(Closed) How toexplain to the overbearing parents that “we’re moving in together”

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Just tell them.  Spell out the reasons you are doing it, tell them u understand they are conservative but this is the decision you want to make.  They will likely threaten and rant and rave, but I mean, is that going to change your desicion?  There is no good way IMO to tell them, just do it and let the chips fall where they may.

Post # 5
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree, just tell them, and get it out there. Make it clear that you are both adults, and that this is what you want. There’s no way to really buffer that for people that are against it, since people who are against it are that way because of strongly held religious beliefs. The best you can do is try to calmly/kindly hold your ground and reinforce that they must respect your decisions, since it is your life and your relationship.

A lot of what getting serious/planning a wedding is all about is standing up for your wants/needs and setting boundaries with your relatives to establish you and your Fiance as a new family. Well, here’s your step number one!

 

Edit to above: So it sounds like the problem isn’t that they are conservative, it’s that they actually don’t like him? Regardless, it doesn’t matter, if he’s what you are choosing. If you love someone enough to live with them and marry them, then that should overrule your parent’s objections. If, in your mind, it doesn’t overrule them, then you need to ask yourself if he is worth it.

Post # 6
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

It sounds to me that there is more to it than them just not feeling comfortable with you living with someone before marriage.  It sounds like they don’t approve of the relationship in general.  Do they have specific concerns?  Perhaps some of them are valid.  Also.. will you still be dependant on them financially?  If you are not working are you sure that you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend will be able to completely support yourselves?  And finding a short term lease for 5-6 months may be difficult as most places will require a year.  I certainly understand why you would want to share your life together and have some privacy in your relationship.  And you are adults so you’re certainly able to make these decisions for yourself, so you shouldn’t be afraid to tell your parents, they can’t control you.  I would just really think about all the pieces of the puzzle before you move forward with your plan.

Post # 8
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I understand.  You have to realize though that you really cant have it both ways.  I’ve dealt with irrational parents and, look, they wont change their minds, they wont listen to reason, they wont be so moved by their love for you that they will say ‘whatever you want baby’ it’s not going to happen.  But dont expect them to be giving you money for this.  I dont think it’s necessarily fair for them to help fund something they dont spiritually believe in.   If you want to do this you and SO will have to man up and do it, PERIOD.  If you still need your parents help, then you will have to wait awhile Im afraid.  Make a decision, stick to it.  Good luck, I wish you guys the best.  These are the hardest times because we are trying to put our feet down but still always want to involve our parents and hope they wish us well.  Some might not. Oh well, ya know?

Post # 9
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

so, you want to move into your fi’s parents house temporarily until you two can move into a place of your own?

sounds like a lot of grief for 4-6 months (which will become 10-12 very quickly). i’ve lived with someone else’s parents – got the tmj disorder to prove it (literally ‘bit my tongue’ too much!). it’s not easy. no matter how much they like you. you won’t be working, at least not for a while, so that’s going to add stress.

it sounds your parents are not going to approve (think about it from their perspective, you are living with a guy they don’t like before marriage & you will be dependent on his parents for a roof overhead). they could certainly disown you, depending on how they feel. it doesn’t sound like you have a financial argument to persuade them, nor can you say you’re too old to live at home (since you’re moving in with his parents), so it comes down to ‘i want to,’ which won’t win them over. try to come up with the most rational reason to do this. they will still be upset, but you won’t seem like a child to them.

and above all else, be as respectful as possible. good luck.

Post # 12
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@jenlynn85: ahh okay. you mentioned one of the reasons they didn’t accept him was that he lived with his parents and said moving in would be temporary, so that’s what I was thinking. Assumed engaged bc your date. Sorry.

I’d say if you two are planning to find an apartment together, you can present them with a reasonably rational argument (we’re adults, i want to be self-sufficient, etc.). Just try to be as calm and respectful about it as possible. Also, as others noted, finding a 4-6 month lease can be tough.

In the end, you are an adult. Just be prepared to be cut off financially.

Post # 13
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I agree with junabiona.  You are an adult and the most you can do is have a calm and rational discussion as adults.  They may not react well, but then they could be impressed with you *acting* like a mature adult.

 

I’m 25 now but moved in with now-FI when I was 19 and he was 24.  I was SO worried about how my parents  (mostly my dad) would react, so I didn’t really tell them…I moved in and whenever they needed me, lo and behold I was always there!  They figured it out, haha.  They were both fine with it, they just wanted to make sure I was okay with it so I wouldn’t get hurt emotionally. 🙂 

 

Fiance and I also have 2 sets of friends that did something different from us.  In each set the girl’s parents had a problem of their daughter living with their then-BF, so they rented apartments with multiple rooms so they had their own bed(room).  Doesn’t mean they didn’t sleep every night in the same bed but it helped ease their parents into the idea.

Post # 14
Member
38 posts
Newbee

I was in almost the same situation – except it was my boyfriend’s parents who were very traditional. He is an only child of asian parents so they just don’t believe in living together before marriage. We’ve been together for 5 years now and we are planning to buy a house together this spring (we are both 23, just graduated from university and live with our parents for free right now, saving money).

He was really worried about telling his parents… but he finally bit the bullet a few months ago (a few months after we first discussed it) and told them. He didn’t want me there, even though I thought that might make it easier since I didn’t think they’d freak out in front of me. But he did it alone and it went fine… he was really surprised. I was only partially surprised, because his parents love me and while I thought they might be unhappy that we weren’t married, I was pretty sure that they know me well enough and know how long we’ve been together to understand that this is what we want to do and we WILL make it legal.

AND we are getting engaged this year, so he told them that and that just recently and they’re even more ok with it now. I talk houses with his mom sometimes when I come over 🙂

Good luck telling your parents, hopefully it goes well like ours did and isn’t as bad as you think!

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