(Closed) how to tell my maid of honor that I'm also going to have a matron of honor?

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
7649 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

A Maid/Matron of Honor is someone that you love and respect–not one that spends a lot of money planning your parties and can help you with everything. IMO.

That aside, you are allowed to have 2 Maid/Matron of Honor (or a Maid/Matron of Honor and matron of honor) if you want to. There should be no hurt feelings honestly. Many people have two. I think it is a great way to show your other Bridesmaid or Best Man how thankful you are that she is there to help you. That being said, I think you have stated doing it for the wrong reason, and I don’t think you need to be telling your Maid/Matron of Honor that. Just tell her you love her and you are having a maid of honor and matron of honor, and leave it at that. No explanation necessary.

 

Post # 4
Member
46612 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@BubblingBride2012:  

I feel that I should give the honor of this title to the girl who will be planning everything and putting a lot of money into my wedding should know that I appriciate everything she has done.

I understand your motivation to honor the bridesmaid who will be doing the bulk of the planning. I suggest you leave out any reference to money however. It does not cast you in a flattering light.

There is absolutely no need for showers and bachelorettes to be a financial drain on your bridesmaids. If it is, then perhaps they and you need to re-think your plans.

Post # 5
Member
9053 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

@BubblingBride2012:  I don’t really get the point of adding a second moh.  I was moh for my best friend and all the costs for the shower/bachelorette were spread evenly. I actually didn’t even take the lead on planning the shower, but did for the bachelorette. But my role was more point of contact and makin sure info in general was disseminated to the group.  

same thing in my own wedding party. My sister was moh so she helped coordinate things but didn’t have a significantly more complex/expensive role than anybody else.  My shower was actually hosted by an extended family member that wasn’t in the bridal party at all, so that’s not a necessary role for moh/bms in general. 

i’d probably just leave it as is, but if you’re set on promoting somebody I’d just present it to her as wanting to give her extra help from a clearly designated go-to person. 

Post # 6
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I have a Maid and Matron of Honor. There was no explanation needed, it is quite common.

Post # 7
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t think you can do it without hurting her feelings. You’re making your choice about who should have this honor at your wedding based on who has the most money to plan your shower and bachelorette rather than who is the closest to you. I’m sorry if you think it’s rude, but I don’t think it’s the right thing to do. Have you considered just having two maid of honors instead of one if you’d like the other girl to have a special title too? Your wedding day IS about you and your groom, but that’s no reason to hurt a friend who is already going through a stressful time.

 

ETA: Went back and read the other responses and realized I may be a bit confused here – do you intend to have both a maid and matron of honor, or just make the other girl your Maid/Matron of Honor and ask the other girl to step back down to being a normal bridesmaid?

 

Post # 8
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I just asked each one to be my Maid/Matron of Honor. I didn’t officially let the other know…just that so and so was going to be my ____ of Honor.

 

I was casual about it. And neither was hurt. At all. They just said, “Oh ok.”.

 

So you can say to this first girl that you were just letting everyone know that you asked Jane to be your ___ of Honor. And then provide them each with contact information for everyone.

Post # 9
Member
7211 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

If you’re not taking her Maid of Honor title away I don’t see why it would be a problem at all. 

Post # 10
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@BubblingBride2012:  

I asked my sister to be my Matron of Honor.  As time went on, she told me that she’s been TTC and wasn’t sure about being my Maid/Matron of Honor while trying to have a child. 

I therefore asked my friend to be Maid of Honor, while keeping my sister as matron.  Both were very happy with the arrangement and enjoyed splitting the work.

When my sister was getting married a few years ago, she asked me if it would be OK if she asked me to be her Maid of Honor and her best friend to be her Matron of Honor.  I agreed and I enjoyed working with the other girl. 

It really wasn’t a big deal for any of us to share those responsibilities.  I doubt your friends will be upset. Smile

Post # 13
Member
4518 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

If I were the woman you decided to ask to be the matron of honor, I would be offended. She’s obviously second choice, and the only reason you’d be asking her is for her money. Don’t do it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just stick with your Maid/Matron of Honor and maybe lower your expectations for the bridal shower and the bachelorette (the cost of that one should be split by all the BMs anyway).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not trying to be rude here, so I hope you aren’t offended. This is just how I see the situation.

 

 

 

 

 

ETA: a lot of PPs have pointed out that they had both a maid and matron of honor, and it was totally cool. It’s different when you ask both women at the outset. What I’m objecting to is tacking on this other gal after she wasn’t selected, because you need someone to finance your parties.

 

 

 

Post # 14
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@BubblingBride2012:  I think it is awful to expect any of your girls to shell out money…their dress is enough to buy….I know it seems to be fairly common on these boards but I would NEVER ask this of anyone I want to be at my wedding or in my wedding party…it blows me away actually…not trying to have a dig at you if this is customary in your area 🙂 

Post # 15
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Reality check time. You don’t add a back-up plan Maid/Matron of Honor just to organize and pay for the stuff that you want. Instead of asking someone to be your second choice just so you can have the pretty parties that you want but don’t need, just skip the parties alltogether or scale them down significantly. Pre-wedding parties are optional. Heck, matching/coordinating attendant dresses are optional. You want them, but you don’t need them. So I strongly advise you to not insult a maid by making her your back-up Maid/Matron of Honor just so she can plan your parties and such. These ladies are supposed to be your friends, so it’s probably best not to use them to fulfill your own bridal dreams.

Post # 16
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Wow.  Your wedding party isn’t about what they can do for you. It’s about having the people that you love and can’t imagine not having at your side on your wedding day there with you. 

 

There is no good way to do this, not because of your current Maid/Matron of Honor, but because the person you’re going to ask to be your Matron of Honor is going to know that she was your second choice and, most likely, will understand that she was asked to assume the role because she can bankroll bigger parties. 

 

Don’t do it. Be thankful for what your Maid/Matron of Honor can give you. She’ll likely ask your other maids to pitch in anyway. 

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