Post # 1
So Fiance are getting ready to send out save the dates and are putting together our guest list of who we want to invite. From the beginning of planning, we knew we wanted a smaller wedding with about 150 people. Our parents have not been very happy with this choice as they want to invite a ton of extended family and friends.
After reading tons of threads on the bee where family members try to add extra people, we have decided just to make the guest list of those who are nearest and dearest to us without much input from our parents.
Now that we need addresses for save the dates, how do we go about telling our parents who’s invited? We are expecting tantrums once our parents realize who didn’t make the cut. We don’t want to be rude to our parents but we definitely want to be firm on our choices for the guest list.
Post # 2
Are you guys paying for it all? That definitely helps!
For us, we gave each set of parents a small number of invites (4) they could use on people we didn’t know like friends. It’s worked out well. If their extended family or friends had been close to us, they already received an invite.
Post # 3
If you need to ask your parents about some guests addresses I guess they’ll discover soon who’s invited and who’s not.
Most people will ask you if your parents will be helping by paying the wedding or a part of it because it’s a tradition to let parents invite some people they want if they’re contributing monetarily but as I don’t follow that kind of logic (I believe parents’ help for the wedding should be simply seen as a gift to their child and not a way of making you feel like you should invite so and so or do things a certain way) but I say go with whatever you and your fiance want to do because it’s your wedding, no one else’s.
Post # 4
Honestly the best way is to just give them a copy of the list. I know it’s probably easier said than done but just say you know not everyone they want to attend is on this list but you want them to know who you did and not invite in case in comes up in coversation.
My mom had a huge issue with this and was still petitioning for certain friends of hers to get an invite when we got others who RSVP’d no – I’m usually a push over in these situations but I had to put my foot down because I didn’t want a room full of people who I couldn’t even recall having a decent conversation with.
Post # 5
Our parents are paying for the majority of the wedding. However their contributions really only cover a wedding for 150ish people, not a 200 plus affair.
Mainly my Fiance and I don’t want a bunch of people at our wedding that we don’t know that well. I think we are expecting major push back from his parents since his sister got married a couple of years ago and had a huge 300 person wedding. And I feel like they want to invite all the same guests. But their half of his sisters wedding would be our entire guest list!
Post # 6
I don’t get why parents want to invite their friends. Oh hey, kids. Lets invite people you either don’t know, or have made you uncomfortable all your life!
Don’t invite their friends. It’s your wedding. It should be people you care about there.
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
If they are paying for the majority I would give them a copy of the guest list. If they want to add people then they are welcome to pay more for them. Personally, the general view here regarding parents that pay having a say is bs to me. Partly bc its not the parents wedding so the guests should be those nearest and dearest to the couple, mainly bc my parents have always been cheerful givers who would never attach strings to their generosity. However, since that doesn’t seem to be the societal norm to keep the peace I would give them a copy of the list and go from there. Or if possible pay for the entire wedding yourselves and avoid this situation.
Post # 8
I would give them the list and have prepared a rough estimate of how much per person the reception is costing. If they mention why so-and-so isn’t invited tell them that the budget simply doesn’t allow for it. I wouldn’t, however, use the argument that you want a small, intimate, wedding since 150 is definitely not small or intimate. It may be smaller than you’re family is used to.. But still not small. I do think that if they’re paying for the majority of it that they get a large say of who is invited. It might seem silly to have someone there you’ve never met, but if your parents are hosting then they get the final say. Maybe sit down and determine among yourselves the percentage of guests you each get in invite.
Post # 9
If they are paying, they get a say on the guest list, its that simple. We had our core list, showed it to the parents, and then they added people that they wanted included as well because they were helping pay.
Post # 10
I wish I had a suggestion. Even though DH and I paid for our entire wedding, my Father-In-Law instisted on inviting about 15 of his friends that we didn’t know (we only had 100 people there so it was a good chunk of our list). It was very upsetting at the time as we really didn’t want strangers there but it would have caused so much drama and upset with Father-In-Law, we just went with it. On the day I didn’t notice they were there other than saying hello to them during the receiving line. So it ended up not being a big deal.
Post # 11
Honestly, if they’re paying for the majority of the wedding, I think they should have a say in the majority of the guest list. Also, if you’re going to break it down and say “they’re only paying for 150” then technically they should get to choose those 150. Do you see where I’m going here?
I would consider at least asking for their input and having a conversation rather than just sending out STDs.
Post # 12
Yes, this is exactly my thoughts as well! It’s not necessarily about the money to invite extra people, its more about my hopes for my wedding is to have all the people who love and support me and my Fiance there. Not for my parents to get together and have a party with their friends.
Post # 14
My fiance’s mom wanted to invite a ton of her extended family to our small destination wedding. My fiance and I made our guest list, we argued over it but we were finally happy with it. I made the mistake of emailing the excel spreadsheet to him for addresses because he just forwarded it to his mom who had it for over a month and returned it back to me with tons of additional people. I would not send them the guest list if you think they’ll throw a fit. I really thought my side was going to be the ones giving me issues with the guest list so I tried to get as many people’s addresses as I could on my own and anyone who I didn’t have I just emailed my mom and aunt and said “I need the below people’s addresses” and just listed the people so they never saw the entire list.
Post # 15
I appreciate all of the responses! I definitely don’t want to be a brat to our parents, and I definitely appreciate their generosity.
To give a bit more info, basically how we determined the guest list is we took 150, and gave 50 to my parents, 50 to his parents, and kept 50 for ourselves. So I think we are being fair to everyone. It’s just that for example, we gave FI’s family 50 invites but his parents want to invite 150 people alone.
Also, just curious to everyone who thinks our parents think they should have control of the guest list since they are paying, do you think it’s fair that I cut my best friends from the guest list to accommodate my moms great aunt or my FMIL’s bingo buddies?