How to tell my step dad I don't want him at my wedding!?

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1247 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Do your step sisters know that he molested you? Because I feel any reasonable person would understand why your step father shouldn’t be at your wedding. 

Post # 3
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
diamondaries :  I don’t think you should have to tell him at all(or have any contact with him ever again for the rest of your life from this point forward, tbh). If your mom is such a coward that she cannot tell him she will be attending without him, politely inform her that if she shows up with him, that you will have him forcefully escorted out of the venue. Have someone checking people in at the door so that they can turn him away before he even gets in so that you won’t have to even see it go down, worst case scenario.

 

Hopefully threatening her with being embarrassed in front of everyone will force her to have the conversation with him. It seems like it’s gonna take her having skin in the game to actually stand up for you—as if she doesn’t, it will adversely affect her as well this time.

 

if I were you, I’m not sure I’d want her there either, tbh.

Post # 4
Member
9105 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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diamondaries :  You don’t have to break any news to him and to be perfectly honest, the way your mom feels, I would not invite her either. I am so sorry for what you went through and for the second kick in the gut of having your mom choose to stay with and defend the man who abused you. How awful. How could he even expect an invitation? He is delusional and ballsy AF. 

Post # 5
Member
10541 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

 You posted this a week ago…what was wrong with the advice you got in that thread?

Post # 6
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Forgive and forget? Fuck that noise. Not gonna lie, I dont know if I’d even have a relationship with my mother if she stayed married to someone who molested me.

I have two daughters, and if any man laid a hand on them, I’d be in jail. 

Bee I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. The fact that your Mom isnt backing you up, says alot.

You do NOT have to invite this man to your wedding. He does not deserve that honor. 

Post # 7
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee

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hikingbride :  I think the slight difference is last week, she wanted to know if she was wrong for not wanting him there. This time, she wants advice on how to actually break it to her immediate family that he isn’t invited.

 

Im just glad she’s decided to proceed with having a wedding and is 100% not inviting him 🤗

Post # 8
Member
7707 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Your mother is as bad as he is. Any woman who would choose some damn man over the safety and security of her own child is no mother at all. There are alley cats who are better mums than that.

So how should you tell him? Don’t. Just don’t send the invitation to him or your mum. And let his daughters do what they will. 

Post # 9
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

Eww. And eww at your fucking mom, too. She’s almost just as bad, continuing to stand by him and not you. I’m sorry, I’d send him a fucking email that he is not invited and not to show up. And I’d fucking forward it to her, too. I’d go ahead and say a lot of shit DURING THE TOAST if they think he’s going to drop in and won’t be turned away.

Post # 10
Member
11385 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Sadly, this is pretty common reaction from family. Family is like any system, it protects itself. That’s what your mom and step sisters are doing. They’re choosing that over what is right. 

 that is a horrible betrayal of you. 

I agree with PP that you don’t need to talk to this man or anyone else about what you want. Tell your mom the rules and have security to enforce them.

you deserve to honor yourself and your feelings. Don’t let these people make you feel like you’re the problem. You’re not.  

Post # 12
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

View original reply
diamondaries :  My friend was in a similar situation. She did not invite her stepdad, and her mother and siblings ended up coming to the wedding anyway. She was able to have a great day surrounded by the people who truly love and support her, so don’t question your decision. You’re definitely doing the right thing.

Also, it’s not your job to inform your stepdad he won’t be invited. Simply send an invitation to your mom and let her know that if he shows up he will be turned away at the door. And then get some security/bouncers to keep him out. You don’t need to compromise even a little bit in this situation. You deserve to feel safe in all areas of your life.

Post # 13
Member
9162 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
diamondaries :  I said this in your last thread. Please go and get help from a professional especially inregards to your relationship with your mother. It is completely unacceptable and unhealthy what she is continuing to do to you. Telling you that you need to confront your abuser and explain to him why he is not invited to your wedding is so far beyond unacceptable. It is damaging to you and someone thst loved and supported you would not put you through that.

Please consider what bees are saying. I know it is hard and scary to realise that the person we love is actually doing us harm but that is exactly what your mother is doing. 

Also how old are your step sisters? I would be concerned that they went through the same thing as you.

Post # 14
Member
9396 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

Agree with bees you should hire a bouncer. Having your abuser show up at your wedding is not something you want. They will also be on hand to remove your step sisters should they cause a scene.

Honestly, it’s disgusting they and even more disgusting that your mum would even consider blaming you for not forgetting and much less forgiving your abuse. Absolutely disgusting. 

Bee I hope your marriage gives you the love and support you deserve.  I hope your new family is worthy of you in every way your old family is not.

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