How to tell my MOH NOT to throw a staggette of ANY sort?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
5043 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

TBH OP, with your updates it sounds like you and your sister are both equally dramatic.

If she throws you a party you don’t want, you don’t cry in the bathroom you instead don’t go and give those invited a heads up that you won’t be attending. If she tries to get you to drink you, you just say no and ignore her tantrum. You cannot control others behaviours but you can control your response to it.

No magic line is going to get your sister to respect you wishes so now it’s up to you to find a path to navigate your response to it. You can cry in a bathroom or you can handle it like an adult. Your choice…. 

Post # 32
719 posts
Busy bee

If you have a candid, adult conversation with your sister that lays out the ground rules for the bachelorette instead of how you’ve approached it at present, I would think she’d get it. If she doesn’t, well, that’s pretty absurd. You both, frankly, sound a bit immature. It seems as though you’re throwing a bit of a hissy fit over the entire thing. If you really don’t want this whole situation to happen, as the other bees have told you, don’t go. Also, no one can force you to drink if you don’t want to. It’s a bit silly that you, at 25 years old, are apparently not aware of your own free will.

I also don’t understand why you are having her as your Maid/Matron of Honor if she’s not respectful of your preferences/lifestyle. Who cares if your parents want her to be? You’re not beholden to them even if they are fronting the bill for your wedding. 

Post # 33
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

View original reply
cmsgirl :  Agreed.

OP, you’re making this WAY harder than it needs to be. You are in control of your own actions. Short of physically tying you down and pouring a shot down your throat, she cannot make you drink. If you genuinely suspect that might happen, I’d be more worried about a restraining order than a party.

From your updates – you like drama, whether you want to admit it or not. You essentially vaguebooked; you were very mysterious and secretive about your “very good,” “very personal” reasons for not wanting this, fought when people asked for more details so they could better help you – which is what you were asking for. Then when people pretty much gave up on asking why you begrudgingly gave a response like it was bullied out of you…and your reason isn’t even that “personal” or difficult to deal with. Like, literally just tell her no, keep telling her no, and just…don’t drink or do anything else you don’t want to. It IS that simple. Be an adult about it, instead of a teenager, because right now you’re not acting like a 25 year old.

Post # 34
1917 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

just say no, thats it. If she drags it on, then just make sure to refuse to ever go out with her so she cant set you up, till you walk down the aisle. Problem solved. 

Post # 35
1524 posts
Bumble bee

Good lord. Just say you don’t want the damn party, tell everyone she could possibly invite via group text that you dont want any party, and don’t show up to any random outings planned by your sister in case you suspect it’s a surprise party.

So much drama for nothing.

Post # 36
414 posts
Helper bee

This sounds like a bunch of pointless pre-teen drama. There is ablolutely zero need to be making this into such a big deal. 

The previous posters have pretty much covered what you should do. Tell her and anyone who might be invited that you don’t want a party. If she throws one anyway, don’t go. Nobody can make you drink if you don’t want to, you just have to say no. Who cares if they say something afterwards?

It’s time to grow up and stand up for yourself. If you’re mature enough to be getting married then you’re mature enough to handle minor issues like this. There is no magic phrase for someone to tell you to say to her, you just have to hold your ground.

Post # 37
1362 posts
Bumble bee

You sister has power over you because you allow her to. Take away that power.

If you go to the bathroom to cry then that is your choice. You can choose respond in another way and that is to leave. If you find yourself in any social situation where you are not comfortable, depart.

Do text/ call or whatever you wish to let your friends know you sincerely do not want a party and if your sister contacts them they are free to go to whatever she arranges but you will not be there. If she surprises you with some event, stay standing and tell your guests that your sister planned this knowing explicitly you did not want it and that she should apologise for wasting their time and then you make your exit.

It is always best to follow words with actions. She does not appear to be listening to you so maybe she will believe your actions. If she learns she cannot manipulate you then she will stop trying. You have a lot of years ahead being sisters, best she learns sooner than later. Your parents should learn too if they are also condoning her behaviour. 


Post # 38
258 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
twinkletoeskenzie :  You’re an adult who is about to be married. Mom, dad, and sister cant force you to do anything you want to do. You make it clear you dont want a stag and then you dont show up when she plans one. That simple. You then tell your father that just because hes paying doesnt mean he gets to make this hell for you. I believe paying for your child’s wedding should be treated as a gift and they should still be giving the couple free reign to do with that money what they wish. But unfortunately, most parents do end up holding the wedding planning hostage and it becomes all about what they want instead of the couple. If it were me, I’d get married in a shack before I let myself be torn apart by someone else paying for my wedding. Stop acting like they are forcing you into anything when you’re letting them hold that money over your head and control you.

