How was your parents’ marriage?

posted 3 years ago in Family
  • poll: How was your parents’ marriage?

    Mostly good

    Mostly bad

    Somewhat good

    Somewhat bad

    My parents weren’t married and never got along

    My parents weren’t married but were amicable

  • Post # 16
    Member
    1700 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2018

    My parents 40th anniversary is next year.  I do remember some stressful times and my parents fighting while we were growing up.  But they were never anything but supportive of each other to us kids.  No triangulation  happening.  They actually got a lot closer after we all started moving out.  Of course,  that’s also when both started new and much better paying jobs,  soore.money probably helps lol.  We always had enough to eat,  but I know bills and rent were a struggle growing up. 

    In any case,  now my parents work on the same office and their cubicles are beside each other.  They literally spend all day,  every day together and seem happier then they have ever been.  My grandparents on both sides were pretty similar. Moms parents have passed,  but they were always pretty loving when I saw them(they lived in another state so we rarely saw them).

    My grandparents are in their 80s and still incredible romantic with each other. You know,  staring into each others eyes,  telling each other they love each other,  doing things for the other person. I really hope fi and I can love each other that much in our 80s.

    Post # 17
    Member
    1393 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2020

    View original reply
    azf0019 :  My mom never has met my dad – I was a sperm bank baby! Haha. Actually, my mom never got married. She’s an amazing single parent though, and loves all of us a lot. Other marriages around me, such as my grandparents and aunt/uncle, were always very stable. I never saw them fight (they also weren’t very physically affectionate though).

    I think I have a healthy view of marriage. When my husband and I decided to get married early, both only 21, my mom was really supportive of it, saying, “I never found a man worthy of marriage, but I’m happy that you’ve found such an amazing guy.”

    My husband’s parents had an extremely rocky relationship. His mom moved out when he was in 3rd grade, then she came back. She left again after he and I started dating, and his parents got a full divorce that year. After a year apart, she moved back in with his dad and they have been seemingly a lot happier ever since (for some reason?). When they were bad, he remembers them bickering over bread and little things like that. They would also have full blown fights about bigger issues, like finances.

    My husband still doesn’t understand why they didn’t divorce sooner, nor why they got back together. This fighting also made him a bit more hesitant about marriage, although he always knew he wanted to be married. Now that we are, all of that fear is gone and he says marriage is great.

    Post # 18
    Member
    357 posts
    Helper bee

    I knew way too much about my parents’ marriage in middle school and high school. My mom confided in me things she was too embarrassed to tell her girlfriends (healthy, right?) As a result, I felt like my parents had a bad marriage but, as I’ve gotten older and have gained some perspective, I see that they actually had a relatively good relationship that went through some very normal stresses (children, finances, etc). Now that my sister and I have both grown into relatively successful adults with stable relationships and good jobs, my parents’ marriage has never been better. They will be married 38 years this year. My fiancé’s parents seem to have a similar situation, married 36 years this year. 

    FWIW, my parents are both each other’s second spouse (neither has children from their first marriage) and FI’s mom is his father’s second wife (1 son, my fiancé’s brother, from his first marriage.)

    Post # 19
    Member
    7160 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2016

    My mother and father separated when I was young and officially divorced when I was 10. Their marriage wasn’t great. But my father and stepmother have been married for almost 30 years, now, and their marriage is great. I consider her my second mother at this point. My mother went on and married a great guy, as well, so I feel as though I benefitted a lot from the ending of my bio parents’ marriage because I got two more parents and awesome extended families from the deal.

    Post # 20
    Member
    2966 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    My parents got divorced not too long after I was born. My dad was physically abusive and both of my parents are severely mentally ill. My mom got married again briefly, but that marriage also ended in disaster.

    That scared me away from marriage for a long time.

    Post # 21
    Member
    1893 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

    My parents had a great marriage, they were always very affectionate towards each other and they put each other first, they would go out regularly and always celebrated their anniversary 

    Post # 22
    Member
    326 posts
    Helper bee

    My parents were together for 12 years and they never married. They seperated when I was 4ish, I think? My mom hasn’t had the best relationships including my dad. Sometimes she wonders why no one has ever wanted to marry her–which is sad as fuck, because she’s a great woman, imo. 

    So, it’s made me kind of aggressive about marriage? I had the rule that I’d never be anyone’s girlfriend for more than 5 years (after 5 years, what are you waiting for?) and I won’t be engaged for more than 2 years. 

    It’s not like marriage keeps people together, I know that, but…that step has become very important to me. 

    Post # 23
    Member
    11280 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    My parents openly despised each other.  I was completely unplanned and unwanted, my mother made sure I knew that.  They were in their forties when I dropped in, a cautionary tale—women who plan to have babies later in life, consider how you’ll feel when they hit adolescence.  Will you be a youthful, active 50+ mom, or will you be ready to travel, retire, relax, or chill?  Even extraordinarily well behaved teenagers are challenging.

    My parents could, however, find it in themselves to work as a team when it came to their abuse of me.  

    My mother saw my successful father as a meal ticket, I was the price she paid for the luxe life.

