Post # 1
My Darling Husband and I were married on May 7 so everything is still just a bit fresh and maybe I’m overreacting which is why I’m coming here: for some outside perspective to see if my feelings are justified or if I’m being too sensitive since emotions are still a little high.
We had a wonderful day but I’m a bit hurt by my brother and his fiancee. My brother was a groomsman in our wedding. His best friend got married on the same day as my Darling Husband and I. My brother and his Fiance attended our ceremony (obviously) and less than an hour into the reception they left to make it to his best friend’s reception. They didn’t stay for even the cake cutting – and they didn’t exactly slip out quietly, either. i knew exactly when they were leaving because they made a big point of going around and telling everyone goodbye – they didn’t exactly cause a scene, but if they were going to leave so early i would have preferred that they be a little more discreet about it because it hurt my feelings that they left so early. had they left more quietly, i may not have even noticed how early it was due to being caught up in the party (i can certainly see how i may be overthinking this one, though). it just seemed like they felt they were ‘too cool’ to be there and couldn’t wait to leave and make a big show about leaving. of course, as with any other situation, there are a lot of other little side stories that have cropped up in the past year of planning that add more to the story and pile on to this particular hurt, but it would take forever to outline them here so i’ll just stick with the events of the day.
Now. he and his Fiance are getting married this weekend, three weeks after us. no big deal, i totally understand we only get one day, not a whole month, etc. etc. so the proximity of their wedding to ours is not the issue. would i prefer there be a bit more of a gap? yes but it is what it is. the issue is that it seems like i am expected to be bending over backwards to help them. I’m not sure why this expectation is falling so heavily on me since they didn’t participate in anything for us. i know weddings aren’t tit-for-tat and people do things because they WANT to and not out of obligation. but shouldn’t that go both ways?
i’m not in their wedding party but was invited to the rehearsal dinner afterward. they are doing a pre-dinner carriage ride around town at 5pm. when i said i won’t be able to make it to carriage ride part Friday and would meet them at the restaurant (because I work until 5:00) it was suggested that i just ask if i can leave work a few minutes early (can’t do that bc i just came back from our own wedding!) or if i could just bring my clothes to work and change and come straight from there. and when they called my mother in a panic this morning bc they just found out that their decorator would not be staying after the wedding to help take the decor down, my mom suggested, “oh, Anon will be happy to help do that! don’t you worry about it!” …..so i’m supposed to not only stay until the VERY end of their reception when they left mine immediately but also to be the clean-up crew??
I know i may sound like a brat here (and please feel free to give me a verbal smackdown if so) but i’m just A: SO hurt at how flippant they were about our wedding and B: really PISSED that no one seems to care and even expects me to be jumping up and down to try and help them.
i’m writing this just as much to vent and see if anyone else has dealt with a similar situation as i am to get your perspectives on whether or not i’m being too sensitive.
if i’m being too sensitive, please give me a different perspective to help me stop with the anger/pity party i’ve been feeling. if you do think my feelings are valid, how do i get over it and let it go? please help!
Post # 2
anon1234098: Did you know that they would be leaving your wedding early? Or did they just up and leave and it was a shock to you?
I think you have every right to be hurt and I probably wouldnt give in to demands or requests. Family weddings trump friends, always, ESPECIALLY if it’s a sibling. However, it sounds like it was your mom who offered up your help – not them. I would have just told your mom that you would be unable to stay and help.
Post # 3
You are being a bit of a brat. Yes, they left your wedding early, but that is OVER. If you don’t want to help, say so!
“No, I can’t leave work early to help you.”
“No, I won’t be staying late to help you” etc.
I wouldn’t want to do do those things, regardless of whether they came to my wedding or not lol.
Post # 4
Well… I would be upset if my brother left my wedding and I am sure my mom would not be too pleased either. I would let my brother know how I felt and how I was hurt and maybe that way it can be easier for you to move on and hopefully forget about it. It happened, it cannot be taken back so I would just try to move on and focus on the good that happened at your wedding.
