(Closed) How would you cope?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 1
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Hi bees,

I’m not sure where else to post this, so please forgive me if this post is misplaced (or if it’s just kinda stupid :/ ).

SO’s older brother called the other night to tell us that he and his wife are expecting their first child. Their baby will be the first grandchild for both sets of parents, and everyone who knows is incredibly excited. SO got off the phone and was utterly beaming. I really, really wanted to be stoked and squealing alongside him, but my heart literally felt like it was being crushed into a million pieces.

The thing is I’ve been diagnosed with endometriosis, and I’m not sure if I will be able to have children. My mom has it too, and my parents tried for seven years and countless fertility treatments, etc. to have me, so I know I could be in for challenges. SO and I are not ready for children any time soon, but seeing him so happy about a baby and knowing that I/we might not have a choice about having a baby of our own makes me feel like my body is broken and useless and revolting against me. SO knows about my diagnosis and has always been incredibly supportive. I think in his moment of joy he kind of forgot – and I don’t blame him! This will be his first niece or nephew, and I’m glad to see him so excited for his brother and SIL.

I tried so hard not to cry in front of him, but instead my emotions came out as anger. I was a total PITA for the rest of the day because I felt like I couldn’t remind him about my “issue” without ruining his joy. At the end of the night though, I simply couldn’t hold it in anymore and I bawled in his arms. We had a good long talk, and I was able to explain that I’m not trying to be a drama queen, but I really am hurting. I felt like a thousand pounds were lifted off my chest after we talked, but that little tinge is still lurking deep in my stomach.

My question is, next month we are planning to go to a big family gathering for his grandmother. SO insists we will be engaged by then (so we can tell everyone our awesome news in person). However, I also know his brother and SIL will also have their big news to share. I’m not worried about spotlighting or any silly business like that–there is more than enough love to go around. I’m just wondering: How would you gracefully handle the issue of SIL’s pregnancy when talking to family if you felt like your heart was burning into ash inside of you every time anyone mentioned it? Or what happens when the conversation turns to me and SO and people start asking when we’ll be starting a family?

I really am so very excited for her–they wanted a baby so so badly. I just don’t want my pain to come off as cattiness or petty jealousy. Yes, I do hope I will be able to get pregnant that easily if SO and I go the baby-making route, but I know she will be a wonderful and loving mother, and her baby will be lucky to have her for a mom. When you’re really hurting, what is the best way to graciously show your excitement, support, and awe?

I would really appreciate your advice. Oh, and thanks for listening 🙂

TeenyB

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Post # 3
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Just be happy for them, smile through the pain

Post # 4
Hostess
18644 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m sorry about your diagnosis.  I have the same problems as you and will probably have a tough time getting pregnant.

I don’t think that getting engaged will one up his brother.  A baby lasts forever and a wedding is only one day after all.  How long do you think your engagement will be?  I think as long as you don’t have the wedding right at the time when the baby would be due, there shouldn’t be any problems.

If people ask you about your future plans with babies, tell them that you don’t want to discuss it and that it’s rude for them to ask.  I know Mrs. Bee had a post about this somewhere, I will see if I can find it.

Post # 5
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m thankful to say that I’m not worried about one upmanship. SO’s family is *incredibly* loving and they seem to really enjoy celebrating every (wonderful) little thing that happens. In fact, I’m not really keen on being the center of attention (even though SO loves it), so in one way I’m glad BIL/SIL have some news to share, so there’s someone else to fawn over 😛

SO wants his brother to be his best man, and I anticipate their little bundle will be about 4-6 months old by the time SO and I get married. I know it’s silly to worry about “will they be able to come,” because I know SO’s brother wouldn’t miss our wedding for the world.

I’m just worried about fielding the first extended family gathering with so much good going on. It sounds SO silly to be worried about so much good stuff happening, but I really don’t want everyone to think I’m upset or being a priss when I really mean well.

