Post # 16
just to clarify, i didn’t know that they would be leaving early. i knew his best friend’s wedding was on the same day and that they’d mentioned meeting up with them for their after party, so that’s what i expected would happen.
thanks for all of the feedback and replies. i suspected that i might be too sensitive since emotions are a bit high right now.
does anyone have any good tips on how to just let things go when you’re dwelling on something bc of high emotions? i’d like to be able to be more rational when my feelings get hurt…
Post # 17
I wouldn’t be upset they left early, however I would be upset they don’t understand that no, I can’t leave work early means just that. And I would get upset at your mom for throwing your name out there to clean, and just tell them you can’t do it. Because no.
Post # 18
Go for a nice walk and think about all the good things about your wedding, including the fact that your brother and his fiancee were in fact able to attend. Be thankful they were there at your ceremony, life is short and unpredictable. You are lucky to have the memory of them being there. That’s how I would get over this.
Post # 19
anon1234098: I’m not sure why you were that upset that your brother left early. He stayed for a good chunk of the wedding (ceremony & reception).
In terms of getting over it, I would just have a discussion with your mom and tell her that you won’t be in the clean up crew. You have the choice of telling her to inform your brother or that you can inform him yourself.
From what you are telling us, it doesn’t seem like they are expecting you to bend over backwards. They just want you to participate in the pre-wedding festivities. You already told them No, so it’s not as if you are obligated to do anything. And if they keep badgering you, you just need to say No.
Post # 20
My husband’s brother disappeared for a nap at our wedding. I didn’t miss him though to be honest.
Given the same situation as your brother, I would have probably stayed for the ceremony and the meal with the family but I would have also liked to watch my best friend. So I would have left early. I would have probably let you know in advance but I’d have gone and been pissed if you told me you were more important or that I had to wait until a specific time. I would have also said goodbye to people because they’re my relatives too and I don’t want to be rude to them. It sucks and I would have tried not to disturb you but I would have still liked to say goodbye to people.
As for the pre-ceremony things, even though you’re not in the bridal party it seems like they want to celebrate with you. Yes they couldn’t celebrate the whole time with you but it doesn’t stop them wanting to celebrate with you now, perhaps even more. If you don’t want to help after the wedding, don’t. Tell your mother and ask her not to volunteer you. It doesn’t need to be petty you can just say “I’m catching up on a lot of stuff at work having been away and stuff and I’m really tired and don’t think I’ll be up to helping”.
Post # 21
Can’t they ask their wedding party to help with cleanup? I mean…you’re not included in their wedding right?
BUT….it is your brother and we all do things we’d rather not for family but I don’t agree with being a people pleaser when respect isn’t earned.
As far as your wedding goes….it sucks they left early BUT they were there for the important part…the ceremony, when you got married! I would bet they were trying to be polite by saying goodbye to everyone, knowing they would be seeing most of those people very soon at their own wedding. Could they have been more discrete? Probably but who cares.
As for the whole leaving work early thing…No means no and stick to your guns. They left your wedding early but want to participate in all their events to the max? Nope.
Post # 22
I can’t say I blame your brother for leaving the reception early. He had TWO weddings to attend in one day. I think he did his best to accomodate both parties by attending your ceremony and an hour into the reception.
If you are unable or not interested in helping your brother clean up after his own reception thats a discussion you will need to have with him. But I don’t think you should decline the task simply because you are hurt that he left your reception early. He had good reason to! Poor guy being being stretched between his sister and best friend.
You need to realize that your brother did the best he could. There were no major consequences of his actions. He didn’t ruin your wedding day. Next step is to forgive and let go of any grudges and move on.
Post # 23
The only one you’ve got a legitimate gripe with is your mother, who volunteered you to be the cleaning crew. The rest of it is stuff that really you should not be getting upset over. I’m sure your brother wasn’t thrilled that your wedding and his friend’s wedding were on the same day but he made the best of it and tried to make it work. he wasn’t being unreasonable to say his goodbyes as he left, unless he had a megaphone and shouted BYE LOSERS over your music. I won’t even address the timing of his wedding 3 weeks after yours because that’s just silly. Tell your mom not to make commitments for you and let the rest of it go.
