How to tell my MOH NOT to throw a staggette of ANY sort?

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
1699 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

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twinkletoeskenzie :  All we’re saying is if you’re not willing to share your “good reasons” with the internet OR your sister, you’re stuck and there’s nothing more anyone can advise you to do.

If you told her your reasons and she’s still disrespecting your wishes literally the only thing you can do is not go to anything she plans or immediately leave. So you look like the bad guy. Oh well. Your choice is apparently to cry in the bathroom all night or look like a bitch…but crying in the bathroom all night would also make you look like a bitch. So there’s no winning.

The only other option is to head her off and plan something you DO want to do with your friends. Go to a museum, get your nails done, go to a play/movie – idk something you like doing. Since you’re not giving enough details, I’m gonna make the assumption you don’t want one because you have social anxiety or don’t like being the center of attention – a movie or a play solves that. You can’t talk, no one will be looking at you, everyone is focusing on the screen/stage then you can say goodbye and leave right afterwards. If you plan it, you’re in control and have the ability to minimize your discomfort. 

ETA: There is no magic line to get her to listen to you. If she was going to listen to you she would have already.

Post # 18
Member
8936 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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twinkletoeskenzie :  

  • I tried to tell her I don’t want one and she just doesn’t care. The only prayer I have of her not doing it is if my parents firmly say no, and they won’t.
  • Since she seems hellbent on having something, Bees advise you to warn all your friends and relatives that it’s against your wishes and you won’t be there.
  • Honestly, I’d like to do that. But then I’ll look like the bad guy and everyone will take her side

You can’t control her behavior. You can only control your own. You can’t stop her from inviting people to a party. You can tell people that you will not be at that party, and then not go to the party. If that makes you look like a bad guy, so be it. Your choice is either go to the party and cry in the bathroom, or don’t go and let people think you’re the bad guy. If these people know you so little that they think you’re the bad guy, A) why do you care what they think, and B) won’t they still think you’re the bad guy for hiding in the bathroom and not appreciating the party? If you’re going to be villainized either way, why not be villainized for doing the thing that you’re more comfortable with?  

Post # 19
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2021 - British Columbia, Canada

Straight up tell your friends and anyone that you think she would try and invite what’s going on. Your sister sounds like a b*tch, so give your friends a heads up. Then, if her inviting your friends and them refusing attend and reiterating to your sister that they’re not going to be shitty friends by forcing you into something you don’t want doesn’t get the message across, you and your friends simply don’t show up. Look at it as negative people are going to judge you for everything no matter what you do. Just do you, bee! This is about you and your day, not your sister. You have the power to say no and to refuse to allow your sister to hijack your happiness on your day.

Post # 20
Member
2260 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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twinkletoeskenzie :  Side note: how are you okay emotionally with a wedding + reception but not a casual congrats we love you dinner with friends/family? Hopefully you are in therapy for some of your social issues.

text some of the people you think she’d invite and tell them your reasons for not wanting any prewedding party and that if they get an invite to turn it down. They will understand. 

Post # 21
Member
1699 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

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twinkletoeskenzie :  Okay. There is no way to stop her from disrespecting your boundaries without making a scene.

There just isn’t. She doesn’t respect your boundaries because you don’t make her. Some people don’t listen to words, just actions. You’ve got to take a stand. If she ignores your wishes, you HAVE to make a scene. Just leave. She’ll be forced to take you more seriously next time. Establishing boundaries with people can be very uncomfortable, but it has to be done for your sanity. Words alone do not establish boundaries, you’ve got to back it up.

But trust me, people will forget. It’s not as big of a deal as you’re making it to just walk out. I’m not trying to belittle your feelings by saying that, but like…bachelorettes/hen parties/stagettes aren’t that big of a deal. No one is going to be saying omg remember how twinkletoeskenzie just walked out of her party last year? Your sister will be mad but if you make it clear to her beforehand that if she does something you’ll just leave…she brought it on herself. Establishing boundaries is tough stuff, and people will be unhappy about it – especially the people who are suddenly being forced to respect them.

Post # 23
Hostess
4173 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Why can’t you just say “no.” ?  It’s literally that easy. No. 

Post # 25
Hostess
4173 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

So? Everyone will see that she’s the one being a bitch. You just keep saying “no.” Stand up for yourself!! 

Post # 26
Member
1598 posts
Bumble bee

Why does she want to throw you a party?  

Post # 28
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Scotts ~ Walnut Creek

After these updates half the problem seems to be you. You allow your sister to pressure you into doing things or disregard what you want. Like pp said it really is as simple as no. Its also as simple as quietly leaving if she chooses to throw a party. No need for tears or dramatics.

And as another pp stated there is no magical line that will get through to her. At this point you either stand up for yourself or deal with the party. Now beyond this idk what to tell you.

Post # 29
Member
8936 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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twinkletoeskenzie :  “I tried that and she got mad and keeps talking about it.” — Ok, yeah but so what? Let her keep talking about it. Who cares? Let me say it again: 

You can not control her behavior. You can only control your own.

At this point I have to believe that you are choosing to focus on her behavior because that is easier than focusing on your own. You know what you need to do but don’t yet have the strength to do it. You keep asking “how can I make her do what I want?!?” as a way to avoid actually doing what you need to do yourself. Grow up, stand up for yourself, and stop caring what your sister talks about.

Post # 30
Member
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Grow a backbone and say no regardless of how she acts. She pitches a fit about things because she clearly knows that she will get her way if she pouts enough. What is she going to do, force you from your home and force shots down your throat? She cam complain all she wants. Just tell her no.

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