Post # 1
I’ve posted a few times and have gotten great responses so I’m hoping you can help me on this one. I have chosen all my BMs, one is FI’s sister, 2 are my absolute best friends from college, one is my good friend from HS and the last is a roommate from college with which we shared a wonderful friendship, lost touch and are back in touch again.
I also have a friend I made in graduate school and had struggled between asking her or my old roommate. I ended up going with the old roommate because we had a deeper relationship and I just know she is the right choice. My question is, how do I tell this other girl I did not choose her? Her and I were very close through grad school and then moved to my current city at the same time. I introduced her to her Fiance and they actually got engaged the same weekend and my Fiance and me. She has moved away from where I live in the past 8 months and we’ve only really kept in touch through IM and I just don’t feel as close to her as my other friends. Do I say anything? I know she is having like an “unveiling” for her BMs soon at her engagement party (which I cannot attend). I think she knows, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings by just all of a sudden posting it on my wedding website.
I guess my question is, should I tell her? And if I should, in what manner (email, phone — we never talk on the phone, IM?)
Thanks, in advance, for all your opinions and advice!
Post # 3
I think the question is, do you think she expected to be included? If she definitely did i.e. you all talked about being in each other’s weddings and everything before, then you may want to give her an explanation. Otherwise, I don’t think it’s needed. She may be relieved since she will be so involved in planning her own wedding anyways.
Post # 4
Yes I agree with @mc77. I was in a similar boat but we never discussed being in each other’s weddings so I just didn’t say anything. And she now knows who is in my bridal party and has never seemed bothered by it! I say just go with your gut when it comes to picking your bridal party.
Post # 5
perhaps you could include her in the wedding some other way, by havng her do a reading or something of that nature? i believe there is a bee who has something like an extended bridal party (bridal house? please forgive my terrible memory!)- which includes ladies & gents who didn’t make the cut for the official bridal party, but are still acknowledged in programs, etc.) if that’s not an option, just let her know in the form you’re most comfortable with that if you could have a larger bridal party, you would be thrilled to include her. let her know how happy you will be to have her attend, regardless.
Post # 6
I had two close friends whom included me in their weddings last year, but I was unable to do the same for them in my wedding. So I asked them to be “honor attendants” and do readings during the ceremony. They’re still included, just not standing up there the whole time!
Post # 7
I wouldn’t say anything about not being a Bridesmaid or Best Man unless she explicitly brings it up. Otherwise its just super awkward. If you are close enough to her that she was almost a Bridesmaid or Best Man though, I would ask her to do a reading or something in the wedding so she is still included.
Post # 8
I think explaining it to her would just be worse. That’s bound to be the world’s most awkward conversation (or IM), and if I were your friend, it would just make me feel bad and/or defensive (e.g. “I don’t need your sympathy; who said I wanted to be a bridesmaid anyway?”).
If you really feel like she’s expecting to be a bridesmaid and will be hurt by not being chosen, then I’d reconsider including her. It might be a good way to reignite your friendship, since it doesn’t sound like you’ve had a falling out of any kind–you’ve just lost touch.
Post # 9
Thank you so much for your advice. I guess I’m just going to go ahead with all my plans and if she brings it up then talk to her about it. I might be having her do a reading or something as well (don’t have my ceremony planned yet). I know it could be completely awkward and maybe she doesn’t even want to be a part of the bridal party, so I think it’s just best to go ahead and if she makes mention of it, talk to her about it.