Post # 39
1183 posts
Bumble bee

OP, if you’re old enough to be married, you’re old enough not to cave into peer pressure, for crying out loud. This isn’t high school.

I think PP asked how old you are because, honestly, your perspectives and responses here illustrate only immaturity. You’ve shot down all of the advice everyone provided you, so what can anyone say? We have to shrug because you won’t hear that you’re acting childishly and can EASILY (yes, it truly is easy) say no when someone peer pressures you into drinking or smoking or sex or whatever else. Geez, I tell my prepubescent students this stuff. 

Why do you need your parents to say no for you?? If you’re an adult, act like one. Right now, you’re not. 

Post # 40
5250 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

You don’t want to go out for a girls dinner for “personal reasons”?

I honestly can’t even imagine what the reasons for that be.

That aside it doesn’t even sound like you have explicitly told your sister you don’t want to do anything. Your sister isn’t wrong for trying to plan something if she doesn’t know how strongly you feel about it, you need to grow up and tell her.

Post # 41
666 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: London, UK

From the little information I have about your sister (she tries to pressure you into drinking alcohol when you don’t want to and then makes fun of you for it afterwards) she sounds like a horrible bully.

However I think you need to remember that a hen do (stagette, whatever you want to call it) doesn’t have to be a crazy night out. If you’re happy to have a wedding and reception, presumably you like social gatherings. Why not discuss with your sister just having a movie night in or dinner out or a takeaway with your closest friends?

But to be honest your sister does sound awful and if she’s as bad as you’ve made out and is as unkind to you as you’ve made out then I don’t know why she wants to throw you a party OR why you’ve decided she’s your maid of honor. That role is for someone close to you and, preferably, nice to you.

Post # 42
7995 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

This is so not a big deal. If your sister throws you a party, why wouldn’t you just leave instead of crying in the bathroom? Why not just say “no” to doing tequila shots? I agree with pps that it sounds like you enjoy the drama. 

It sounds like you’ve already gotten railroaded by your family into having this wedding, time to grow a backbone and stand up for yourself. 

Post # 43
1149 posts
Bumble bee

I would simply mass email all friends and family who MIGHT get invited and say “Hi All, I look forward to seeing you at our wedding! Also I am not and most definitely will not be having or attending a staggette or any kind of pre-celebrations. Can’t wait to see you at the wedding!”

she can invite anyone she wants and they can come if they want. You’ve told them you’re not having one so you get to walk out if she planned a “surprise” party.

Post # 44
907 posts
Busy bee

Say no and don’t show up if she invites you to one. Do you have other bridesmaids? Reiterate with them that you don’t want one.

Whatever your reasons are and no matter how much of a bully she seems to be, I’m sure she’s just doing it becuase she’s excited for you.

Post # 45
344 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
twinkletoeskenzie :  Hey Bee, I’m sorry that people are being harsh with you. I don’t really think that’s fair. I don’t know if you’re going to come back and read any more replies, but in case you do, here’s mine.

It sounds like you’re really being bullied by your family – first your parents insisting that your sister be in the bridal party you didn’t want, and now your sister insisting that you have a bachelorette. In this case I don’t think it really matters what your reasons are (maybe you just don’t want your sister meeting your friends). You don’t want a bachelorette, and that’s your choice.

Your sister’s comment about making you do tequila shots is pretty appalling. I think a lot of the commenters would feel differently if it was someone’s fiance saying that, but I digress.

I agree that the best thing to do is to reach out to your friends and tell then not to mind your crazy sister, you had asked her not to plan anything but she isn’t respecting you. Generally people understand family drama. If they’re truly your friends, they will respect your wishes even if your sister doesn’t.

If you want to say something to your siater, you can inform her there will not be a bachelorette party, you won’t attend, and you’ve informed your friends not to pay attention to her. When she gets upset, just say “I’m sorry you feel that way” as many times as necessary.

While I do think you need to “grow a backbone” I also think it’s easier said than done. This is something I’ve had to learn to understand, because I’m the type of person to just say what I think and not let people boundary stomp me. But not everyone is naturally like that. It takes practice, and this can be a great place to start.

Good luck!

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