what you ask of her. She is helping and is planning on fulfilling her role in the wedding.
Internally if she is thinking that she doesn’t really want to make an effort to be your friend after her “duty” is done, does that really matter? She is doing everything you ask her to now. She is taking the high road. She could have left you in a heap the moment she realised that she didn’t want to continue the friendship, but instead she is going to stick it out and help you.
Why try and rock the boat?
Of course, everything you’ve heard could be hogs wash. You won’t know until after the wedding.
Just let sleeping dogs lie and be grateful that she is being such a great help to you. 🙂
Post # 13
@icetea: I think this is really great advice and agree 100%.
Post # 14
@icetea: I agree as well.
If she is acting as your “personal assistant” it really doesn’t sound like she is “in the wedding”. Will she get to stand with you at the ceremony, ride in the limo (if you are having one), get ready with you and the girls? She may love planning weddings and events, however I wouldn’t be surprised if she is a little hurt that she is doing all this work and not a bridesmaid. Honestly, if I were considered my friends go-to person for wedding planning, and helped her work through all the details I would be a little offended if I were not important enough to be a bridesmaid. Like icetea said, ignore the drama.
Post # 15
I had a personal assistant for my wedding. Well, she was a personal assistant/usherette. She was the best! I did give her some cash after the wedding but she wasn’t expecting it. She was like my second brain. I didn’t have a wedding planner just a day of coordinator.
Post # 16
Your feelings of being of offended are you own and you are entitled to them. When you post things on the internet you may get responses you don’t like and weren’t looking for. You can either grow a thicker skin or don’t post your business on the internet for other people to comment.
I didn’t attack you personally. I labeled certain things childish, because they seem childish to me.You are using second hand information from a person who doesn’t even like girl to decide if you should ask her to bow out, when techinically she really isn’t even in your wedding party to begin with.
You almost seemed to be framing this as something that she enjoyed and is just for her almost like you are doing her favor or giving her honor. Well you are getting a lot out of her for free. The things you mentioned are things if a bride is lucky the bridal party goes along with, and actually some of the very things you metion are in my contract and part of the services I am paying my wedding planner to do.
Let assume she really did make that statement. What is so offensive about what she said? If anything after getting free labor from her, I would think the least you can do is be a referral for her if she really is trying to get into this profession. It goes from being a one sided transation that benefits only you, to being a mutally beneficial arrangement that everyone gets something out.