(Closed) How to uninvite alcoholic, abusive uncle

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Can’t uninvite.  Talk with your venue and ask them how do they handle unruly guests.  They can have him trespassed and escorted off the property by the police if you rescind his invitation.

Post # 4
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

A) Uninviting someone is really poor etiquitte. If you’re worried about his intake of alcohol, I’d mention it to the bar tender (if you’re having friends bartending your wedding). Most of the time, people are pretty decent at weddings–family drama somehow seems to take a backseat. Maybe your wedding could mend fences.

B) If you really don’t care about sounding rude, just call your aunt and say, “It’s come to my attention that there is some family feuding going on, and I’m not really comfortable with you coming to my wedding.” It’s really going to hurt your aunt’s feelings though.

I agree with @beachbride1216. Talk to security, and do not univite them.

Post # 5
5662 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

In this kind of situation I think that ettiquete pretty much goes out the window. I don’t really  know a good solution besides talking to your grandmother and telling her you are sorry but he cannot come, and then telling him. I just wanted to let you know though that I think its acceptable to disinvite him. He sounds abusive and out of control. Just my two cents.

Post # 9
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Wow. That’s horrible.  I don’t think etiquitte is the priority here.  Can you explain a little more about how your grandmother’s feelings are connected to all this? Is it just that she really wants him to be invited? Or does she live with him? What’s the deal?

Post # 12
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@JenniferSC:  I’m sorry to hear that.  I guess the best thing really is to talk to her.  I definitely think you should uninvite your uncle, though.  Even if it is rude, it’s for the safety and comfort of all your other guests. 

Post # 13
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Screw ettiquette, call aunt and say you have to take back your invitation due to budget and space issues. Then get your sister out of there. Actually do this first.

Post # 14
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I know it feels awkward and uncomfortable, but when drugs, alcohol, abuse, threat of violence, etc. are part of the situation, ettiquette does not apply.  You do not want an unstable person at your wedding and spend a ton of time worrying that he will go crazy, get drunk, hit someone or be rude to your other guests.

At the same time inquire about security just to be sure in case he does show up.  Make sure that any potential situations will be handled appropriately.

Forget about offending your grandmother.  She is obviously not thinking of everyone else involved or their feelings.  Sometimes that’s how grandmothers are, they ignore the reality of the situation to everyone’s detriment.

Post # 15
368 posts
Helper bee

@JenniferSC:  “Here’s the thing though, why should I have to even worry about this? why should I have to worry if he will be a basic, functioning human being for once when he has shown over and over that he is nothing but a monster? I shouldn’t have to worry at all about him and his demons.”

Well said. our uncle is a violent, disruptive, hurtful person, and I don’t think you’re going to find the solution to this problem in an etiquette book. You just have to do what you think is right in the most gracious way possible.

You and the rest of the family should not have to be afraid of him and his behavior at this event…. I agree with PPS who said you can rescind it and tell them it’s because of space or budget – I really can’t think of a gentler or more tactful way to do that. (I feel bad that your aunt and other family members will also have their invitation rescinded – is there any way you can ONLY uninvite him? Probably not if he lives with them, but just thought I’d ask.)

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