How to un-ask a groomsman

posted 2 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 2
Member
6828 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I feel like youre punishing the wrong person… Kicking him out will likely be frienship ending, but you don’t seem to care about that. I would just call/visit him and say that you think you think he will be better off attending the wedding as a guest. Wish him well and then leave. 

During this time my friendship with him became strained, because when she chose the other guy, he would come over to boo hoo to us about it.

You sound like a pretty terrible friend though. You have been cheated on and this is how you react to a friend going through the same thing? Sounds like he will be better off without “friends” like this…

Post # 3
Member
3300 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

You’re a bad friend. You were in a situation and handled it differently than he choices to & you punish him for that. 

Post # 4
Member
5567 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

cantonbuckeye :  

It sounds like he’s not talking to you and hasn’t been in your life for two months.

It had to be frustrating to watch him constantly go back to her but I’m sure he was embarrassed to tell you that she came back, yet again, because he knows how you feel.

I would honestly just let it all go. Assume he’s not in the wedding party and if he starts talking to you again just keep your distance. If he mentions being a groomsman, then tell him he’s not in the wedding. But if he’s not interested in being in your life right now, I wouldn’t even bother.

Post # 5
Member
2430 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

Disregarding what his wife is putting him through, just focus on what HE is putting YOU through in this so-called friendship. He sees you as a fair-weather friend. You are a good ear to listen to his whining, and as a place to flop when he is upset. But when he is happy, you can go kick rocks. 

It is fine to be sympathetic for awhile when a friend is going through problems, but when it is happening constantly, and you are just a port in a storm for more monotonous consoling for the millionth time, nothing in the friendship rule book says you are obligated to put up with it. 

An email or a phone call is enough to let him know you are not counting him in anymore as one of your groomsmen.

Post # 6
Member
5567 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

And no, you weren’t used. Your friend came to you time and time again when he was heartbroken and devastated, at his lowest points.

That’s called trusting his friend, not using his friend.

Post # 7
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I don’t think you have a say in your friend’s relationship. Asking him to step down WILL be afriendship ending move. You need to decide if you are okay with that. You don’t have to be friends with or like his significant other to be friends with him. But if you’re okay with ending the friendship you can either send him a note wishing him well & that he is no longer a part of the wedding party or just don’t say anything at all. He might assume he’s not in it any longer anyway.

Post # 9
Member
1290 posts
Bumble bee

call or leave him a voicemail letting him know that given all that has happened you think it is best he attend your wedding as a guest, not a groomsman. likely he wont come, but his reaction seems irrelevant. you don’t want to be friends with him, so you don’t need to try to find a way to sugar-coat that he isn’t in your wedding anymore. 

Post # 10
Member
746 posts
Busy bee

If you’re not in contact it’s safe to assume he won’t be participating in the wedding. If he chooses to contact you then you could mention that you took his radio silence as his resignation as a groomsman and you have moved on with your wedding planning. This tactic will be relationship ending but it sounds like that wouldn’t bother you much anyways. 

Post # 11
Member
395 posts
Helper bee

It may seem trite. But talk to him about your feelings.  Please don’t email or leave a message and just give him the boot.  Let him know how you feel used.  Also decide where you want this friendship to go keeping in mind your needs and keeping in mind you have been cheated on as well.  You aren’t a bad person and neither is he necessarily; we all have needs.  Good luck.

Post # 12
Member
367 posts
Helper bee

If he hasn’t spoken to you then I think you’re in the clear. I agree that if he brings it up you could talk to him about it, but if I didn’t talk to my friend for months I’d assume I wasn’t in their wedding anymore. 

I don’t agree with the people saying that you’re a bad friend. You gave advice based on the information he gave you. He went rogue and you haven’t heard from him for stretches of time…but he went back to you and you were still there for him to hear him out each of the 637382 times. You did what you could, but you’re not obligated to stay friends with someone if you don’t agree with their morals. 

Post # 13
Member
888 posts
Busy bee

All friendships experience strain at one point or another.  Here are the points to consider in this situation: 

1) Whether he was infuriating you or not, you still let him into your home when he needed you.  Every single time.  You were honest with him and let him talk through it when he was at a low point.  Every single time.  His radio silence when all is “well” in his life is poor repayment for you having done that. 

2) You have no obligation to be friends with anyone.  If his treatment of you since everything has gone down is distasteful, then why pretend like it isn’t?  To most people, radio silence for months, especially with a shared event like a wedding coming up, is distasteful.  So, go ahead and demote him to a guest rather than a groomsman.  If you don’t want him there at all, go the uninvite route. 

3) And yes, please dissociate yourself from his “wife”.  Whatever ends up happening between you two guys, you don’t have to keep her in your life. 

Post # 14
Member
2800 posts
Sugar bee

To people that are critizising OP for not being supportive – What the OP is upset about is not the support that he’s been asked to offer, but for the fact that the friend completely disappears when he no longer needs that support. 

That can be so crushing, when you put so much time and energy into supporting a friend only to have them cast you aside completely when they throw themselves back into the very same situation that led them to need the support in the first place. There is a limit to how many times a person can play that card before the friendship is totally drained. You wind up feeling like a prop that is actually just supporting and enabling the damaging relationship they’re in. 

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