Post # 1
So, I just got my save-the-dates sent out this week, yay! I was riding the high of getting something done… when a college friend that I haven’t seen for years sends me an instant messege asking what I was doing and I said that I had just finished preparing some Save-The-Date Cards.. so he asks me when they’ll get theirs! It seemed somewhat in jest but … what do I say?
I told them the situation… we are paying for the wedding ourselves, fiance is in grad school (so it’s mostly me), have determined that we can afford 150 guests and although we’d LOVE to have all of our friends from every part of our life there, we simply can’t afford it. It’s not personal AT ALL. 🙁
He was kind of upset. His response was, "Come on! We paid for our wedding when we were in college and only working part time…for more than 150 people!" I felt terrible and cried. It sucked. He said that he wanted to feel like he had the option to come… he also suggested possibly only inviting people to the ceremony and not the reception. It’s an outside wedding and I’m renting chairs, so there’s still a cost involved for that. 🙁
The kicker is that I haven’t seen these people in years, they’re in Japan and we only recently found each other on Facebook. How was it supposed to be on my radar that I should be inviting them? I did attend their wedding so I feel especially bad but we’re not close friends. How can they expect me to invite them when I can’t even invite people I see all the time?!
Still, I feel awful. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable in this case but I feel just terrible. This is only the first person that this is happening with. How do I break these things to people without unleashing all kinds of bridal angst on them? Is it even possible to do it in a way that normal people (ie people that haven’t RECENTLY planned/paid for a wedding) will understand?
Post # 3
Sorry you are having to deal with people like that. That dude was totally rude.
So what I have done when faced with similar questions is say "we are keeping the wedding small just family and close friends". I never ever mention the number of guest. 150 people sounds like a good amount of guest and people will wonder why they weren’t 1 of your 150 closest friends.
You will get this question several times before your wedding. Some people will be nice and some people will be nasty about it.
Sorry, best of luck and don’t let this guy get you down.
Post # 4
People can be so insensitive! When we got engaged, many people asked if they were invited to the wedding. Talk about awkward… My feeling is that if you have to ask, there is a good chance you are not invited (or you just have poor social skills).
Thankfully, we’re having a small wedding, so we are telling those that didn’t make the cut that we’re having a small family wedding (57 total, including us) and that there are many people we would have loved to invite, but we’re limited by the venue.
Unfortunately, there isn’t really a good answer for people who insist on making you feel bad for not inviting them. Rather than go into the financial details (and hard reality) of the wedding, perhaps take a lighter tone and say that you and your sweetie are trying to have a smaller wedding or are limited by the venue and that there were many people you were unable to invite. If they press futher, they are just being rude.
Post # 5
A friend of mine who I’ve lost touch since she changed jobs, recently wrote to me asking about my wedding plans. She mentioned that she didn’t expect to be invited but she was just excited for us. I don’t know if she was being partly facetious or was hoping to be invited. I had seen her for the first time several months ago and I had excitedly told her that I was engaged. Before she left for another job, we were friends and I had attended her wedding. But I wasn’t intending on inviting them since we had fallen out of touch, we were trying to keep the guest list small, etc. But I decided in the end, that I want to be true to myself and invite the people who I truly want to be at our wedding and not invite people out of a sense of obligation. i wrote back, was vague about my wedding date, and gave her an update on my plans. it was vague enough where it was pretty clear that she wasn’t invited but detailed enough where I conveyed some of my excitement and I left it at that. Don’t feel bad! Your friends are being presumptuous about expecting to be invited. As a guest to a wedding, I always felt that it was an honor to be invited. If they can’t accept your explanation, don’t dwell on it. he’s not being a cool friend.
Post # 6
This guy is completely out of line. I cannot believe him! It’s so rude for him to try to guilt you into inviting him (and why would he want to be at a wedding where he was invited out of guilt?!)! I think you need to NOT invite him, but maybe in the future, avoid disucssing details of the wedding with people who won’t be invited. We had to deal with a similar thing (large group of "friends" from college, not all of whom have been invited since we have lost touch/aren’t as close with many of them) and the best approach is to just avoid the subject when they are around. Good luck!
Post # 7
I know is always excited to talk wedding but NEXT TIME keep it to yourself! That’s the best way to go especially when you’re talking to someone you’re not inviting. It sucks because you’re excited and its nothing to hide but it does prevent a lot of unnecesary stress. When they ask you "how’s life? or what’s up?" simple "life is good" or "not much" would do.
