Post # 1
hi all, I’m new here and this seems like a lovely community!
Long story short, Fiance and I are doing a courthouse wedding and will do a traditional wedding about a year from now.
However, when we do the wedding in a year, my Fiance and I have already mutually agreed to not invite my mothers boyfriend, who is my Fiance’s friend. This is because my moms boyfriend was my abuser for the greater part of a decade. My mom however refuses to believe this. It has a way of coming up (about 4 times in the past year) and her asking about it, and me telling her, and her then refusing to continue the conversation. Her boyfriend has a way of manipulating quite literally everyone around him. He’s abused more than just me, both kids and adults, and sometimes physically, and those people have all forgiven him, forgot (It seems), and acts as though I’m exaggerating or making things up (Which is his strategy.)
The only ones who know what I say about him is true, are only the ones who have witnessed those things, but didn’t stick close to him long enough to get sucked in. We don’t plan on announcing any of our wedding plans quite yet, let alone starting a formal planning process. But this is a heavy subject between me and my mom. My whole life, she and I have always got along about everything, but anytime her boyfriend is involved (Or he doesn’t like something I do) I’m suddenly the issue tearing our family apart. I really need time to think about how to broach this subject with her, but I truly don’t know the way to do it. Do we simply send her an invite without a plus 1? or do I formally tell her? Or casually mention it? In my experience, where her boyfriend is involved, it won’t matter how it’s approached because when there’s nothing else to blame its always my “Tone of voice’ (Which is the voice I speak in all the time and since moving out, nobody has ever had an issue with…) but I truly don’t know how to cushion the blow. Part of me feels that if she’s willing to bring up my issues with her boyfriend but not discuss them, maybe I should do the same and not give her a +1 and when she asks simply say he’s not invited?
I’m sure many of you might think this is something that could only be advised on if you know the people involved, but if it was, I’d proably have a shell of an idea how to tell her, but I don’t. So any advice is truly appreciated….
Post # 2
sunnyday130 : It’s odd that you say the two of you are close, yet she doesn’t believe you.
I think you should tell her ahead of time, and then be prepared for her to not come. It’s a shame she’s chosen to believe him over her daughter. But your life will be healthier without him (and possibly her) in it at all.
Sorry you’re going through this!
Post # 3
If it was me, I would send out her invitation with her name only, and then call her a day or two after she’s received it and clarify that she is the only one invited, and that he is not invited nor welcome. If she pitches a fit, I would calmly explain “you can believe whatever you want but I know the truth. He is not invited”. And if she threatens not to come, I’d say okay. Not sure if that’s a concern of yours but don’t let her guilt trip you into inviting the both of them.
But yeah, I’d basically not tell her until invites. Then you have less time to put up with any push back you might get from her.
I’m sorry this is something you have to worry about, bee. It sounds like your fiance and others are extremely supportive – just remember they’re on your side <3
Post # 4
I’m so sorry for what you have been through,big hugs. Regarding the issue at hand,well,I gotta be honest and say that I wouldn’t invite either of them. If my own mother did not believe my abuse then I’d be cutting ties period
Post # 5
anthonyswife : Yeah, I figured people would think it’s odd. We are close. He’s the single thing that makes us not close. When she first introduced us to him as kids, I had a talk with her to ask all my questions. My main concern was that he wouldn’t turn her into “One of the bad moms in movies” and that she would only pick him over me when it was truly my fault. She promised me she would never let any of that happened, but after about 10 years, she went from defending me, sticking up for me and slowly devolved into her saying everything he said about me. How my tone made me a b**** even if what I said wasnt remotely rude, and is in fact, my true voice all the time which I can’t change (Believe me, I’ve tried.) Suddenly every issue he had with me was my fault. She and I went from being able to resolve petty arguments by the time we went to bed with a simple hug and a “I’m sorry, I love you”, to weeks or month long fueds over salt shakers and nearly getting kicked out over him stealing my movie simply because he wanted it. I’m still close to her, and can actually understand her inability to see his actions, because I didn’t see them myself until I moved out, went back for a bit and realized my tone was not rude nor my words, but she still sided with him. I really think if she left him, she’d see what Im talking about. Because after being told for the 2nd half of my life that I was crazy, insane, mean, and needed anger management, I truly believed it eventually. Until I moved and realized the single person who ever had an issue was him. I don’t hold it against her, and thats why I say we’re close. Because we absolutely are, as long as the subject of her boyfriend doesn’t enter our conversations…
Thank you for your advice <3 I appreciate it.
Post # 6
“my Fiance and I have already mutually agreed to not invite my mothers boyfriend, who is my Fiance’s friend.”
Wait, so your abuser is not just your mom’s bf, he’s also your fiance’s friend? am I understanding this correctly?
Post # 7
Hell yes, this slipped my notice until you brought it up ……………a pretty significant question !
Post # 8
sunnyday130 : I’m sorry bee. What a terrible situation. I’m confused From reading your post it says your fiancé us friends with this guy? Is he still friends or was he a friend until he found out about the abuse you suffered at the hands of this guy?
I’d tell your mum that her boyfriend isn’t invited in person. I’d also be prepared for her not to come. She’s picked her boyfriend over her child before. I wouldn’t be shocked if she did it again. I’m appalled honestly that a mother would not take her child’s word as truth. Your job as a parent is to protect your child from harm and not invite it vibto their life. Are you sure you really want to keep a relationship open with your mother? Is it in your best interests to do so?
Sorry bee xx
Post # 9
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Why is your fiance friends with your abuser?
Anyway, if she always goes on about your “tone of voice” then don’t tell her verbally. Personally I would send her an e-mail just prior to sending invitations out, with a read receipt on it so you know she’s read it, stating that her boyfriend will not be invited to your wedding as he abused you for xx years. If she kicks off about it, which I would expect she will, don’t engage. Say “I am not discussing this with you,” then walk away, hang up the phone, whatever, but leave the situation. If she says “I’m not coming unless he’s invited” then say “We will miss you, but the choice is yours,” and don’t engage. I presume that NOT having him there is more important to you than having her there? Because I am 99% sure that she will say that.
Post # 10
Why the hell are you okay with your fiancé being friends with this guy? That seems like a bigger deal than the wedding.
If he has abused you and several other people you need to go to the police.
Post # 11
Not odd at all. Tragic, but not odd. Far, far too many women turn a blind eye to the abuse of their own children to hold onto their “men”.
CPS has reams of case files on this very topic.
Denial is a powerful thing.