Post # 1
I recently started a thread on what changes when you get engaged (http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/what-changed-once-you-got-engaged). The replies on that got me thinking… I’ve always told Boyfriend or Best Friend that engagement is a big deal because I will be taken more seriously by others as his fiancee. Sometimes when I mention him to people I really want to call him my husband rather than my boyfriend, given that we live together and are serious and all. I get the feeling that people change how they treat you based on whether or not you are engaged/married. How has your experience been? Is this different in different parts of the country, or in rural/urban areas?
Post # 3
@squeak: I’m not engaged yet, but I hope it is true. I hope his family takes me more seriously (You’d think after 4.5 years together they would) but I don’t think they like me very much.
Post # 4
@love108: I’m sorry about that. I hope he will be by your side and ready to stand up to them for you.
Post # 5
Since becoming engaged people do seem to sense that your relationship is more “solid” now, they do a lot more enquiring into your lives too I’ve noticed. I guess it’s because in a relationship you never really know how serious it is (whether just hooking up, open relationship etc) where as engaged, means your getting married etc
If that makes sense?
My future in laws seem to be involving me more too, I guess they have figured I’ll be around for the long haul 😉
Post # 6
Yeah, they don’t treat me terribly, but it’s not like they really like me. He doesn’t really stand up when it’s little things, btu I’m hoping the fact that he proposes will be like a wake up call for them, that’ll be standing up for me in itself.
Post # 7
I live in a rural area, and I got married at a relatively normal age for this area. In that respect I’m kind of part of a club. One of the lucky girls who are “mature” and “settled.” I got my special day, the pretty white dress, I can have babies now, blah blah blah.
But on the other hand, I’m years younger than most women that get married nowadays, and my husband is over 8 years older than me. And almost none of my friends are close to marriage yet. I see a lot of marriage age snobbery amongst unmarried women my age and older. (“You’re immature until you’re X age, then you REALLY know what you want…we’ll see how long THAT marriage lasts!”…that kind of attitude)
So when my friends and I get together, we’re talking about people we went to high school with who are now married, and we’re saying to each other “They’re so young, what are they thinking!” While I’m sitting there, the old married one!
I guess I’ve always felt older, and try to cultivate an adult attitude towards life. Which means that people do treat me differently than they would a clubbing 23 year old or whatever. But when I got engaged and married that effect definitely increased. Marriage comes with a kind of built-in respectability.
ETA: I should add that married adults will probably treat you differently when you’re married because you’re more relatable, and at the same social status.
Post # 8
I dont think there was a huge change when we got engaged, but that was maybe because we werent dating for very long when we did get engaged,so friends and family were still getting used to how we were together as a couple. But now that were married a whole lot has changed! People seem to take your relationship a helluva lot more seriously, and just accpet that its more..permanent I guess?
ETA:I went back to college at 22not long after we got married,and all of my friends at college ask for advice about their BF/GF, and when I offer advoce,they just seem to roll their eyes like “yeah but your married, you couldnt possibly understand a teenagers love problems” lol it makes me laugh that being married automatically makes me old!
Post # 9
I haven’t noticed anything different, but we’ve been together a really really long time and we’re getting married a little late in the game compared to other friends.
I have started calling his mom “mom”/”mother in law” though, already, I just noticed it the other night.
Post # 10
I feel like FI’s family takes me seriously now that we’re going to get married, but that makes sense as we weren’t dating very long before we made the decision.
I am among the first of my friends to be getting married, so I feel like I’ve had to continually prove that this doesn’t mean that I am somehow becoming a different person or abandoning them. Thankfully, I think the message is getting through!
Most strangely to me, some family members who I’ve had almost no contact with my entire life are suddenly being friendly and offering to help with planning. I’ve been politely declining their offers, but I’m still kind of puzzled as to why they’re doing this. Did anyone else experience this in particular?
Post # 11
@apinetree: Invite fishing! 😉 …well, that’s the cynical view.
I think maybe wedding planning, etc, is generally exciting and not something that happens too often (at least, not for our family). They might feel like you could benefit from experience, or just be genuinely interested in helping with a super exciting life change.
Your response is the good one, though!
Post # 12
There’s only one person who seems to treat me differently, and that’s my FI’s grandmother. The first time she saw me after we got engaged, she was much more talkative to me, and just nicer in general. I not sure how long this will last, though.
Random people who meet us and become aware that we’re engaged just seem really excited for us, which is really nice. Like, we were at a restaurant the other night and the waitress literally grabbed my hand and was staring at my ring and just seemed so tickled that we were engaged. Haha. It was cute.
Most people really treat us exactly the same, though.
Post # 13
Aside from everyone and their mom suddenly wanting to know about my life? Lol…
It seemed like my married co-workers started including me in their conversations more, because I could relate better, or at least eventually would be able to.
His parents were very welcoming from the beginning, but after we got engaged they pretty much started treating me like their daughter-in-law. When they got us one hotel room instead of two for his cousin’s wedding, that’s when I knew things had changed 😛
Post # 14
SO and I got engaged and everyone around me is now hypercritical of our relationships. A few of them have been dating their boyfriends for much longer than SO and I have dated, but SO and I have also been friends for over a decade. I’ve known his family for years and we started dating knowing that we were headed towards marriage. A few of the people I know have just been college-dating their SOs and aren’t anywhere close to marriage, despite having dated for longer than we have. I chalk it up to jealousy– let them talk all they want! (Also makes the guest list smaller!)
Post # 15
I think the biggest difference for me is that people have been asking us questions about our future now, such as about buying a home and (more commonly) having children and we are able to answer really openly.
I never really talked about that stuff with people before, or when I did it was like “IF we have children together” as opposed to “WHEN” because I didn’t want to freak SO out haha.
Also, Fiance has been treating me differently. He is looking at a career change at the moment and he’s been including me in all his decisions because it may mean moving to another city or even state. Actually, one of the main reasons he is thinking of a career change is because he doesn’t want to be in the army and be going away a lot when he has his own little family. Aww 😀
I love that he is really seriously considering me and our future kiddies in his choices now 🙂 That makes it feel a lot different to dating.