Post # 24
You’re over reacting. Sounds like your brother was trying to balance your wedding and his best friend’s wedding. I am sure he wishes they had been on different days, but given the situation, he prioritized your ceremony and stayed for some of your reception and then left to try to spend an hour or two with his best friend on his wedding day. That is entirely reasonable. He seems to have simply tried to do the best he could for you and his friend and probably already feels bad that he couldn’t be there fully for each of you…which was impossible.
I would be annoyed if people were volunteering me for work, but that sounds like a discussion you need to have with your mom.
Post # 25
Your brother was trying his best to accommodate his best friend and you. I think you’re ridiculous to harbor hurt feelings and resentment because of that.
Post # 26
thank you to everyone for taking the time to reply. i can see that i’m overreacting to this particular emotionally-charged scenario based on things that have happened in the past. (i’m going to use this post to try and work some stuff out so will probably delete it later, but reading the other perspectives is making me feel better for now, so here goes).
i’m sure, based on my overreaction in this scenario, it won’t be a surprise to hear that my brother and i have had our issues in the past. he is very entitled and self-centered. despite this, we’ve had a fine (not perfect, but decent) relationship until not long after he met his Fiance. she is very competitive and narcissistic and has the same sense of entitlement that he does and the two of them together don’t exactly build each other up. since they’ve been together, our relationship has been strained. they are very demanding of everyone’s time and attention for events/instances where they are the center of attention but they never return the favor to others.
i guess i’m now realizing that our wedding scenario was really a mircrocosm of the bigger picture of what i’ve dealt with with him — isn’t that usually the case when a seemingly small even gets blown out of proportion and someone (in this case, me) becomes overly emotional?
he is very “me me me” and has always thought of himself as better than everyone else. i tend to get stepped over at times so that he gets appeased. which i’m realizing now is why i’ve made such a big deal and can’t stop dwelling on this situation.
i see that from the outside it seems perfectly reasonable. Yes, of course, he would want to attend both his sister and his friend’s wedding on the same day! but, to me, it’s another example of a situation where he tries to make something for me all about him. i do see now that that’s not exactly what he’s doing – he just expects me to drop everything for him when he would not at all do the same for me.
this has been going on before our weddings and will continue to go on after, so why wouldn’t it have happened during, as well? i need to learn to let his actions bother me less. i don’t know exactly what the best way to do this is….
thank you all for helping me reach this realization.
Post # 27
No real advice on how to move on, but just think about your best friend. Wouldn’t you be devastated if she couldn’t come to your wedding because she had another one to go to? I’m sure you’d be sad. But if she said she could pop by for the end I bet it would make you SO happy. It sounds like your brother was just trying to make both of you happy! Ultimately, you got the better end of the bargain – he was a groomsman, in the ceremony, in the photos, etc. I would try to think about that!
From your recent update though, it sounds like ‘thats just him being him’, so if you are able to brush it off, you’ll be so much better off. Less stress for you.
Post # 28
Lower your expectations of him.
And tell your mom she had no right to offer your cleanup services, and you won’t be doing it. She can inform your brother if she’d like, or she can clean up herself.
Post # 29
OP, clearly you know your brother better than we do, so if he and his Fiance are self-centered people that sucks, but nothing about his actions in the situations you’ve described to us strikes me as self-centered. Maintain perspective, breathe, and put these perceived slights out of your mind. That is literally the only way to handle things like this – change your own frame of mind and choose to interpret these things differently.
Post # 30
I’m kind of with you and also think you need to let some stuff go.
If my best friend were getting married, I would 100% be at my sibs wedding, and dinner, and part of the reception… but I would also duck out to the other reception at some point. Lets face it, he was probably asked to be Best Man and had to turn his buddy down so he could be with his family! That would be hard, as much as it was the right thing to do.
Could they have left more discreetly? sure. But they probably didn’t want to come off as rude to your family members. I think you need to let that slide.
now, as for the rehearsal dinner bit: get there when you can, don’t ask to leave work if it’s really impossible.. but make sure that you are genuine in your inability to be there, and not just being sore about their reception behaviour
FINALLY: totally not cool for your mom to volunteer you like that. Is she also staying behind to help? is anyone else? that’s a job for your brother and his Fiance to figure out, not for you to get stuck doing (do you have a car that will support all that stuff? where are you taking it? is it labour intensive? Can they hire someone to take down the reception for $100?)
ETA: sorry saw your update. I’m glad you’ve come to terms with the reception.. the rest of my post still stands!