Post # 1
I am 21 years old and I have been dating my boyfriend, who is also 21, for over 5 years. I am in college so I have lived on my own before, but I am in the process of transferring universities so I am forced to live at home at this time. My mother has always been very controlling about my relationship with my boyfriend, but since I turned 21 and have experienced living on my own I feel more like an adult and that I should be treated like one. The big topic is me spending the night with my boyfriend, I feel as though I’m old enough to make my own decisions about my relationship. I know she may be worried about us having sex or me getting pregnant, but I am very smart about that aspect of my life and she is aware we have sex. Also, it’s not as if she doesn’t know him and that he is just some guy I’m casually dating. Don’t know how to really bring this up to her without her getting mad. Help!
Post # 3
You’re an adult. I would just say that you appreciate her being concerned for you and know she cares about your well being. Maybe tell her something like.. you are an adult and while you very much appreciate her concerns for you well being, you are going to make your own decisions and there are certain aspects of your life that are only your buisness, no one elses. She may get mad, but sometimes it’s you have to have those hard conversatons with Mom to have her see that you are an adult and able to stand on your own two feet.
Unless he’s sleeping over with you at her house… then well, her house her rules and you should respect that. Not respecting her home surely won’t show her you’re an adult.
I went through a very similar situation. I feel your frustration. :
Post # 4
Eh, while you’re living with your parents it may be tricky, but I certainly don’t think a 21 year old needs a curfew or told where they can and cannot go. Your parents do have a say on who is over at their house – so I wouldn’t fuss if they don’t want him over.
Tell them you’ve listened to their concerns, but you need to make your own decisions. It’s not as though you are disregarding them, but you are just choosing options you think are best – and that means choosing to date this boyfriend and spend time with him.
They might throw a fit, and if so, just live with it. If they are being unreasonably controlling, just bite the bullet and do what you want. Granted, there are consequences of a strained relationship, or even of them inviting you to move out, so you need to be willing to face it.
This is coming from someone whose parents hated her boyfriend before even meeting him because it was a a very long distance relationship. They threw a fit about him staying at my flat. I held my ground despite my parents threatening to cut me off financially while I was in school and dependent on them (and they did cancel my credit card). In the end it paid off, and they realized I wasn’t making horrible decisions and could handle myself. Their threats were bluffs, and now we get along great and they love my SO.
Post # 5
Although you may be 21 and legally are an adult, if you’re currently living with and are still being supported financially by your parents, I think you need to respect and honor their rules while you are living under their roof. Although they may not have a say in what happens while you are out on dates, I don’t think its unreasonable for them to expect you to come home (alone) at the end of the evening so that your parents do not need to wonder if and when you are coming home and/or where you are.
Post # 7
Unfortunately, when your parents are supporting you and you’re still living with them, you need to abide by their rules. Try having an open and honest conversation with your mother, but if she doesn’t see it your way, you might have to deal with her rules until you can afford to support yourself.
Post # 8
Since you are currently living at home, I’d say just live by the house rules until you can move out and support yourself. You show them you are an adult by being self sufficient and supporting your own life. Unless you are paying them rent, I agree with the “their house , their rules” statement.
Post # 9
Agreed with PP–their house, their rules. It has nothing to do with how old you are–I’m 37 and when I go to my mother’s house, I abide by whatever rules she might have. Likewise, when she comes to mine, she abides by the rules of my house.
Post # 10
Her house, her rules. If you don’t like it then you know what the option is!
Post # 11
Wow (her house= her rules)
Post # 12
@cellarxdoor: Her house, her rules. I had to go home briefly when I was around your age, and I had to follow the rules. Meaning that I came home everynight regardless of what I wanted to do, and there was a curfew etc. If you are an adult than you can move out and make your own rules.
ETA: You cannot expect to have the luxuries of living like a child but the benefits of living like an adult. Thats what my mom used to tell me. And it’s true.
Post # 13
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@cellarxdoor: I feel your pain, my relationship with my parents has been best since I’ve moved out. Although, they do start treating you like an adult when you act like one. At 21 years old I honestly wouldn’t even tell them that you’re spending the night at your boyfriends/FIs, you’re not 17. And they DEFINITELY don’t need to be worrying about your birth control usage or lack thereof!
Post # 14
@mchitt329: I have to kind of disagree a bit : if my daughter was still depending on me for financial support and living in my house still I would most definitely be concerned about her BC use or lack thereof. If she were to get pregnant, more than likely it would also fall on me to help support that child since my child wouldn’t even be able to support herself at that point, obviously since she would still be under my roof.
Post # 15
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@stardustintheeyes: I can see that, but at that point if I were the mom I’d be like “good luck get the hell outta my house!” You’re not obligated to care for a grandchild because the mother lives in your house, nor are you obligated to continue letting your child live in your house past the age of 18.
I’ve never discussedd BC with my parents, so maybe that’s just my experience but I would be disgusted if they tried to talk to me about it now. That’s personal when you’re an adult. But… adults normally don’t live with their parents IMO!
Post # 16
You don’t tell them. You move out and depend on yourself (not them) for everyday living expenses. Then you can show them you are an adult.