Post # 1
I’ve known my “bestie” since I was 8 years old. She’s been like a second mother to my daughter and has been through all sorts of trials and tribulations with me. Well, I was married once before seven years ago and now I’m on round two. My first wedding was to a psycho jerk who went psycho post elopement in a courthouse after driving 5 hours in a AC-less car in 117 degree weather while I was 6 months pregnant after we had been dating for only 7 months. I’ll admit this time in my life was not one of my shining moments. Seven years later and more grown up than I was, I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for a year and a half and we’re doing the wedding thing right this time. Well, more standard than right, as I’m not sure there really is a right way. 16 month engagement after dating for more than a year and living together with our two kids (one each from previous marriages). I am very much in love and it’s easy to see how well my fiance and I get along.
Here’s where the problem starts in. My “bestie” is a little less than jaded and emotionless. To be frank, she’s something of a heartless robot. She likes the night life and to spend her free time partying with plastic barbie dolls. Not the life I live anymore. I’m a hiking, coffee house loving, parent who likes to spend her days painting and singing along with Disney flicks. To give you an idea of how she can be, she lives in Los Angeles (where I grew up) and I live in Missouri, she is a busy bee who manages two restaurants and goes to Pharmaceutical school, when I last visited California (she’s never made an effort to visit me and I’ve lived out of state for 7 years) with my current fiance she made no effort to spend more than 5 minutes with me during my entire trip. I can’t explain why but it was very hurtful and I never told her so. It was all excuses or just flat out ignoring my phone calls/texts. When my fiance asked me to marry him I was so nervous about asking her to be my maid of honor because of the distance and what had happened last time I visited. I caved and asked her (instead of a friend I have in Missouri who has been an amazing person and confidante) and her response was “Well, yeah, I was there for the first mess up, why wouldn’t I be there for the second one?” in a droll and unfeeling tone.
That broke my heart. I really wanted to ask my friend, Heather, here in Missouri to be my MoH and later she confessed she was actually pretty sad that I didn’t ask her instead but because of the length of time I’d known my California girlfriend I went with Denise. She has made no effort to talk to me about wedding stuff and half the time she doesn’t respond to me. I’m 99% sure she’s not working on anything wedding related and we haven’t even talked in over a month. I know she’s busy and probably stretched thin but how do I go about unasking her and giving the position to somebody who genuinely wants it? Am I just overreacting? Should I just stick it out and be agonizing over the whole thing for the rest of my engagement?? Am I being too hard on her??? What do I do!?
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
i dont really understand what the problem is here. She not a friend so id just tell her that I thinkk we ought to go our seperate ways as weve obviously grown apart. I personally would throw a snarky comment about her not having to be there to clean up my mess and me having to deal with her mess but I can be a bitch.
Post # 4
Kick her butt to the curb hunny. I would flat out tell her ” it wasnt a mess up it was a life lesson”…. because unless she craps glitter she isn’t perfect!!! Appologize to the MO friend and explain the situation. True friends understand. Then move on…. You have good friends with you now, you don’t need the toxic ones.
Post # 5
She is not much of a friend anymore despite how long you have known her. Be blunt with her that you have changed your mind and you are going with someone else.
Post # 6
I’m in the camp that once you ask someone to be in your wedding, then you should live with that decision. But, I’d also ask Heather and just have two MOH’s. It sounds like your California friend lives a busy, stressful lifestyle, so I can understand that her main concern isn’t thinking about your wedding. That’s why you’d have Heather to help with those things and be your support system. You originally asked California friend for a reason (she’s been a longtime friend), so remember that reasoning. Although, if you have such negative things to say about her (“jaded, emotionless, heartless robot, parties with plastic barbie dolls, makes no effort with your friendship”), then I’m not really sure why you’re holding onto the friendship?
Post # 7
@lochnessy: Most of the time, I am definitely in the camp of “You asked her, now you’re stuck with it.” However, I do feel that your newer friend in Missouri deserves this honor and your friend in California seems like she doesn’t even want it.
I think that you need to eat crow and talk to your older friend and explain how you two have grown apart and that perhaps you were a bit too quick in chosing roles for the wedding. I don’t know if I would oust her from the wedding party completely, but explain to her that the woman that you want standing right next to you needs to be a 100% supporter of you and the marriage and.
Post # 8
@MadTownGirl: HAHA same opening sentence. Hillarious!
Post # 10
It sounds as though you aren’t that close anymore, maybe you could aski your local friend to be a Maid/Matron of Honor as well so that you don’t have to wait for the original girl to get her act together. It also sounds like she hasn’t got a great opinion of marriage so she might be a downer on the day.
On the other hand though, you are a year away, so why would she be working on wedding things at all unless you have asked her specifically to do so? She should be in contact with you more regularly though.
Post # 11
So you two have grown apart. It’s not that her life is terrible and yours is totally together (and vice versa) just different. Truthfully you sound kind of judgy towards her life choices, which would really irritate me if I had seen my friend through some major oops moments in her past. If this judgment is translating in your real life, she might just not see a place for you anymore. And you may not see a place for her anymore. I would say cut your losses and hope to possibly reconnect in the future.
Post # 12
I would ask the Missouri friend! And just stop talking to CA friend. If she doesn’t contact you (and it sounds like she won’t) you no longer have a problem!
Post # 13
She has always been a very negative person, even since we were little, so I’m not surprised she’s acting this way. I just wish she wouldn’t. I have decided to go with Heather instead and just explain to her that I feel it is unfair for me to ask her to take this position being so far away and that she can still be in my bridal party.
Post # 14
I’m not sure why the facts arenyou forcing you to dial her number and tell her where to go! This is supposed to be the a happiest day of your life, you want positive energy around you during your new union not some cynical woman whos already predicting the dismemberment of you’re marriage. go with your state bestie, for mentioned reasons and also you’ll have much easier time orchestrating everything! Good luck! x
Post # 15
You should just tell her that it is not working out with her being so far away.. And ask your state bestie..
She seems more reasonable as a Maid/Matron of Honor.. She obviously wants to be one, and is your confident..
It will be way easier to plan with someone who is near you and is willing to help..
Best of luck!
Post # 16
@lochnessy: Noticed this was five months ago. How did this work out?