How to tell my step dad I don't want him at my wedding!?

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee

Some things are unforgivable and this is one of them. Forgive and forget my #$%^. No way he comes to the wedding. That you still have a relationship with the mother who stood (and still stands) by the man who abused her child is in itself astounding and that she wants you to have a relationship with this man is appalling.

No, it is not on you. Make it clear to her that she can inform her husband that he is not wanted and will be physically escorted off the premises if he shows up and everyone will see this happen. If you feel that your half sisters will make a scene (and obviously you don’t need that on your special day)  then maybe they should be informed of your decision in advance so that they can withdraw from attending and thus let you have a stress free wedding where you are surrounded by people who care about you and what makes you happy. 

As PP has said, I hope your new family gives you all the love and respect you deserve.

Post # 17
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

You address the invite to your mother only. She should be grateful she’s even getting one. You have security at the door to turn him away if he tries to come. You do not need to break the news or justify yourself to these people. They know why he’s not invited. Too bad, he should consider himself lucky that he’s not in jail where he should be. 

Post # 18
Member
1635 posts
Bumble bee

My brain cannot comprehend how your own mother, who knows what he did to you, is still sleeping with and living with this man and expects you to even say two words to him let alone tell him shit about your wedding.

Your mom is a co-conspirator in this abuse to this day. Unforgivable doesn’t even begin to describe it.

Post # 19
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

It isn’t on you to issue anti-invitations to rapists. It is on rapists (and everyone) to not show up where they aren’t invited. Don’t invite him, don’t talk to him, and hire security. 

Post # 20
Member
9164 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
diamondaries :  I say this with kindness, please stop discussing this with your mother. The person you should be speaking to about going to therapy is your future husband. Your mother is part of the problem and talking about this with her is only giving her an avenue to further influence you and your thoughts about this terrible terrible thing that happened to you. Your mother is not your ally and you need to stop thinking that she is.

Please get into therapy and please lean on your partner. You shouldn’t go through this alone but you are currently relying on the wrong people to support you (aka your mother) because they are implicit in what is continuely being done to you.

Post # 21
Member
6172 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

View original reply
j_jaye :  this!!

You need therapy AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

stop talking to your mother about this, she is a huge part of the problem and is a passive enabler to her husband’s sexual abuse of you as a child. 

I wouldn’t invite any of them to my wedding , not my mother, step father, or step sisters. Get some professional help for yourself as soon as possible. No one on the internet can help you like a professional can. Good luck.

Post # 22
Member
5147 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t know why you are still speaking to your mother, let alone expecting her to comfort you. Your stepfather is sick in the head, but she is complicit in his acts, and she was the one who was supposed to protect you.

Post # 23
Member
7709 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Why would you want to get therapy to repair any relationship with your mother? Get therapy for youself, of course, but your mum has made her decision, and she chose the man who abused you. It boggles the mind that you want to maintain any sort of relationship with her. Will you allow her to pressure you into allowing your own children (should you choose to have any) to stay with her and your abuser? I just cannot fathom what there is to repair here. She is harboring a criminal and you’re wondering how to be closer with her?

Post # 24
Member
7362 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Um if I were you I wouldn’t be inviting stepdad OR mom to my wedding. It’s absolutely disgusting that she would still be with the man who molested her daughter. There is no amount of love that could make me maintain a relationship with a woman who knowingly stays with the person who assulted her child.

Post # 25
Member
11297 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
diamondaries :  

Oh, dear gawd.  I detest women like your mother with every fiber of my being.

How would you feel most comfortable telling the pedophile you don’t want his disgusting presence contaminating your special day?  Think about your feelings, not his and not your mother’s.  You owe them nothing.  A simple email will do quite nicely.

Pedophile,

Due to our history, you will not be receiving an invitation to my wedding.

You need not explain yourself.  Let your “mother” handle him.  She made her choice.  Now she can live with the consequences.

If you feel the need to confront him in person, have your fiancé with you, for support.  If he can’t resist beating the crap out of the pedophile, so much the better.

Just remember, these people breached your trust in the worst way possible.  You owe them nothing.

If you think there could be an issue, hire security.  Preferably armed.  Heavily.

Post # 26
Member
11297 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
chocolateplease :  

Unfortunately, this is not uncommon.  Plenty of women have stood by their horrible, abusive “men” as CPS drives away with their precious children.

Post # 27
Member
11297 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
diamondaries :  

I think it may be safer to say that your sisters don’t have any recollection of being molested.  Although pedophiles do tend to have preferences as to age groups.

The Bees are right.  Stop trying to fix things with your mother.  It isn’t possible.  You can’t undo what she has done—she failed to protect you when you were at your most vulnerable.  She failed to do what a complete stranger would have done.

Therapy for you is the right thing to do.  It’s time to work on separating from your “mother”.  And processing what happened to you.  Let your fiancé support you, your “mother” cannot give you the love you so desperately seek.  She’s broken and you can’t fix her, Bee.

Post # 28
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
diamondaries :  I’m sorry for saying this, but your mom sounds like a P.O.S. and your step dad is a monster. I wouldn’t invite either one of them. 

Post # 29
Member
396 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
diamondaries :  Your mom wants you to break it to him because she’s still a coward.  She was a coward when you were 7 and she chose to keep him in your life and she is a coward now.  I’d point this out to her and not invite either of them.

Post # 30
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2020 - New York, New York

In my experience, no matter what decision you make planning a wedding, you’re going to upset someone. Not allowing kids at the reception? Someone with kids gets pissed. Some people get mad if you serve alcohol at the reception, other people get upset if you have a dry wedding. Try not to let all of this bother you and just enjoy being engaged! Your stepsisters aren’t getting married, it’s YOUR wedding. You should be able to do what you want! Your wedding should be one of the happiest days of your life, and if your stepdad is going to put a damper on your big day, then you definitely shouldn’t invite him (especially after everything he’s put you through). You have a very legitimate reason for excluding him, and if I was in your shoes, I wouldn’t invite him either. 

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