(Closed) How will I know that this is what he wants?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

((Hugs)) I wish I had some advice for you, but I don’t. All I can offer is my comiseration right along with you. I’m kind of in the same boat, feeling all pissed and sad, like “why isn’t he as excited to spend the rest of his life w/ me, as I am with him?!?!”. It sucks. I’m sorry.

Post # 4
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee

*hugs* no advice *hugs*

Post # 5
Member
450 posts
Helper bee

Feeling the SAME way right now.  My SO also doesn’t bring up marriage unless I initiate the conversation.  I also don’t get any sense whatsoever that he is at all excited about getting engaged/married.  It sucks to feel this way, so I really sympathize with you.  I don’t know too much about your situation, but I can tell you that in my situation he has become very comfortable in the way things are now and I can totally sense that he just doesn’t have the motivation to take us to the next step.  Now I know for a fact that he doesn’t want to lose me, so when it comes down to it he will step up if necssary–but who wants a proposal that is based on a fear of losing the person?  So I just have backed off and I’m going to see what happens by the end of July. 

It’s interesting because my brother is one of those guys who SWORE he would never get married or have kids–all the while his girlfriend of 6 years was dying to take the next step.  Well, I don’t know what happened but out of the blue he did a 180.  He proposed and was EXCITED to announce being engaged to everyone.  He’s even talking about kids now!  I think he also was in a stage where he was just too comfortable–and well his girlfriend lit a small fire under his behind and got him going!  Now he’s all smiles–although he does admit to me that he felt A LOT of pressure to propose.  However, it doesn’t seem to bother him now because he’s genuinly happy to be engaged.

So I guess there is hope.  And I do believe some guys need a little push–not ultimatum, just a push to realize that “hey, she’s not going to wait forever.”   Hang in there, and whenever you feel like you’re about to lose it come on the boards.  They’ve saved me a number of times from screaming my head off! 

Post # 6
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

I don’t have a whole lot of related personal advice, but I know of plenty of happily married men who didn’t really want to get engaged or married, but once they were nudged into proposing were the happiest ever!  I’ve heard 2 different stories in the past month of couples who dated 6+ years before the woman was like “shit or get off the pot” and once they proposed they said it was the best thing they’ve ever done!  These men went on to “evangelize” engagement and marriage to all their friends!  Both those couples have now been married 5+ years and are super super happy.

Me personally, my SO was resistant to the idea before he was ready; now that he’s ready, he’s looking forward to it, but he’s not “excited” about it.  He doesn’t get excited for things until they are 5 minutes away from happening, or are currently happening.  So is your dude an excitable guy?  If not, then I wouldn’t be too worried.  If he does get excited easily about things, then I would want to sit down and have a heart to heart with him, apologize for being “naggy” and then let him know how you really don’t want to pressure him into anything and want to know if this is really what he wants.

Post # 7
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m right there with you. I was feeling really optimistic for a while there–he had said he was going to propose and would start looking for rings etc etc. But then six months went by and I didn’t see any signs that he was thinking about it at all. I brought it up last weekend just to kind of get a gauge for where we were. He got upset and said I brought it up all the time (totally not true, but I do randomly get upset about it) and that for a while things are going well but then I start getting upset and wanting to talk about it etc. But then admitted that he was still concerned that this was a big decision and he didn’t want to make a mistake and didn’t know how to make that type of decision. Which to me means that he doesn’t even know if he wants to marry me. I’m really afraid that if he does it it’s just going to be because we’ve been together so long and he basically doesn’t know what else to do. That really sucks and makes me feel terrible, both about myself and our relationship. 

Right now I’m just waiting out our lease and then I’ll decide what to do. If we’re not engaged by the time that happens (3 months away) I don’t think I can keep doing this. 7 years should be enough time to make this decision and if he honestly still can’t then he probably doesn’t want to be together enough to make me keep waiting on him forever. 

 

Post # 8
Member
1730 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@purplebee:  Sorry you feeling like this.  I’ve gone back and forth feeling okay, just happy we’re together, and feeling down and depressed because we’re not engaged or married, and he seems to have so much fear tied into all of that that I feel (right now at least) that it’ll never happen.  We’ve had a lot of activities lately with the couple we know having a big wedding in a few weeks, so it’s hard to not ahve reminders in my face that we’re not there. We had the bachelorette party this weekend, and while it wasn’t all crazy, it simply made me feel bad by the time the night was over and I was alone in the shower – I always seem to need to cry then.  It was a good night, and it was fun overall, I was just so moody and needed to let it out where Boyfriend or Best Friend can’t see me. 

He’s been making comments lately about beign afraid I’m going to leave him, the next time he does I think I’m going to go ahead and say, if I can get the nerve, “Then marry me already.  The only reason I’d want to leave is that you’re telling me you don’t really want me around or care if I’m here by not doing it, and I’m getting really tired of people asking ME why you haven’t done it, and people looking at us with pity or curiosity and treating us like we’re broken,a nd don’t count as much as a couple since we’re just Boyfriend or Best Friend and Girlfriend.  We’re not in junior high.  I dont want or need a big wedding, I have pretty much no family to invite, and really just want your family and our friends there.  I’d like something small, preferably outisde, and quick.  I don’t need it next week, but in the next year would be really nice – I dont know many girls who say I want to grow up and be unmarried after spending 15 years with one man.”   I’ll probably flub it, by not being able to just SAY it without crying though, or will chicken out.

I just hate starting that converation.  It makes him feel bad, and then I feel bad, he can feel I’m pushing him too hard and an argument gets started, and I feel it never gets anywhere, and PMS always makes em feel 100x worse about everything, this included, so this week is a no-no for any serious discussion.  He’s really stressed right now about work, our friends’ wedding coming up, and things going on in his family, so I’ve been biting my tongue, being quiet so as not to be nagging.  I just seem to not have the right words to make that fire push him towards making it happen.  My fire under him seems to only push it away.  Sorry – still hormonaly moody.

Purplebee – hopefully you’ll be back in the ok-stage of wating soon, or he’ll surprise you.  I bet you’ve not got too much longer – just type on here when it gets too bad. 

 

Post # 10
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

I have found that being uber-straightforward about it then backing off as much as possible and being happy and fun again has helped. Now, he brings it up on his own (never before!) and has been held appointments with a few choice jewelers on his own. 

Post # 11
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

my fiance was the same way for about the first 2 years of our relationship. We went and looked at rings together, and I kinda felt like I did the same (made him). I thought is he even going to be excited when he does do it (we knew we wanted to get married, but never in the right place financially & we lived 200 miles apart our whole relationship)?? But all of a sudden, not sure what happened he changed. Last April we looked at rings and both found one that we loved. From that day on, he was different. He saved up and proposed last August and was very happy & excited. He even had his mom throw together an engagement party the next day for us that was a surprise. He dragged me around all night (was his town’s summer festival) and told EVERYONE!

So- all I am saying is IF ITS MEANT TO BE, IT WILL BE. He will change once he knows that he probably CAN afford it or once he realizes that you will still be “you” when you are engaged and wont go all crazy bridezilla on him. 🙂

Post # 13
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

*hugs*

Post # 14
Member
1730 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@purplebee: men are often of few words about “mushy” stuff.  While we are waxing poetic about the future, they have one sentence.  It’s good he responded simply.  Anyhting else would probably mean he’s waffling a bit. 

 

🙂

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