Post # 1
So, apparently I need to do a serious clean up of my facebook and re-think who’s on my friends list because someone not so close to me messaged me a picture asking if the ring in the picture was similar to one my ex (from 9 years ago) gave me as a promise ring. I didn’t think anything of it at first because 3 stone white gold diamond rings are pretty common.
It looked eerily similar to the one I’d given back to my ex-boyfriend (I didn’t want it, asked him if he wanted it back and he picked it up years after we’d broken up).
You know where this is going, yeah you.
Turns out his wife’s engagement ring is the promise ring I’d given back to him. I said “that looks exactly like the ring I gave back to ex” and then it dawned on me why this person was asking. Because my ex used the promise ring he gave to me to propose to his now wife. Am I bothered? I don’t know. I don’t know how I should feel or how to react. Maybe because I’m past the numbness I felt all those years back when he sought to destroy me in every possible way, and almost succeeded.
So the truth? I feel nothing. I obviously feel bad for his wife getting the bad luck charm I call that ring (Because it was bad luck for us from the beginning) but that’s it. I feel nothing and I’m wondering if I should feel more? Am I heartless? Should I care?
I’ve been married two years and now have a daughter, there’s so much more to my life yet someone (now deleted off my fb) had to bring this up to me like it would cause chaos.
So the question: how would you feel?
Post # 2
ladyvk : i would go with your lack of feeling for now. Feelings can be so damn complex. You’re worried about the fact that you don’t have any feelings at all (I can relate to this on every level, my anxiety has my prepare for any and all feelings that I could possibly have down the line, and yes, I ALSO worry that I’m not feeling enough 😆)
I really don’t know how I would feel. You are feeling annoyed that this was dumped in your lap to possibly start something which is totally understandable. And your lack of feelings could really be due to the fact that you’ve moved on and done so much healing
So, try not to analyze your feelings about it, or in this case, your lack of feelings and just deal with them IF they arise
Post # 3
Hmm wait so his now-fiancee reached out to you to ask if her new engagement ring was, in fact, the promise ring your ex gave you years ago? Do I have that right? Or was the person reaching out an unrelated third party that’s just crazy nosy and remembers things to an insane degree?
I’d just feel weirded out they reached out to me about it. But other than that, I’d probably feel somewhat similar to you. I’d feel bad for her, definitely. But, as you know, there’s nothing for you to do in this situation (expect use it as a reminder of the awesome path you went down instead).
How weird he kept it after all these years.
Post # 4
I would feel nothing about it. I’d just delete the message and not even bother responding.
Post # 5
californiasun : An unrelated third party who was probably trying to stir the pot
They’ve been married for quite a while, I suspect they got engaged after I gave it back to him some years ago. I recall him mentioning that’s what it was for but I didn’t take him seriously and didn’t care because I figured he wanted to hurt me at the time.
(Sidenote: he’s kept tabs on me and lurked my instagram stories relentlessly for a while until I made my insta private)
Post # 6
ladyvk : I think if I were in your shoes I’d feel bad for the wife for a minute, think even less of the ex than I already did, and move on. You say you feel nothing, which I don’t really believe since you’re posting here, but if you do really feel nothing that’s fine, I don’t see why you’re questioning if you should feel a certain way about this?
Post # 7
anonbee123123 : I usually have a much stronger emotional reaction to this kind of stuff and the fact that I’m not having one is… odd for me.
I guess it shows how much I’ve grown up (or maybe my medication change has adjusted my emotion explosions, who knows)
Post # 8
If you think you’re heartless for not caring then I must be the devil incarnate. I wouldn’t care. At all. I feel bad for the new wife. I wonder if she knows.
You have a family now, I would leave the past in the past and not even sweat it. Thankfully he isn’t your problem anymore!
Post # 9
Ah, gotcha–my bad. Ugh, what a lil creep. Great call to make your insta private!!
Post # 10
if anything, i feel bad with for his wife that she got a recycled ring from your broken relationship. the fact that you don’t feel anything means that you have moved on– which is good!
Post # 11
ladyvk : I would feel like the person who sent the message is immature and small minded. Then I would forget about it and enjoy my life.
Post # 12
Why would you expect to care? I wouldn’t care other than probably feeling a little bad for the wife. But I wouldn’t respond to the message, I’d delete it and forget it.
Post # 13
Couldn’t have said it better myself. mel2 :
Post # 14
You could be dissociating a little, which is normal when something brings up a less than pleasant memory. I’d give yourself permission to feel numb, but be aware that doing so sometimes triggers a release of the emotions underneath. If that happens, just remember that it is a good thing, it means the issue is resolving. Be kind to yourself—whatever you’re feeling is okay.
Part of the confusion you’re feeling might come from an inability to know what to feel in this situation, anger at your ex for recycling the ring, anger at the third party who decided to pass this along (not a caring move, imho), grief at this reminder of how the relationship ended, or apathy because of how separate from your ex you have become. Give it time, and don’t try to force yourself to justify your feelings or reject them if they don’t fit into a certain mold. They will untangle in time 🙂
Post # 15
- Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI
You must care on some level as you went to the trouble of posting about it. I would have thought to myself. Too bad for her getting a used ring. Let yourself off the hook. His actions are no longer any of your concern.