Post # 6
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

It seems like you have a magnificent SO and you talked about your concerns.. I think what you are doing so far is OK , when you see them I think you will be happy for them and it will be a lot easier than you are predicting

Post # 6
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

DBL post

Post # 7
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

((Hugs))I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this.

I know how difficult and painful endometriosis can be.My best friend has it as well. She has had multiple surgeries to remove scar tissue and many cysts. We have spent nights in the er when her blood filled cysts burst. She has had her eggs harvested and frozen twice. Her doctors told have told her since she was 16 to have a hysterectomy.

Then after all of this 3 years ago I get a hysterical crying phone call from her. She was pregnant. Out of the blue. While taking birth control! We call her son the miracle baby.

There is hope for you as well. It may take some time to get pregnant but it is not impossible! 

Post # 8
Member
46332 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

First of all, you have a month to get used to the idea before the next family gathering.

It must be very hard to hear that kind of news, even though you are happy for them, when you know you may have a hard time conceiving yourself. Not impossible but maybe hard.

I would  only encourage you to focus on your happiness for them and not let your possible future difficulties suck the joy out of their announcement.

Post # 9
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@teenybird: Hi TeenyB – don’t give up hope.  My sister was also diagnosed with endometriosis and told she probably would not be able to have children, yet here she is years later with two girls and a boy, and her last one she had when she was 39 years old!  She did not have to undergo any fertility treatments either; she never really planned any of them.  Hopefully, when you are ready to plan your family, you will not have any undue problems conceiving.

So keep that chin up and revel in the fact that you are going to be an aunt (it’s incredibly fun to be an aunt, I can tell you)!  Celebrate the news at the family gathering and then, after they have all oohed and ahhd about the upcoming  baby, that will be the time (if you are comfortable) to share your news about your engagement.  It will just add another wonderful moment for everyone to enjoy.

Take care!

Eclaire

Post # 10
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Wow – thanks to everyone for such quick and thoughtful responses. It’s reassuring, and even though the possibility of kids is there, I think I’m a little bit of a pessimist sometimes. The reminder of hope helps.

I really hope that it will be a lot easier than it seems after I’ve had a month to let it set in how great this news really is for all of us. I’m trying to use positive mental imagery to imagine myself next month giving SIL and BIL huge hugs and feeling a smile on my face…my dad always says if you see yourself doing it, it can happen.

Post # 11
Member
5423 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2012

If it helps, a friend of mine has the same thing and was able to conceive twice, rather easily considering.  Hope is not lost.

Post # 12
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

My heart goes out for you.  My SIL and sister have been diagnosed with it.  My sister has one child.  My SIL is not ready to start trying yet (isn’t sure if she wants to).  I am aware I might have issues conceiving myself.

I’d say it depends on how pushy people are and how polite you wish to be.  For example, my SIL got tired of comments asking when she’d have a baby and finally said, “How do you even know I can have kids?”  Needless to say, that shut someone up permanently, but I don’t advise that tactic on sweet Grandma.  I’d grin and bear when you see them, and try to be excited about the baby.  Some point later, consider sharing your health history story with your SIL/MIL so they understand why it’s a difficult subject for you. 

@MrsSaltWaterTaffy: A baby lasts forever and a wedding is only one day after all.

True, a wedding is only one day – but a marriage is forever!  Both babies and marriages are important in their own special and unique ways.

Post # 13
Member
4415 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I had the same problem 13 years ago.  I wanted so badly to be truly happy for my bother and SIL when they told us she was expecting. But the pain was almost unbearable.  My ex-husband and I had been trying to have a baby, even to the point of having several IUI’s, and it felt like a bunch in the gut when they made their announcement. 

I know this probably won’t help, but you have to remain positive. I truly believe in the power of positive thinking. You do NOT know that you can’t have children, and there is no reason at this point to assume that you can’t. Endometriosis does not always mean infertility. Keep reminding yourself that you aren’t ready to have children at this point, and try not to borrow trouble you don’t even know will happen. 

The only thing you can do is hold onto hope. Smile, and be happy for them, and have faith that your time for children is in the future. 

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