Post # 1
I was asked to be a bridesmaid for friend who is part of a social circle that I used to be a part of (I moved thousands of miles away from them) and since exiting that group I’ve never again experienced such hostility and dysfunction.
I was a part of this social circle through my ex-boyfriend. One of the guys in the circle told me I was a “stupid b—h” after his brother inappropriatly grabbed my bottom. One of the girls constantly lied about me to push her own agenda and make me look badly. I overheard another guy in the circle telling my ex (who was his best friend) that I was crazy and he should just cheat on me. Then there was another girl who literally cornerd me in a bar one night and in split-personality fashion she was yelling at me that she was upset that I never spent any time with her 4 year old daughter, but that she would never trust me with the same daughter. I have tons more of these types of stories. It was a really bad two years and my then boyfriend did little to stand up for me to the circle.
All of the above mentioned people will be in attendance for the wedding and three of the four will be standing up in it (There are a total of 30 groomsmenn and bridesmaids). It hurt me that my friend asked the girl who made my life miserable by lying about me to be a bridesmaid also (they became friends after I moved despite me communicating how much it upset me). Plus my ex will be there (the breakup was REALLY bad).
Because I would be going to the wedding with my new and WONDERFUL supportive boyfriend I felt I had the support and strength I needed to face these people. However, I learned two weeks ago that he has a medical condition that will not allow him to fly for several months and he will not be able to attend the wedding with me. Besides the bride and one other girl I will not know anyone that I feel is in the interest of my sanity to talk to. I emotionally can not bring myself to pretend and play nice for the sake of the bride. For two years I took all their abuse for the sake of my relationship and it devestated me after. I made the promise to never pretend again. In my more confident present demenour, given the chance, I may do, or say something in the interest of asserting/protecting/setting things straight that could ruin her night. When I had the support of my boyfriend I felt I could manage this difficult gathering. I am now not so confidnet. This has become so troublesome that I have nightmare’s about the wedding.
I need to tell my friend I can’t be a bridesmaid and am looking for advice on how to do so. I don’t know how honest to be. I realize this is her day and my goal is to tell her my position without playing the victim. I realize this may make me a bad friend and I’m okay with that. I’d rather have my sanity.
Post # 2
Wow a wedding party of 30 that is a lot! I would just say you appreciate her thinking of you but at this time you don’t feel you could be the bridesmaid she deserves or something like that. I hardly think she will notice as she has many others in the wedding party to worry about.
Post # 3
Fuck that noise. The bridge to that abusive social circle was in cinders already, I wouldn’t bother busting out the extinguisher now for a ‘friend’ that still keeps that kind of toxic company. If not making the wedding ends your friendship, well, doesn’t sound like it was all that great for you to begin with. Your health comes first, and supporting your partner comes second–keeping company with abusive people for a day for the sake of one buddy’s ego doesn’t even make the damn list.
I’m so honored that you chose me as a member of your bridal party! Unfortunately, life has thrown some unexpected things my way and I won’t be able to make the trip to Kansas City in October. I’m so sorry I won’t be able to stand up at your wedding and I hope you understand. I miss you and love you and I’m so happy for you and Brad and the amazing future you will have together.
Post # 4
Speck_: I love your honesty! Thank you! Interesting to hear my situation fed back to me that way. It really puts it in perspective.
Post # 5
sashabaron: I was about to reply, then saw Speck_ reply and decided she said it for me. If it were me and someone was declining for whatever reason, such as what you said, or even something like they just couldn’t make the trip, financial problems, etc, I would just want them to say something like that or rather “thank you so much for asking, but due to circumstances, I won’t be able to do it. I appreciate your offer” (always sandwich it… say the good thing, then the bad thing, then finish up with the good 🙂 ) make sure you emphasise you can’t make it, so she doesn’t just think its about being able to be IN it. (unless you want to attend). I only say that, because a close friend of mine had/has some financial issues, and if she were to decline, I would want to know if she were declining just being in it, or being their period. No need to tell me anything she didnt’ want to share, but just enough so I would know the either/or.
Hope that helps!
Post # 6
Speck_: Well said. There’s absolutely no way you should consider going to this wedding, OP.
Post # 7
I don’t have anything better than the other ladies have already said but my two cents is, just say ‘Thank you so much for asking me to be a part of your wedding, but I am unable to make it so I will have to decline’
You don’t owe them any explanation, you can just say no.
Post # 8
They’re having THIRTY people in the wedding party? If they’re including everyone they’ve ever met, I’m sure they’ll be cool with you declining.
Post # 9
So funny, ‘everyone they’ve ever met’. Sounds mad to me btw OP. Best out of it I think.