- 7 years ago
- Wedding: May 2013
I’m not sure where else to post this, so please forgive me if this post is misplaced (or if it’s just kinda stupid :/ ).
SO’s older brother called the other night to tell us that he and his wife are expecting their first child. Their baby will be the first grandchild for both sets of parents, and everyone who knows is incredibly excited. SO got off the phone and was utterly beaming. I really, really wanted to be stoked and squealing alongside him, but my heart literally felt like it was being crushed into a million pieces.
The thing is I’ve been diagnosed with endometriosis, and I’m not sure if I will be able to have children. My mom has it too, and my parents tried for seven years and countless fertility treatments, etc. to have me, so I know I could be in for challenges. SO and I are not ready for children any time soon, but seeing him so happy about a baby and knowing that I/we might not have a choice about having a baby of our own makes me feel like my body is broken and useless and revolting against me. SO knows about my diagnosis and has always been incredibly supportive. I think in his moment of joy he kind of forgot – and I don’t blame him! This will be his first niece or nephew, and I’m glad to see him so excited for his brother and SIL.
I tried so hard not to cry in front of him, but instead my emotions came out as anger. I was a total PITA for the rest of the day because I felt like I couldn’t remind him about my “issue” without ruining his joy. At the end of the night though, I simply couldn’t hold it in anymore and I bawled in his arms. We had a good long talk, and I was able to explain that I’m not trying to be a drama queen, but I really am hurting. I felt like a thousand pounds were lifted off my chest after we talked, but that little tinge is still lurking deep in my stomach.
My question is, next month we are planning to go to a big family gathering for his grandmother. SO insists we will be engaged by then (so we can tell everyone our awesome news in person). However, I also know his brother and SIL will also have their big news to share. I’m not worried about spotlighting or any silly business like that–there is more than enough love to go around. I’m just wondering: How would you gracefully handle the issue of SIL’s pregnancy when talking to family if you felt like your heart was burning into ash inside of you every time anyone mentioned it? Or what happens when the conversation turns to me and SO and people start asking when we’ll be starting a family?
I really am so very excited for her–they wanted a baby so so badly. I just don’t want my pain to come off as cattiness or petty jealousy. Yes, I do hope I will be able to get pregnant that easily if SO and I go the baby-making route, but I know she will be a wonderful and loving mother, and her baby will be lucky to have her for a mom. When you’re really hurting, what is the best way to graciously show your excitement, support, and awe?
I would really appreciate your advice. Oh, and thanks for listening 🙂