Post # 5
anon1234098: You must have known about your broither’s dilemma with two weddings on the same day for some time. Did you not have time to get used to the idea that he was going to have to split his time between you and his best friend, before your wedding?
Many people will think he was being polite saying his goodbyes rather than sneaking out of your wedding. If he had done that, your guests may have wondered if there had been some sort of incident or problem.
As far as your brother’s wedding is concerned, maybe I am just dense this morning, but they seem to want you at the carriage ride and rehearsal dinner, and it was your Mom who offered your help with the decor teardown, not them. How is this a problem?
Post # 6
In short, yes, I think you’re being too sensitive.
Post # 7
It doesn’t sound to me that they were flippant about your wedding, they attended the ceremony and part of the reception. I would understand them leaving to attend part of his best friend’s wedding. They did attend the most important part of your wedding and missed out on the most important part of his best friend’s wedding so I definitely think you were shown priority. I mean, cake cutting is not that important to be honest… so I can see why they left when they did.
I don’t think you should feel obligated to help take down stuff at the end of their wedding though, especially if you weren’t asked to do so ahead of time by your actual brother and not just offered up by your mom. But, I wouldn’t NOT help just because they left your reception early, that just isn’t a good attitude to have. If you don’t want to stay and help then don’t but make it because you just don’t want to, not as a way to get back at them for something you perceived they did wrong.
Also, I think it would have been weird if they just snuck out rather than saying goodbye to people. If my brother did that and snuck out to leave for another wedding, I would think that would be quite rude.
Post # 8
weatherbug: I have the same question.
If you KNEW they were leaving early then honestly, I think you should have prepared yourself and put your foot down about what was important to you when you had a chance. You’ve missed that chance and you don’t get to be upset over the result when you didn’t make any effort to change the outcome.
I, personally, would have made them choose a wedding to go to. Does it suck that his best friend got married the same day? Yes, but they chose that day so they should have been prepared to accept that a few people may not make it, especially if said people had a FAMILY member getting married that day. I think it was out of line for your brother to go to his BF’s wedding at all and I would have made that clear. A little communication between you, your brother and your brother’s Boyfriend or Best Friend could have stopped all of this most likely. Unless ALL of you were DEAD set on that date, I’m sure one of you had wiggle room 1.5 years ago during the planning process to avoid conflicting dates.
I wouldn’t even go to the reherseal dinner not because of the “tit-for-tat” mentality, but because I refuse to do anything Fridays after work. I’m miserable and just want to go home, lol. No rehersal dinner will change my mind. They could have done it the week before.
I’d still go to their wedding, though, but if I wanted to leave early, I’d do just that, lol. Courtesy begets courtesy. IF I was having a great time, I’d stay as there’s no sense holding a grudge regardless of how valid your feelings are, but I’d be less likely to be overly considerate if they “did” that to me on my wedding.
Post # 9
weatherbug: thank you for the validation – i feel like sibling’s weddings should be important, too, which is why it still stings. i didn’t know that they would be leaving early so it did put a damper on the night when i realized what was happening. i knew his best friend’s wedding was on the same day and that they’d mentioned meeting up with them for their after party so i was surprised.
you’re right that my mom did actually offer the help but they jumped at the chance to take her up on her offer of my help. i guess just the fact that they think it’s OK and is something i’d be remotely interested in doing makes me mad bc of how flippant they were toward us. but you’re right – it’s not their fault that she offered.
scissorgirl: thank you for the reality check. i completely agree that it’s over and done with and wish i could just let it go, but i’ve really been dwelling on it and getting more hurt and angry the past week. i know that’s not healthy and normal – any tips on how you let things go once they’re over and done with?
