(Closed) How to tell someone they are not a bridesmaid?

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
1624 posts
Bumble bee

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anonem1018:  Maybe you should not make promises to people that you have no intention of keeping. Having 7 vs 6 people as bridesmaids seems like a very weak reason to exclude this girl, but if you don’t want her in your wedding, you don’t have to include her. I wouldn’t say anything about your wedding party to her, or wedding plans at all, and if she asks, tell her you’d be honored to have her as your guest. 

Post # 3
Member
1591 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

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anonem1018:  It’s nice that you are considerate of her feelings, but I wouldn’t bring it up until she does. You don’t owe her anything, especially considering you aren’t close. If/when she asks if she’s a bridesmaid, just say “no”. If she insists on knowing why not, briefly explain your feelings to her and let it be. And what do you mean by “announcing” who’s in your bridal party? This seems odd to me…

Post # 4
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

This was my EXACT situation. With that exact number of bridesmaids too. For some reason, in college, everytime I got a bit drunk I would promise girls that one day they would be my bridesmaid. And then the day came and one girl still thought I felt that way.

For the first while of being engaged, I ignored the bridesmaids topic. Then I just started telling her how my sister was my Maid/Matron of Honor and I had a few childhood friends as BMs. I never fully told her that she wasn’t one, but she was able to figure it out. I don’t think she’s too upset, and I will still be inviting her to my engagement party, stagette, etc. So I think that softened the blow a little bit!

Edit* I thought I would “announce” my bridal party too, but I felt that was maybe a bit rude to a few people who I didn’t ask to be in it. So I simply asked my girls, and they will be listed on my wedding website, but other than that I never did an announcement (like on facebook or instagram). I just felt it might be a tad inappropriate, especially if I don’t want to hurt feelings.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by  sassybeee.
Post # 6
Member
1003 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Asking someone to be in your wedding is similar to penning an invitation to your wedding:

You invite who IS included, not who isnt.

Don’t sit this girl down and tell her she’s not a bridesmaid. Don’t make her your “attendant” for the day… you may want to consider asking her to do a reading on the day if you would like to keep her involved in some way.

If she asks YOU why she isn’t a bridesmaid, that is the only time you need to address it. But honestly.. take stock of this friendship. Life is too short for negative influences.

Finally – I’ve been a promised bridesmaids to friends I no longer speak to, and to friends who didn’t pick me. I honestly have never thought twice about it

Post # 8
Member
1624 posts
Bumble bee

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anonem1018:  Yes, this exact thing happened to me, except I was the friend to the bride who had “promised” the same thing as you did. I totally understood that our friendship wasn’t as close and respected the fact that she didn’t want a huge bridal party, but it was at that moment I consciously stopped being her friend. She made promises she didn’t mean and was a flake. Like I said, you don’t need to include everyone in your wedding, but you should be true to your word. I understand perfectly. 

Post # 9
Member
1591 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

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anonem1018:  Hahaha ok, I totally thought you meant make some fancy announcement lol 

Post # 11
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

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anonem1018:  Yes omg, same thing, if I invited her then I’d have to invite 1 or 2 more people because of the friend group! It was definitely an issue for me but now that I’ve chosen I just sat back and relaxed. It’s really not something to stress over. If they are a real friend then they will understand.

I’ve seen huge bridal parties before (10+ BMs) but I don’t think the bride paid for everything. I have 4 BMs and my Maid/Matron of Honor so I agree, every extra person is an extra expense!

Post # 13
Hostess
4190 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I had a situation like this. I have a lot of very close friends from different stages of my life and ended up leaving out a couple of girls who I would really have loved to include as BMs (I already have 6, didn’t want 10!). I didn’t tell them they weren’t BMs or announce my BMs on social media. I completely avoided the topic around girls that I knew I wasn’t going to ask/didn’t ask and eventually they figured it out. One did call and talk to me about it, but she was really mature about it and just said that she understands we’d grown apart lately and was sad to not be a Bridesmaid or Best Man but is excited to be going to the bachelorette and wedding. If I had every girl I promised as a kid or drunkenly in college/law school in my wedding, I would probably have 30 BMs lol. It’s not like you promised her she’d be a Bridesmaid or Best Man a month before you got engaged and now don’t want to include her.

Post # 14
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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anonem1018:  Similar thing here. I promised my best friend the role of second Maid/Matron of Honor or main bridesmaid when I get married. Then we had BIG falling out. I got engaged and avoided subject because I was going back and forth about having bridal party and not having bridal party.

Well, now we are no longer speaking so I don’t have your dilemma but I undersand your feelings. Honestly, I would just not ever bring it up and if she asks directly, then say you chose only closest people to you because your venue is small or something like that.

Post # 15
Member
13352 posts
Honey Beekeeper

You don’t. Invitations are meant to include people, not exclude them. When you don’t ask her, she’ll  figure it out.  

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