How was your parents’ marriage?

posted 3 years ago in Family
  • poll: How was your parents’ marriage?

    Mostly good

    Mostly bad

    Somewhat good

    Somewhat bad

    My parents weren’t married and never got along

    My parents weren’t married but were amicable

  • Post # 61
    Member
    996 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2019

    If ALL bad was an option I would have picked that. Luckily they separated when I was 3 and officially divorced when I was 6. Unluckily that didn’t stop the fighting. But at least we didn’t have to live with him anymore. And our relationship has devolved into non-existant, which is the best possible outcome.

    Post # 62
    Member
    1737 posts
    Bumble bee

    My parents have been divorced since I was 4 1/2, and they’ve lived in different countries since I was 6 1/2. My dad gave my mom permission to move us from UK to Canada, she had sole custody and he didn’t have visitation so it didn’t affect much. My parents hated each other for a lot of years, my dad was abusive towards my mom, which I didn’t know about until I was much older and overheard a conversation. I don’t have any memories of my parents married.

    My dad remarried the first time when I was 9, divorced when I was 16, third marriage when I was 18 divorced when I was 20, fourth and fifth marriage I have no clue on. Our joke is he should just give a woman he hates a car and a house, it would be simpler. He currently has a partner but they don’t live together. 

    My mom remarried when I was 15, they’re still together 18 years later. 

    My parents are civil to each other now, but my sisters and I are all much more involved and in touch with my mom than my dad. My parents have had enough time pass that they just tolerate each other on the very seldom occasion they have to be around each other. My mom loves her ex-in laws though and will happily help with them however she can when they come to visit. My mom and dad haven’t had to be in the same room as each other in 9 years, next time they might have to be around each other is my wedding next year.

    Post # 63
    Member
    5018 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2017

    I can’t vote as you did not include TRAIN WRECK in your poll.  Get ready for this…

    My mother and bio dad divorced by the time I was 3 years old.  It ended due to an affair my mother took part in (with bio dad’s best friend) though I am told there were other issues involved.

    My mother married adulterating boyfriend who became my step father also when I was 3 years old.  She was pregnant with my brother at the time and he left my mother just a month after their marriage and did not return until my brother was born. He then proceeded to have multiple affairs on her through a span of 20+ years of marriage.  They divorced.

    Then they re-marry eachother!.  Step father within just months of the second marriage started to show the same old troubling behaviors and leaves my mother.  They divorce and she later discovers he had been having yet another affair on her (surprise, surprise).

    Mother is now single.

    Step father just married his cousin (yes, you read that correctly).

    Bio dad just married his girlfriend of 18 years.

    I realize this family background sounds unbelievable but sadly its true.  On WB I have seen numerous people claim that “fear of commitment” is not a real thing.  I can attest that it is.  It seems to be stereotyped as a males claim or issue but I am female and have had a very difficult time with forming attachments, being able to trust and greatly fearing the commitment of marriage.  I work hard to overcome these fears and not to be a product of my environment.

    Every famiily has its own difficulties but I do envy those who families appear to be close and their parents decent role models. More than anything I’d love a stable and secure family and I hope to offer that to my future child.

    Post # 64
    Member
    670 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    Even better than “Mostly good”.

    Post # 65
    Member
    1152 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    View original reply
    azf0019 :  Growing up, I thought my parents had a really solid marriage but looking at it now as an adult I realize their relationship was all sorts of f***** up. They went through tough times together including my dad cheating on my mom when they were first dating, an unexpected pregnancy, an abortion, unexpectedly getting pregnant with me (which resulted in their marriage) bankruptcy, the death of a child, and many other things. I thought that they were an incredible couple, despite the hardships and odds that were stacked against them. I viewed it as the “ultimate love” because they stayed together through thick and thin. But then in 2016, a week or so after their 23 year anniversary my mom broke the news to me that my dad had asked for a divorce. It shook my whole world and absolutely flipped it upside down.

    I don’t know why I was so surprised with the news because now looking back, I remember times from when I was a child that my mother had overshared relationship problems with me. She had told me that my dad had said he was unattracted to her, he didn’t find her sexually appealing, that he wasn’t in love any more, and that they hadn’t had sex for a few months. She was venting to me about their hardships, but it was always AFTER they had been resolved. I had never thought much about it at the time, I had just grown up assuming that it was normal for couples to fall in and out of love and that this was just what married couples do.

    But now with the divorce being finalized, I realized this was not a healthy marriage and that they are not a couple that I look up to or admire at all. It came out that my dad definitely had an emotional affair and although he denies it ever became physical, I don’t believe him. I know he also could get really aggressive if he drank too much, and he neglected my mom emotionally and physically as well. My mom was a struggle to live with as well, and she was not perfect in the marriage either although her faults seem a less extreme than my fathers. 

