(Closed) How to tell people they’re not invited…

posted 12 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 17
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

ick how rude of your long lost friend to assume an invite was in the mail!!

i’d second the suggestion of keeping mum about your wedding to anyone else…

but for this cat – simply tell him there is no room – it’s the end of the world

hang in there!!

Post # 18
Member
596 posts
Busy bee

it was rude of your friend to invite himself, but it was also a bit insensitive for you to share your wedding details with him if you were not going to invite him.  if you shared this detail with him, it was only natural for him to assume "oh she’s telling me about her Save-The-Date Cards because she’s inviting me, just like i invited her to my wedding!"  this obviously does not excuse his behavior but it’s understandable that he was hurt and taken aback that you would share details about a wedding that you had no intention of inviting him to.  i would reiterate what everyone else said and be careful to NOT share wedding details with random people you have no intention of inviting!  but you have been very honest with him so just leave it at that and go enjoy your wedding planning!

Post # 20
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

People do ask all the time.  I think you have to maybe separate the people who are asking to be polite (and that’s actually the majority of people who ask) and those who really care.  Other than my close friends, I think I know a grand total of two people who really care – one is a girl I work with who is also planning a wedding, and just wants to hear that someone else is having problems, or to hear ideas on how to solve them – and one is a guy I work with who has three daughters in their 20s, and really wants to know what it’s going to cost him to get them married. 

Of course we want to talk about what we’re doing, and tell stories, but if you remember that most of the people who ask "How’s the wedding planning going?" are saying it just like they would normally say "How ya doing? They don’t really need or want to hear anything other than "Oh, its crazy!"  or "It’s coming along!"

Post # 21
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I’ve realized that when you get engaged, all kinds of people from your past come out of the woodwork.  After adding and adding to my list to accomodate all of these people from my past, I had to say that enough was enough and I had to get a backbone.  We’re so over our numbers, I’m nervous that we’ll be too crowded for our venue – 160 max.

Post # 22
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Awww honey that guy is out of line! He cannot force you to invite him to your wedding nor can he impose himself.

I would stick to your guns and not invite him.

I was at a standstill myself about inviting my co-workers. What I ended up doing was telling them that we were just going to have a civil ceremony and a family only reception. I simply stated we are just struggling too much financially.

  

Post # 23
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

This has been an interesting post to read!  I agree that it’s best to not bring up wedding details when talking to those who aren’t going to be invited (to the extent that it is possible) and to give vague responses to people who ask about wedding details if you aren’t planning to invite them. 

It has definitely been awkward in some situations, so I totally feel your frustration!  I have a group of friends that I barely see (maybe once or twice a year) and I’m planning to have a pretty small wedding.  One person asked me why everything was so hush-hush and why I wasn’t excited about the wedding (I didn’t even tell them about my engagement until I got together with them several months later)…it was awkward trying to explain why they aren’t in the loop on the all the wedding details…because the fact is that I AM SUPER EXCITED ABOUT THE WEDDING, but I only share that excitement with my closest friends and family…

GOOD LUCK CONTINUING TO DEAL WITH THOSE AWKWARD SITUATIONS!

Post # 24
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

that guy was a complete jerk! boo on him.

honestly, when people have the balls to ask me if they’re invited, i just respond truthfully– i guess it’s my way of thinking. "if you’re going to ask, expect an answer." i don’t like to beat around the bush or make up lies ("oh, i don’t know, we haven’t finalized the guest list yet…" or "oh, it’s family only"), so i tell the answer straight up. *shrug* it may not be the most sensitive way to do it, but it’s been working for me.

Post # 25
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2008

Oh! The rudeness!

I’m sorry you had to deal with this. We went through this in our initial stages of guest list planning. People I hadn’t seen in a year+ were wanting to come and I was shocked! I set the limit at 50 people and have since raised it up to 60 people (I forgot a few key family members, oops!) but obviously 60 people is not including every single person I know. I’ve been just telling people that because we are paying for our own wedding, on top of our mortgage payments, and regular bills we can’t afford to have everyone, and it’s family and closest friends only.

No one’s given me a hard time, luckily. Hope all works out!

Post # 26
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Well, since it was the guy in the relationship you were talking to I see why it could have happened that way – men don’t really deal with a lot of the guest list stress like the woman do, so maybe he’s unaware that a lot of cuts were made or he simply doens’t remember.

Would they really fly in from Japan for the wedding? That seems a bit extreme to me, if you’ve just reconnected after several years at least.

I think you did all you could and he was being very insensitive. Maybe try to chat with his wife about the fact you didn’t mean to hurt them but you just can’t afford to invite everyone.  Maybe she will be more sympathetic to the conversation.

 

 

 

Post # 27
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

You know, I think that some people really don’t want to come to the wedding (thinking about flying all the way from Japan) but are terribly indignant to not be invited.  I have had several people respond this way.  It’s like they are insulted to not be in our "inner circle" (even though they aren’t).  But in fact I know based on past experience that they seldom show up when we invite them anywhere – to dinner, out for drinks, lunch at the country club – you name it.  So I’m pretty sure they would be no-shows for the wedding too.

Post # 28
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

I had this situation come up a lot. I just replied (as politely as I could muster) that I have a huge family and our venue is very limited to the number of people we invite. Unfortunately, we have set our guest list and cannot figure out any way to include any more people, which I hate so much, because I would love to have tried to include more of our friends. Our budget is so limited due to (my) being in grad school and with absolutely no help from either of our parents, so we cannot afford change venues and loose deposits! I know you understand! 

 giving this long response was a PITA but adding the fact you "think" you guys are good friends and can’t afford to change venues, then appreciating their understanding before they say anything will keep them from snottily answering back.

Post # 29
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Hmmm I see that a lot of posters think its wrong to talk about your wedding to people who aren’t invited.  I’m curious to know why that is????

Your getting married for Pete’s sake, you can sing it from the rooftops if you want to!!! That doesn’t mean that everyone you talk about it with is automatically invited. That’s totally ludacrous.  I’ve had quite a few people ask me when their getting their invitation (which is WAY rude IMO) and I’ve told them "sorry, but we’re having to pay for a good portion of the wedding ourselves, so we can’t add anymore to the guest list." Most people understand, especially in this economy today.

 I really don’t understand why people think that just cuz you know someone your automatically invited if they mention their wedding….

Post # 30
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

He should not make you feel guilty about scaling back your budget and guest list! I was completely put off when I read that he said, "Come on! We paid for our wedding…." blah blah blah.

So what, dude!? You’re not them. Your situation, as well as the economy, were completely different.

Stand your ground! Let them know you appreciate their support, and reconnecting recently has been fun. But you are keeping it to close family/friends that you’ve been more connected with recently. (The line has to be drawn somewhere.) 

 

Post # 31
Member
3331 posts
Sugar bee

I think that was pretty rude of your friend to expect they were invited and give you a hard time when they weren’t.  I know everyone does the best they can and you just simply can not invite EVERYONE you know.  especially if this is a friend with whom you’ve just reconnected, I’m surprised that he would be that bold as to call you out on that.  If he mentions it to you again, just reiterate your limitations and let it go.

Although, having said that, I talk about the wedding with people who are not invited (coworkers, classmates), so I don’t think that you absoultely can’t mention the wedding to people who aren’t invited.  I honestly haven’t had any problems with people expecting to be invited because I’ve talked about the wedding.  I always tell people that we’re keeping it small, and people have been fine with that.

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