Post # 1
So I’ve been married for almost a month (tomorrow will be one month) and I’m already very frustrated because of my husband. So my husband paid for most of our wedding (both parents did contribute a little bit a month ago, but my parents will be paying for another reception coming up – between the two of us he did pay for everything if you don’t count the little bit I charged on my card). Before we got married his parents gave “us” a wedding present of $10,000. It was never presented to us as a present, he just one day told me that his parents had given “us” money as their present (his parents also never told me or anything). He told me he didn’t want to use that money for the wedding but as we got closer to the wedding he said he would use a little bit. Bascially, I felt like I had no say as to how we would spend that money, I was just being told what we were going to do with it. So when we got married we got a lot of money as presents. I got really irritated because once again he started to tell me what we were going to do with the money instead of talking to me and discussing what “we” wanted to do with the money. I’m also really irritated that the money “we” got from his parents, he didn’t discuss with me what we were going to do with it and he deposited the money into his account. His reason for depositing into his account is because he paid for the wedding and because he was paying for the wedding (doesn’t make sense unless he upfront knew that he would be using that money on the wedding which he said he didn’t want to at first). I’ve brought up the idea of joint accounts after the wedding and his intial reaction was that he heard bad things about joint accounts. But I’m thinking that we’re married and all married couples should have a joint account (so basically I feel he doesn’t trust me with money). With all the money we got from the wedding, it should definitely be deposited into a joint account! My suggestion for the money was to use it on stuff we need for the house or to put into savings. Any money we get as presents should be “our” money and neither of us is more entitled to it than the other. Is it because his parents were the one who gave him the money, do I not have a say where that money is going to be spent? Or where it’s going to be deposited? I know that he doesn’t think that now that we are married that all money is our money, I get that because I’m still in school, but wedding present money should still be our money. I guess since I’m still in school and he is supporting both of us, I have no say when it comes to money. But I don’t think that should pertain to wedding presents at all. I hate that we are already fighting over money, but to me it’s not really about money but the principle and he doesn’t get that at all. How would you feel?
Post # 3
Did you two discuss how money and bank accounts would be handled when you were married?
Post # 4
@n_9: I disagree with your statement “I guess since I’m still in school and he is supporting both of us, I have no say when it comes to money.” I just don’t think that’s true. Couples will often have discrepancies in money but that doesn’t mean that the person currently making more money gets all the say.
I think you’re going to have an honest conversation with each other about how you plan to manage your fiances that goes beyond him saying “I’ve heard bad things about joint accounts.” You need to talk about your philosophy of money and how each of you can have some control over your financial present and financial future.
Yes, I’d be mad too–but I also would have made sure we were on the same financial page before getting married. I’d suggest working this out with each other ASAP.
Post # 5
No. But now I really wish that we did. I just assumed that money as gifts for the two of us, is for the two of us.
Post # 6
Currently I’m the breadwinner in the family, and I came into my marriage with savings (of which a fair chunk have gone for immigration stuff) and yet still I consider the money in the bank OUR money not MY money. The moment I could add Anton onto my accounts, I set up joint accounts for the 2 of us and made sure he had a card to use to access it too. We had talked about this a fair bit before the wedding though.
Furthermore, my folks also gave us money for the wedding, of which it went into OUR account to be decided by US how to spend it.
I think you need to sit down with your hubby and have a very frank conversation about money. It sounds like he’s got some pretty one-sided concepts of how money should be handled and it’s definitely a subject that can cause major issues if you can’t find a happy compromise.
Post # 7
I would feel upset by this situation as well. The 10k from his rents can be a bit difficult to discuss since it came from his folks and they never said anything to you, but I’d for sure say that the wedding gift money is yours as a couple. This would be where the joint account would be beneficial, and you could divide it up as you’d like (say 50% for house/couple things, 25% each for personal treats, etc). Even though you haven’t discussed finances before marriage, that’s not a reason to just feel that things have been set. I’d try to have a calm and rational discussion about it, and maybe even speak with a financial advisor or a counselor about financial management and how it affects relationships.
And I agree with Sapphire bride, just because you’re a student and not pulling in money at the moment shouldn’t mean you don’t have a say in family finances. I think the goal is to approach finances as a team. Whether that means splitting up bills or having a money manager and keeping the other one up to date on the bills and deciding big purchases together, it should be a shared discussion, not up to just one person.
Post # 8
You guys definitely need to have a frank talk – and this goes way beyond just wedding money. How are you going to combine or divide your finances? How are you going to pay the bills? How will you pay for individual expenses (he wants an Xbox, you want a pair of shoes?). How are you going to put money into savings or a retirement fund? Please sit down and hash all this out as soon as you can. Also, there is a thread around here that just started asking all the Bees what they do with their SOs around money (called “joint accounts?” or something) – many people have joint accounts they both contribute to and use to pay rent, bills, dinners, etc., but both partners keep separate accounts too for their own expenses. You guys should do some research on all the ways you might structure this and then pick one.
But to answer your question: yes, the wedding money should be in a joint savings account, and you are both entitled to it.
Post # 9
I’m going to go against the popular vote and say that a joint count really isn’t necessary. My DH and I don’t have a joint account. We have decided on what our financial responsibilities are (i.e. who is in charge of what bill), and then just manage the rest of what we earn individually. For our wedding gifts, we paid off our debts and whatever was left over, we put into our account according to who gave it to us. Money from “my people” went in my account, and money from “his people” went to him. It takes a lot of communication to figure out what works best for your relationship. You definitely need to have a discussion about it. Clearly he doesn’t like the idea of a joint account, so some negotiating needs to be done. Maybe have a “house” account, where you each put money in that goes for bills and house improvements and purchases, but then each have your own accounts to manage for everything else. There are so many variables that are different for every couple. Definitely talk it over!