Post # 8
just say it’s family only!
Post # 9
Agree with the other posters, it’s hard but it does help to watch your words around other people who aren’t invited. It also helps to avoid saying a specific number of guests. We’ve been lucky and have only had a few awkward conversations around the wedding. I’ve been sure to make a quick comment about the venue being small and then switch the topic to a neutral question about something else that interests them. One person pressed a little bit about it fishing for an invitation so I also casually mentioned that it’s been an eye-opening experience to pay for everything ourselves. She backed off as soon as she realized we didn’t have an endless budget.
One of my friends had the rule of thumb that she would only invite guests that she’d consider treating to a $100 dinner outside of the wedding context. It’s a weird way to look at it but it works, especially when you’re thinking about people you don’t talk to often. If you wouldn’t want to do that, or if you know they wouldn’t do it for you, don’t feel guilty.
Post # 10
I feel your pain! One of my FI’s friends (from HIGH SCHOOL!) called him up after the save the dates went out a few months ago, asking why he didn’t get one. Then, at a party he cornered me asking, and I said its small, we can’t invite everyone yada yada yada. Now, the wedding is 3 weeks away, and everyone keeps telling us he is showing up- with NO INVITE! Some people just have no class!!!!!
Post # 11
This is something I found out shortly after getting engaged – if you don’t know if you’ll be inviting someone, or if you know that you will not be, do NOT volunteer information about your wedding. It ends up being stressful for you that you can’t invite them, and they may end up hurt, or show up anyway!
If they ask specific questions, just be as vague as possible. Weddings become a huge part of our lives while we’re planning them, but when they ask about it, just try to focus on the other aspects of your life. Work, family, friends, puppies… whatever – there are plenty of people you are inviting that would LOVE to listen to you talk about the wedding (or people on message boards!). Don’t talk about it with people who you aren’t inviting.
Everyone wants people to be excited about their wedding and just be excited for them, but you’ve just got to realize that in the back of their head is running "am I invited? am I invited? am I invited?".
Post # 12
don’t tell wedding details to people not invited! you’re just setting yourself up for trouble… blah
Post # 13
i’ve been in your situation before — people asking "what are you doing" and i’ve told them what i was doing without thinking about it ("researching caterers, how’s work going?"). you can’t live your life thinking, "omg, he’s not invited to the wedding so i can’t talk to them at all." it’s small talk, no biggie, people know you’re getting married, especially if you’re on facebook (that’s when it’s official!). =) i’m sure you would have changed the subject right after had this guy not interjected with his complete rudeness. this guy just took it to the next level and was totally inconsiderate about it. so sorry you’ve had to deal with this!
Post # 14
Your "friend" is really rude – and not a very good friend. I can’t believe that he would debate with you about an invitation, and try to make you feel bad about not inviting him. We are also having a pretty small wedding (~150), and I have a very large family, so we are only inviting very close friends. I have had a number of people from work, and people that we like but don’t really consider friends (like the folks who have the season tickets next to ours at hockey) ask if they are invited.
The easiest thing is just to say "Oh, I’m sorry. You know, there are so many people we would love to be able to invite, but we’re trying to keep it small." You don’t have to talk about money, or space, or the fact that you have hardly seen someone for years. Anybody with any class will just say (as I did have one coworker do) "Oh, I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot. It’s just that we would love to see you married, but of course we understand if you don’t have room."
Post # 15
My first reaction when I read your post is that the friend was being really really rude. It is obvious you are not currently close since you haven’t spoken in years so it is truly presumptious of him to think heis invited and then when he finds out he is not to push you on the subject. Who is he to think your invitations are negotiable? Remember it is your decision and you should not be railroaded into inviting someone.
Please don’t feel bad- you are doing everything you can to plan great day and accomodate everyone you can while paying for it. You should not have to justify your decisions to an old friend who is out of line and has only recently come into your life again (that too via myspace and im).
I would maybe drop the subject or send an email to him saying so sorry wish we had reconnected earlier but our invitations have already been sent out (althouhg I’m not sure if it were me I would even apologize since you did nothing wrong).
Post # 16
Your friend is being very rude.
I would write back and say that your venue has a limited number of people and that is primarily taken up by family and the wedding party. Say you are sorry he is offended but you are not financially or spacially able to invite him to the wedding. Mention that it was a difficult choice but you have to make compromises with your future husband and you are unable to invite more than a handful of friends between the two of you.