    It absolutely shaped the way I looked at my own marriage. When they announced they were getting a divorce, we were about 11 months away from my own wedding. It sucked, and was extremely difficult. They were in the absolute thick of the divorce when we got married in September of 2017, and while family was civil with each other at the wedding, it was not an ideal situation. It made me terrified for my own marriage right before the wedding becaues at that time I still viewed my parents as this power couple that was never supposed to have a divorce and if it happened to them it would surely happen to me.

    Now I can’t believe I ever thought that. My parents went into a marriage without really wanting to be married, they did it specifically because they got pregnant with me. They never discussed lifelong goals and dreams, and they had a massive breakdown of communication where it became nonexistant. My husband and I didn’t get married because we “had” to, we line up perfectly on goals and dresams and desires, and communication happens at deep levels almost daily. 

    Post # 66
    Member
    1463 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2015 - Holly Hedge Estate

    View original reply
    j9marie :  Wow, that is a LOT! I’m sure you have such a boggled mind thinking about it all now as an adult- like “Where the hell was your mind at!”. And I hear you with the envy on other peoples very happy upbringings 🙁

    I think my parents would have been happy for the rest of their lives. Sadly, my mom passed away fro good ol’ cancer when I was 3. My dad remarried when I was 6. They divorced when I was 8. He met my now stepmom when I was 10 and they married at 12 and are still together. Her and I had a ROUGH time through my teenage years. I was angry and she was strict (happy about that looking back). A could years ago my stepmom and I were having some wine alone on their back deck and she told me she always felt like my biological mom was my dad’s true life-love. Made me really sad to hear her say that, for her sake. They are happy enough, my dad is lazy in his older days and she is very ambitious and gets shit done. But long story short, ages 3-12 were really tough, moving from town to town, school to school. I always wished I had a more stable childhood, even though I got the love. and I wish I knew my mom.

    Post # 67
    Member
    1011 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    Abusive. My father was an alcoholic and put my mother through a lot – physically and emotionally. He finally left when I was 8 so I only have fleeting memories, thankfully my younger brother doesn’t remember him (or their fights). 

    Post # 68
    Member
    505 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    I didn’t vote in the poll because I don’t see an option that fits me. “Mostly Good” isn’t good enough, I don’t see a really good option. They met when they were 14, got married at 19, and they are still together after almost 43 years of marriage. They have been my role models and I can only hope my husband and I have as much laughter as my parents. 

    My sister passed away 6 years ago and my mom said statistically, most couples who lose a child do not stay together. But they are still going very strong and will be together forever, or until the unthinkable happens. 

    Post # 70
    Member
    640 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    They’re still married and enjoy being together. I wouldn’t use it as an example towards my marriage because DH and I are very different from them.

    Post # 71
    Member
    2851 posts
    Sugar bee

    Mine have been married over 40 years. I’ve always hoped if I ever got married, it’d be to someone like my dad and it would be that kind of a true forever relationship. I have zero doubt they’ll be married until death. They did a lot of things right. Growing up, whenever they disagreed, they almost always would retreat to their bedroom and discuss whatever it was behind closed doors. So whatever else was going on, I always felt like I could count on the fact that they were rock solid. They were the foundation.

    They weren’t perfect parents, they aren’t perfect people, and their marriage isn’t perfect, but it is so strong. I hope we can emulate a lot of those things for our children.

    Post # 72
    Member
    1306 posts
    Bumble bee

    I don’t know what to think about my parents marriage.  My dad was a mean drunk, and frequently a holy terror in our home, though it was mostly aimed at us kids. Rarely my mom and never as bad.  But then there were years that he travelled a lot for work and we had some peace.  He was a serial cheater.  I always assumed my mom couldn’t stand him.  There were a lot of years that I sure couldn’t, I kind of despised him, though I started to reconcile those feelings in early adulthood.  

    He died when I was in my early twenties and my mom was devastated.  In talks with my mom over the years I learned that she didn’t hate him or even dislike him at all.  She was still pretty wild for him the whole time they were married.  There were certain behaviors she didn’t like but I think she must have felt like no one is perfect and to her the good was worth the bad.  She knew he was a “bad boy” (cliche but that’s exactly what she’s call him)  when she married him and she had no expectations that he’d ever be anything else.

    I never saw an ounce of affection between them or heard a single I love you.  But they did converse quite a bit.  She told me that he always held her hand when they get were out, always opened the car door, and turns out they were intimate which I never would have guessed.  So I think a lot of their marriage was not visible to me growing up.  It was more private between them.  

    Post # 73
    Member
    137 posts
    Blushing bee

    So bad that I have zero desire to have children. 

    I cherish my peace, and not a day goes by where I take it for granted. 

    Post # 74
    Member
    10093 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    View original reply
    sassy411 :  

    God, and yet , from what I see on these boards,  you turned out  funny and clever . Bloody well done you I say! 

    My parents were married 30 odd years till my father’s death . I believe they were soulmates though mum was never openly demonstrative to him or us, but the light kind of went out for her when he died .  

    Post # 75
    Member
    11280 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    View original reply
    elderbee :  

    Thank you!  That is so sweet of you to say!

    How sad for your mum, but lovely at the same time that what they had was so special.

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