Post # 1
Hi bees! Please help – we’re planning a small (about 30 people, close friends and family only) destination wedding next year. How do I go about talking about it when people are NOT invited? Do I come straight out and say they’re not, in a subtle nice way, or just not mention it?
People have started asking how plans are going, and it feels awkward to discuss it with people who won’t be there because I can’t tell if they have assumed they’re coming. I didn’t think it would be a problem until a friend of mine (not a close friend, or she would be there, obviously!) said to a mutual friend who is my Bridesmaid or Best Man, that she would have to buy a dress for it next year. Crap!! She doesn’t need to buy a dress cuz she ain’t coming! and then another friend started asking me last week ‘so where’s my invitation then?’ – again, he isn’t coming! he was kind of joking I think, but I don’t know. now I’m feeling all stressed and worried about it, and dreading it coming up in conversation again – please help!
and my Bridesmaid or Best Man isn’t helping because this year I’ve been a guest at two weddings, but neither of those people are invited to mine – but they had MUCH bigger weddings than me, and not abroad. But my Bridesmaid or Best Man is saying ‘oh my god, i can’t believe you’re not inviting them’. (incidentally Bridesmaid or Best Man is having massive wedding with next year so she’s inviting everyone!). oh god, even typing this is stressing me out. HELP! Thanks x
Post # 3
@londongal: For people asking about when they are getting their invitation, they are being rude.
You can politely tell them that unfortunately you are having a very small and intimate wedding and are only inviting family and a very small number of friends.
As for those just asking about how wedding planning is going, just answer them nicely but don’t spend a ton of time on it. They are probably trying to be nice/make conversation rather than fish for an invite.
Post # 4
Just say you are having a small family only wedding and the guest list has already been decided on.
Post # 5
It’s a bit like ripping off a band-aid, unforunately. You just have to grit your teeth and get it over with. Be polite but firm.
Post # 6
I have the same issue. You just can’t invite everyone, and even though our list is over 300 we still have people asking if they’re invited. I agree with pp that if they are asking how plans are going, just nicely answer them but don’t say anything that will open a can of worms. And with people asking where their invite is, that’s being rude.
Post # 7
it’s not like you’re having a 300 person wedding and intentionally leaving people off the list. i think it’s okay to just say, “we’re having a really small wedding with only close friends and family” to people who ask you directly, which is rude of them to do in the first place. for people who just straight up assume they’re invited? i don’t think you have to say anything. no one should assume that in the first place.
Post # 8
We are having a 125 person wedding because we both have very large families. So we are politely telling friends who we wish could be there for our big day, that we are paying for the wedding ourselves and our guest list is consumed by our large families. People have been pretty understanding.
Post # 9
My Fiance and I are having a small wedding onlt 30 people including the party. Our wedding is not for 3 years but I find it very rude when people ask my future mother-in-law that “they are invited right?”. Personally I feel that some of these people just want to go to a wedding and have no interest in us any other time so why all of a sudden? My Fiance and I are telling people that its just going to be close friends and family because we want a very small and intimate ceremony and reception with those that share in our daily lives. We also have a budget and do not want to go over it just because people decided that they are are great friends with us to have to be invited. We do not need to start our life together in debt because we didn’t want to hurt peoples feelings-they shouldn’t have put us in that position in the first place. Hope it helps.
Post # 10
Yucky, that’s a terrible situation! I agree with the PP, you just need to face it head on when somebody asks you (which they shouldn’t). I had an acquaintance who is more of my friends’ friend, and had too tell her that unfortunately we have large families, over capacity, blah blah. She has been completely gracious about it; though it is weird that she’s always asking me about my plans. You’ll never be able to invite everyone, so I would say, let it go as best as you can 🙂
Post # 11
I’m also doing a small destination wedding and have been having the same problem, especially in the age of social networking. When my fiancee’ and I changed our statuses to “Engaged” we got many “I’m invited right?” messages from people who we consider friends, but not close friends. When we are asked we send back tactful messages that more or less say, “While we wish everyone could be part of our special day, we are limited on the number of guests allowed and in order to make room for our families we are only inviting family.” We have also made the guest list available to both sets of parents and explained our methodology in case they are asked in order to give them an “out”.
Our location will only allow up to 50 and we have invited a grand total of three friends.
Post # 12
Just mention that it is a destination wedding. They probably won’t want to spead the money to come. Most people are probably assuming that its going to be a typical wedding at a local hotel.
Post # 13
If you want to tell them something that solidly takes the blame off you (and are comfortable with lying), you could say your venue only allows x number of people, so you had to make severe cuts. “As much as I would have loved to invite all of our friends, we could only invite x number of people.”
If it gets awkward, it’s their fault for asking. lol <3 G’luck!
Post # 14
you know what’s annoying though – I think people are asking BECAUSE they want a vacation! and because it’s like it’ll be a big vacation with friends, everyone wants to come. Gah!!!
I’m just going to have to suck it up and get a backbone because the whole ‘the venue is too small’ thing is a big fat lie – it’s a taverna that could easily sit 100. I’ll just have to say ‘it’s very small, for very close friends and family only’. (which knowing some of my friends will mean they end up saying ‘but so and so’s going!’ and i’ll be like yeah, because she’s a CLOSE friend, and then they’ll hate me forever. oh dear)
Post # 15
When my (not so close) friends and coworkers ask about my upcoming nuptuials, I POINTEDLY tell them “We’re planning a small event in Maine next summer.” Most have caught on. A few have asked if we’re going to have a second event locally. (Umm.. No. The first one is crazy enough to plan. I’d end up just making a reservation at the Olive Garden. 😉 )
I’m not 100% sure everyone has figured out that they aren’t making the cut, but I’m doing my best to spread the word: small wedding. distant locale. the majority of the guest list is family.
Instead of justifying your guest list, remind EVERYONE (invited or not) that your vision for your wedding is a small affair. You certainly appreciate everyone’s well wishes and enthusiam for you; you are blessed to have so many dear friends and family members but it just isn’t possible to accomodate everyone at the ceremony.