(Closed) How would you feel about this?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: How would you feel about her behaviour?
    It seems innocent enough : (0 votes)
    This girls behaviour is not okay : (1 votes)
    100 %
    Other (please explain below) : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    Member
    14495 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    If I were in your shoes, I would be ok with a friendship but with set boundries based on respect for each others feelings.  Since you are uncomfortable with her lack of boundries that should be an indication to him that he needs to set better boundries with this girl. 

    I do have male friends, but I make sure that Darling Husband is comfortable in the way that myself and these friends interact.  Out of respect for him, if he is not comfortable then I need to change the way we do interact until he is comfortable.  Now, in saying that, I need to point out that neither of us is the jealous type, but there is a line in the sand that we both have and we have discussed where that line is time and time again.

    Post # 4
    Member
    221 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I don’t think you are crazy at all, but definitely wouldn’t be dealing with that. I think I have a little crazy in me though. I think it’s just a little much. Having a “girl” friend is one thing.. having an “annabell” is another..

    I don’t think it’s right that he makes you feel that way. Especially since you were ok with everything until she started saying the things she did. And now she is hanging out all the time? I don’t think you are out of line or wrong with your feelings at all. 

    I’m sorry you have to deal with that. Are you guys fighting when you talk to him? Can you maybe put it another way?

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    188 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    I really think you should have a sit down with your Fiance BEFORE the wedding. Have you had any pre-marital counseling? I agree with what tksjewelry said about setting boundaries. He might be thinking that you’re overreacting, but I do believe there’s cause for concern. I think the priority hierarchy in relationships that places best friends before girlfriend is okay. However, the spouse and children must come first before parents, siblings, extended family, best friends, etc once you get married. He needs to set boundaries and define their relationship now. If you both don’t discuss this before you get married, it may cause future conflicts. Miscommunication in a relationship is one of the main causes of divorce. This is why a lot of people recommend discussing everything in pre-marital counseling before actually getting married.

    When I was in high school, I had several close guy friends. My boyfriend knew that and he was 100% okay with it. However, he did get a bit uncomfortable when one of my guy friends started playing with my jacket zipper one day. He talked to me about it and I asked my friend to be more aware of my personal bubble space. We both didn’t see a problem with it, but then again this guy friend is more like one of the girls Wink. After I spoke to a few other guys, it became apparent that there are certain boundaries guys shouldn’t cross with taken girls. I didn’t know it but it was like an unwritten rule they all just had and understood. They also found it weird that my guy friend honestly didn’t know about it.

    Your Fiance probably just sees her as one of the guys or it’s because he knows she has always acted spoiled and clingy. He just writes it off as “her being her” and thinks nothing more of it. I doubt he sees her underlying intentions which can be blatenly obvious to any spectator. He needs to understand that while it means nothing to him, the way things appear will still hurt you since the mind and heart aren’t as connected as we’d like them to be. If he loves and respects you, he’ll try to avoid situations that make you feel that way.

    Post # 8
    Member
    70 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I think, as women, we have a sort of intuition about other women.  

    For some reason, boys always seem to be oblivious to it unless it is blatant.

    Most of the time we know if we are being insecure about ourselves or if there really is something to worry about.

    I think if you feel uncomfortable around this girl, instead of just casting your feelings aside your Fiance should really sit down and try to understand where YOU, his future WIFE is coming from.

    At the end of the day, it should be you and him against the world, not him & “Jezebel” oops, I mean Anabelle. Wink

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    2161 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    “Annabell comes over our house and drinks a lot and then you cant get her to leave even by being blunt and saying we would like to go to bed.”

    Male or female, I wouldn’t be thrilled with having to deal with such a needy “friend” nor would I be okay with my FI/DH/partner brushing my feelings aside to please her.  It sounds like he needs to get his priorities straight and grow a backbone with her.  

     

    Post # 10
    Member
    2095 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Looking at it from Annabell’s POV she is probably sad and lonely and angry and she figures he should be there for her regardless since they have that history. There is probably some jealousy on her end too. It would not surprise me if she did go over the line seeking validation to herself that she is still attractive and can have anyne she wants. Does that make it ok, no. But it wouldn’t be the first time that had happened either. In her mind she probably thinks that she can have him back whenver she wanted him, regardless of who he is with.

    I say some boundaries definitely need to be set. And unless you want to piss off your Fiance you need to put some sympathy towards her in your tone.IE. I understand that she is going through a rough time right now, but she needs to understand that there are things that we do as a couple and you cannot be there for her 24/7. Another example… Why don’t you have her call x for IT advice instead since he is much better at it than you are. Things like that. I have learned with guys that as long as you give them a nonemotional reason for doing something they are more likely to agree. Logic works wonders.

     

    Post # 11
    Member
    1686 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Honestly, I kind of know where she’s coming from. Most of what you said about her could describe me a few years ago. It sounds like she’s used to being the pretty girl and the center of male attention, and now she’s acting out because she’s having trouble letting go of your Fiance. It was one thing when he just had a girlfriend, and in the back of her mind she could believe that she could have him back any time she wanted. That he’s going ahead with marrying you changes that.