Post # 10
I’m sorry, but I think for the most part you are inventing reasons to be upset. I don’t see the problem with him leaving your reception early under the circumstances. How big was your wedding? Were you going to talk to your brother all evening? Clearly not, since you said you might not have even noticed him leaving if he did it quietly. And I am not sure why he was supposed to slink off silently. It’s a little rude to take off from an event without saying goodbye to people. When I leave a wedding or any other kind of party and some people are still there I may not be able to say goodbye to everyone, but I say it to as many people as I can if I’m close with them or owe them some kind of respect, like an older relative.
I can see how you’re a little pissed that your cleaning services are being offered, but that seems more like a problem with your mom. The question whether you can get off work early for rehearsal dinner is innocuous. Just say, “Hey, I tried, can’t, sorry, I’ll be there as soon as I can!”
I think you do care about their wedding being only three weeks after yours because you even said you’d prefer more of a gap. So you’re a little disingenuous when you say that’s not the issue. I think these are all things you need to move on from.
Post # 11
Honestly, you are being too sensitive. They had two weddings, why wouldn’t they want to see their best friend too? You had (i’m guessing) plenty of other guests at your wedding, so why are you so hurt they left? Are you positive not one single other person left earlier then you liked either?
As for the date, you said it, you get one day. Them taking 3 weeks in between shouldn’t even be an issue.
If you don’t want to help tear down, then say NO! You are an adult, you are allowed to disagree and stand up for yourself! Same with the dinner. Say no, I’ll see you at the restaurant. You don’t need to give in to these people.
Post # 12
anon1234098: Sounds like you should be directing your anger about being volunteered to clean up at your mom, not your brother. She’s the one that dropped that in your lap. If you don’t want to clean up, let him know and tell your mom it wasn’t okay for her to sign you up for it like that. They reached out for help, if you don’t want to “jump up and down” for whatever reason then tell them. This has absolutely nothing to do with your wedding.
As for leaving early…you’re being ridiculous. It’s not every day that your best friend gets married, and he found a compromise so he could support both of you on the same day.
You know very well that it would have been very rude for them to leave without saying goodbye to friends and family, and way more distracting for you if the other guests spent the rest of the reception asking you “Hey, where did Mike and Rosie go?” or trying to find them. Sounds like you’re just mad the spotlight was taken off of you for .025 seconds. Literally no one but you (and your husband) deeply cares/cared about your wedding, so stop taking something like that so personally.
Post # 13
anon1234098: Yes, you’re being oversensitive and petty it sounds like. “it just seemed like they felt they were ‘too cool’ to be there and couldn’t wait to leave and make a big show about leaving.” — This is you seeing the situation through bride-colored glasses. His best friend was getting married. That does not equate to “felt they were too cool.” It equates to trying to manage two huge expectations on the same day. And it was normal and expected that he would say goodbye to all his relatives. If you don’t want to help, say no. But you should try to put aside the petty animosity for the good of your long-term relationship. They didn’t do anything wrong, either at your wedding, or planning theirs.
Post # 14
I don’t see the problem. I think he did the best that he could given that his sister and his best friend were getting married on the same day. It’s wasn’t just some other friend, but his *best* friend. Honestly, sometimes I feel that my friends are closer to me than my own sibilings, but family is family so of cousre you have to do what is right by them. Personally, I don’t see anythign wrong with asking if you could TRY to make it. Leaving a few minutes early on a Friday or bring clothes to change out of work clothes is not asking that much. I think you’re just being a brat about it cause he had to leave your reception early. If you dont want to go cause you dont want to be inconvinenced at all, at least just own up to that and not look for “excuses” that you just absolutely cant make it.
Post # 15
A: SO hurt at how flippant they were about our wedding
Yep, totally overreacting. It was his best friend and I am sure they warned you before.
EDIT: Since you claim you didn’t know he would leave earlier, I understand how your feelings might be a bit hurt but I would seriously let it go. He was there for most important part – your ceremony. Cheer up 🙂
B: really PISSED that no one seems to care and even expects me to be jumping up and down to try and help them
That I would be pissed off about as well. Not at them though, at your mother because she was the one who volunteered you without your consent. If you really don’t want to help them, you should let them asap so they can ask someone else.