    I won’t get into the perverse relationship I had with my sperm donor, suffice it to say, if I’d been a boy, analysts would call it Oedipal triumph.

    My mother was also a full time alcoholic, prone to violence toward me, her way of coping with life with a cerebral narcissist who considered her beneath him on every level.

    Imagine my surprise finding out that it everyone’s parents had their own bedrooms.

    As sick as their relationship was, it had a certain symbiosis to it.  I was the third wheel.

    They were despicable parents.

     

     

     

     

    Post # 24
    Member
    291 posts
    Helper bee

    My parents’ marriage is mostly very good! It’s definitely a model for me. It’s not perfect, but they’ve built a wonderful family & a life together that they both love & that makes them very happy. That inspires me, to know that you don’t have to be perfect in order to build a wonderful marriage that enriches both your lives. They each have their flaws and there are some specific dynamics in their relationship that I wouldn’t want to repeat in my own marriage, but they enjoy spending time together and we always had (and still have!) a great time hanging out as a family. They love & support each other, and it’s been fun seeing them get closer and focus on their relationship just the two of them since my sister & I left the nest. They have date nights & go to concerts together all the time now, it’s super cute! 

    Post # 25
    Member
    1023 posts
    Bumble bee

    I don’t know what their marriage was like, I have no memories of it.

    My parents had a civil divorce (granted by the courts, they sure as hell didn’t act civil!) plus a religious annullment, before I was 2 years old. They had been married over 20 years. They had 8 children, 2 were deceased and 6 were living at the time of their divorce.

    Their marriage was very unhappy.

     My earliest memories start after the divorce, and they treated each other terribly for many years. My older siblings have told me the time of the divorce was the stuff nightmares are made of.

    Post # 26
    Member
    151 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    Honestly I’m unsure how long my parents were together total but know that they got married when I was 4. I always felt like we would have been better off if they hadn’t stayed together and even my aunt (dad’s sister) tried to convince my mom not to marry him because they felt like he didn’t deserve her. My dad was an alcoholic, couldn’t hold down a steady job and was at the least verbally abusive towards my mom (I never saw him put a hand on her but I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had). He constantly claimed she was having an affair with another man and not actually going to work which wasn’t true. I do have people in my life however that showed me what a healthy marriage should look like. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    103 posts
    Blushing bee

    When I was 8 years old, ,my dad dragged my mother across the living room floor by her hair and beat the shit out of her and me for years prior and years to come. He has since changed and grown tremendously but I never saw affection or love, let alone basic respect for a woman. My fiancé comes from a “keeping up with the jones’“ type family. Any problems they have had have been dealt with privately and cordially, and never in front of their children. 

     

    Interestingly enough, my fiancé and I have somewhat similar ideals for marriage. His based on his blindness to marital problems, and my desire to break the cycle. I feel like my realities have better prepared me for what can happen when you are not mindful of your marriage, where his experiences have led him to believe his parents are perfect and can do no wrong, so his parents have a heavy influence on him. 

     

    But in the end, we do both have similar values on what a marriage should consist of, and we have developed our own tools on how to deal with them as I suspect we will continue to do once we are married. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    2310 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2018

    I inspire to have a marriage like my parents. They’re been married 38 years, 6 kids & 7 grandkids later & still strong. They’re each other’s best friends & do everything together. When Mum went to the states for 2 weeks he missed her like crazy. 

    I never remember them fighting or bickering. Dad will always take Mum’s side against us kids, even when she’s totally wrong.

    family is so important to my parents & there’s nothing my parents wouldn’t do for ours. Also one thing worth noting is parents always put their marriage before us kids but we’ve always felt so loved. 

     

    Post # 29
    Member
    212 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    My parents met in high school, married at 19, and still hold hands whenever walking in public <3

    Interestingly though, as an adult I now see how dependent my mum is on my dad.  She takes no interest in cooking, understanding how to turn on the TV, their retirement fund or financial position…  So I have definitely, through observation, learned what to do and what not to do based on my own personal values.

    Post # 30
    Member
    630 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    Honestly I’m not sure if I’d describe it as good or bad. My parents hardly ever fight and their “fights” are very low on heated words. They love each other, I think – not super sure because they’ve never expressed affection much. Only, they don’t fight because my dad avoids conflict at any cost and hasn’t got an ounce of assertiveness. This also means they really cannot do parenting. It would have been a very happy household if they hadn’t had kids – but they did, and were not equipped to deal with the challenges that got handed to them. Overall, living under their roof was incredibly awful despite their own good relationship.

    I really had a hard time figuring out what a healthy relationship looks like. It’s relatively easy to spot an abusive situation, but this… I ran for the hills every time a really nice guy asked me out, because something would remind me of my dad. Came really close to deciding to stay single for life – it was 100% not what I wanted, but I was sure I can’t subject my future kids to how I grew up. D.H. is the only person I’ve felt completely safe with, and the only one who could put my fears to rest. He’s a nice guy, very decent, but he’s not the type to get hen pecked or back down from any difficulty. Of course I struggle when we have disagreements, because he’s incredibly stubborn… but in the end, it’s one of the things I love about him.

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