    Some girls get their self-worth from the number of men that want them. Not in a calculated and deliberate way; most of them would never believe it about themselves. There are a lot of different kinds of low self esteem. It sounds like Annabelle has issues with intimacy and monogamy and it’s very, very human to discard something or someone, only to regret it when we see that someone else has found that thing or person we threw away and finds it precious.

    It probably doesn’t help that she recently lost her boyfriend and is in a pretty low place in her life. I don’t mean that as an excuse for her behavior, just pointing out that if she does derive her feelings of worth from external sources, and relationships with the men in your social group in particular, she may be acting out because your fiance’s attention is the only thing she has making her feel good about herself right now. 

    I don’t think it makes her a bad person, I think it makes her human. I also think that despite their friendship, it’s up to your Fiance, not you, to tell her she needs to back off.

    And I think he absolutely needs to tell her.

    They’re friends, but he needs space in his personal life for his relationship. To him, they may be best friends, and he may be so over her and not even see what’s going on, but this is clearly a girl that sexualizes her relationships, even as friends, with the opposite sex. (Not judgment.) But to her, the longer he lets her go on like this, the more it will seem like he’s just not that into you, and that he would also have her back, if he could. And I can’t help wondering, if Annabelle were a male friend that says the things to you that she does and was constantly shoehorning into your home life, if your fiance might have addressed the issue already.

    The other thing to consider is that he may actually not be over her, and that his reason for letting her continue to be rude to you and intrude in your lives is that he’s conflicted. He should absolutely be willing to talk to you about this, and the fact that he either can’t or won’t see how she’s treating you (both of you as a couple, and you as his partner) coupled with him creating a situation where he’s hobbled your ability to stand up for yourself by saying that he won’t allow anyone to come between himself and this girl makes me wonder if he’s still got unresolved feelings toward her.

    I don’t know what to tell you, since it’s totally within your rights to ask that, if he’s not going to let you do it, your fiance stand up for your relationship (and you as an individual) to his friends. It’s hard having to choose between two people you care about, but she’s the one forcing the situation with her constant demands on his time and her rudeness to you. Right now, it sounds like you’re the one he’s shutting down, and it should be the other way around.

    I’m sorry, I don’t know any way you can tell him that you need him to tell her that three’s a crowd in your relationship without him making you the bad guy. I guess maybe you could print this thread off and read it to him or something.

    Post # 12
    Member
    2161 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    @Elvis:  What a great post!  You make a ton of valid points!

    Post # 13
    Member
    385 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    @RoRoRo:  I agree with you on this.  There is saying my Dad used -If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck – it is a duck.

    Trust your feeling and we honest with Fiance.  He sounds like he is trying to make both of you happy.  You as his fiance and her as a good long time friend.  I think he feels torn between the two of you.  (not by love but by how to do the right thing by both people)  Guys usually are completely blind to flirtatious inapropriate behavior  being given to themselves.  Like many on here have said set boundries. It doesn’t mean she can’t be his friend but she needs to be told by him YOU are number one in his life.

    When I first got together with my Fiance he said to me that he will always be friends with Annabell and no one would ever come between them. This was definately meant as a warning to me …

    He set the rules for you.  He needs to set then with Annabel.

    Post # 14
    Member
    2263 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I agree that I would not be okay with that, either. Innocent or not ( I do think it could be like the other bees said, she’s desperate for male attention because she’s always had it), this isn’t okay. It’s making you upset and for good reason. I’m glad your FH told her no several times already, he needs to keep doing so. Whatever you are or are not okay with should be set before the wedding, though. It’ll only get worse if lines are blurry! 

    Post # 15
    Member
    2227 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2012

    I think your frustration is 100% warranted! While my situation is not exactly the same, I can say that Mr Rugbee has several female friends that I am not fond of. They’ve all known him since before we met and are friends with his ex. The only one we still see once in a while is a flagrant drunk, which frustrates me to no end, because she always feels the need to confess her drunken dislike of me at the most inappropriate times. Usually along the lines of “I feel like you don’t respect me. You said XYZ two years ago and it makes me not like you.”

    I play nice when other people are around so as not to make a scene but Mr Rugbee knows I’d rather slam my hand in a car door repeatedly than spend time with her.

    Post # 16
    Member
    362 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I think your feelings are 100% valid. Having a female friend is not an issue. Have a frriend *male or female* who makes disparaging marks and is overbearing and intrusive is annoying and frustrating. Remove the gender issue and their history and you still have an annoying friend who seems over invested in hanging out with your Fiance. FI may just be trying to be a supportive friend as she just broke up with her Boyfriend or Best Friend and had to move back to her parent house.  It seems that he is trying to set up some boundaries, for example making sure you are areound when they hang out and telling her ‘no, we can hang out sunday.’ Trust me, she will dig her own grave with your Fiance if she continues to try to overstep. In the meantime, just continue be honest and clear with Fiance and make sure to set boundaries and clear expectations.

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