(Closed) How to tell parents their baby is not invited to wedding?

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Could you say that you are at capacity for the venue? I would use that as an excuse?

Post # 4
Hostess
3381 posts
Sugar bee

@kellmerr:  I don’t think a baby would change the capacity.  It’s a baby!

I don’t think you can have children but not babies. Where’s the cut off?  2?  From my experience toddlers are far noisier than little babies if that’s your concern.  And, a 7 month old could still be breast feeding at that point (I can’t remember what current weaning guidlines are but plenty of children are breastfed until 12 months).

That said, if you really don’t want them there. You speak to them and say you’re not having any children under X age at your wedding, and that you’re sorry if they can’t make it.  Because in reality, they may not be able to leave the baby at this point.

Also: How are Mr and Mrs going to feel when they realise that every child other than their child has been invited? 

Post # 6
Hostess
3381 posts
Sugar bee

@Starr16:  I appreciate that completely.  Could you make sure that an usher places them at the back, and MAKES them leave if it starts bawling?

Post # 7
Member
8116 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Starr16:  I think it would be pretty rude to say to one family that their child wasn’t invited when everyone elses is!

Post # 8
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Curious how this ended up on the FULL FIGURED BOARD.

— — —

At any rate…

I suggest that you check in with the ETIQUETTE BOARD, as this is a very common Question that has been asked and answered many times there in the past.

 

Post # 10
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Starr16:  If not inviting the baby isn’t an option, I would suggest having a quiet talk with your friend explaining that if the baby makes noises, an usher will escort her somewhere (side room? outside?) until the baby is quiet (should be unecessary, but from the way you described her, who knows). 

Post # 11
Member
7872 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@j_jaye: (Old comment removed, I misread something). Oh I see, you’re inviting other children but not this baby… sorry, that’s kind of rude, you can’t really do that. And 4 year olds are much more trouble than a 7 month old!

I think you should talk to them about what happened at Easter and insist they one of the parents sits with the baby in the cry room, if the church has one. (A church cry room typically has speakers and a window so adults can see and hear what’s happening).

Post # 12
Member
3645 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Why do you not want the baby at the wedding? Is it in case it cries during the ceremony? If so, I would call them up and directly say that you are worried about it crying during the ceremony and would they mind not bringing it to the ceremony but they are welcome to bring it to the reception if they wish?

How old are the other children who are coming? They are just as likely to cry if they are younger than say 5. However, if the other children are all older then I can understand why this is the only child you have a problem with. 

If they want it with them it’s not up to you to hire a babysitter. But if they attend without the baby (as per your wishes) and then see all these other young kids running around, they are going to be upset (understandably). 

Post # 13
Member
3645 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Sorry, just saw the updates and such which must have come as I was writing:

I do think that you should do what I suggested, say that they are welcome to bring the child to the reception but not to the ceremony in case it cries. Just be up front about it. It doesn’t sound like you are that close with the couple or like them that much so if in the end they decide not to attend at all it’s not that big of a deal. 

 

Post # 14
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@ladyartichoke- I am well aware of what a baby is.Capacity refers to the amount of people allowed into a building.If has nothing to do with age…Op just be honest and let your friend know that you are concerned.

Post # 15
Member
7872 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

On second thoughts… here’s the problem, the couple already has a track record of being rude, letting their baby cry through church at Easter without taking him or her out. In that case, I think a little rudeness in return is ok. Tell them their baby can’t come because you’ve heard babies scream all thorugh church before (no need to mention theirs directly). Then if they come and see the 4 year old there and get offended… well bad luck, it’s their fault for letting their baby scream at Easter.

Alternatively, they might compromise and keep baby out the back during the ceremony. I would insist on that at a minimum. But I would stick my heels in: no babies, because of the crying issue. If she argues with you, then and only then mention that at Easter it was HER baby crying.

Post # 16
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO Tickles:  – Actually the B&G hiring a Babysitter for Weddings where Children ARE NOT invited is pretty common… and a nice thing to do (etiquette wise).  Not necessary, but still nice.

Where this plan goes off the rails, is as the Other Bees has noted so far, this is a situation where ONE child is being singled out from the others in attendance.

It is one thing to say ADULT RECEPTION… but quite another to say “EVERYONE ELSE BUT YOUR KID”

Altho to be honest, it seems to me based on the OPs recent UPDATE that the primary problem here is her concerns about the Ceremony and not the Reception (wailing child).

Sadly, there is no “correct” way to do this at all from an Etiquette POV… Churches are PUBLIC BUILDINGS meant to be welcoming TO ALL.

The only “get around” is for the Bride to have a chat with the Parents about what is expected of them from a “Considerate Guest” perspective… and as a back-up plan assign someone to MAKE SURE that if this child is disruptive, that the Parent’s need to remove the child (be that an Usher WHO ensures this family is seated at the back… or something more severe, such as the Officiant stopping the Ceremony until the offending noise stops)

Honestly, it is a tough call… and sadly there are Parents who think their children are “charming” no matter the setting or circumstances.

EDIT TO ADD – See that while I was Drafting this reply that paula1248 has also chimed in… we are pretty much in agreement on how to handle any “necessary” chat with the Parents regarding the Invite… in this situation.

 

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