Post # 1
A few months ago, my boyfriend and I had a discussion about getting married. We have been together about 2 and a half years, and moved in together about 6 months ago. The marriage discussion happened after the topic of a European vacation came up. We have been discussing taking a trip overseas next spring, and I said to him my only concern is the cost, since we are already planning on moving out of state next summer. He doesn’t mind spending money on vacations because they make great memories. Anyways, his response to my concern was simply “why don’t we consider this trip a honeymoon then?” That statement completely caught me off guard. At the moment I was ecstatic and asked him if this was his way of informally proposing and he was like well sure. Lol so that was it! No speech, no down on one knee, no ring.
He then right away asked “would you rather have an engagement ring or an awesome 2 week honeymoon?” I, of course said well the awesome honeymoon would produce some great memories…” which I truly meant at the time. And just like that, the topic of the ring has not come up again.
We are planning on doing a very small private ceremony in the spring.. Haven’t set a date yet though. Haven’t really even told anyone yet– he is divorced and his last wedding cost over $30k. I told him I absolutely do not want that so I am fine with basically eloping. He hasn’t even told his family about this because he is embarrassed about his past failed marriage.
Fast forward to today and I am beginning to feel resentment about the whole thing. I don’t feel engaged, or excited about any of this when I should! I am beyond thrilled to be spending the rest of my life with this man and starting a family, but, deep down I really wish he would have put effort into something. I never thought that I would want a ring so badly, but the truth is, I do! It doesn’t have to be a diamond, as long as he puts thought into something that is all I care about. I am almost positive that most of his behavior stems from his divorce, however, in my eyes and heart, that doesn’t make it ok for me. I want to tell him how I feel without sounding so shallow and critical– the last thing I would want is to make the poor guy feel bad, considering this is a huge leap for him.
Am I crazy for feeling this way?
Post # 2
No you are not. Vacation can be with anybody, doesn’t has to be your bf. But the man who put the ring on the finger means alot to a woman, anybody can go on vacation with you….but there is only one person can put the ring on your finger…..
I had a friend who married without a ring. Due to their stiatuion, she was and still is wearing a plain ring on her finger. She told everyone she dun care about diamond or e-ring but I sensed that it actually matters to her. shortly after their simple wedding, she mentioned that one day she wants to buy a vintage sapphire ring as wedding ring… so if it dun matter, why would she mentioned that right? or maybe I’m sensitive
either way, a ring is a must for me. I don’t care rather I contribute on it or he does but without a ring, it feels weird. A lot of woman including my family and closed who knew I paid for the rings, felt that no woman should pay for their rings. But to me, my now Darling Husband contribute a big house to the marriage… so I think that even out. I still help paying mortgage with him of course but without him, we wouldn’t have a big nice house..
Post # 3
Anonnycgirl321: I would think you are going to mostly get the “You are marrying the man you love and that should be enough” answers. I’m one of them. I got proposed to while in the car, driving, running errands with my then Boyfriend or Best Friend. There doesn’t need to be puppies, trips to the top of the Eiffel Tower, jumbotrons to make this one of the most meaningful times in your life. The important thing is that you get to marry him. Plus, you turned down the ring and opted for a honeymoon after all…
Post # 4
Sorry, but vacation is kind of a lame excuse for an engagement. I wasn’t thrilled with my engagement, either. Ours was more of a discussion because my SO was going to be kicked out of the country from his visa expiring (we had been dating for 4 years anyways). It was worth it, but I still wish I had experienced him getting on one ring with a beautiful ring.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2016 - Cape May, NJ
I think it’s fine to want a ring, and be more official and thoughtful. I think you should tell him. But I also see his side, being divorced and seeing this all differently. Plus you told him you rather a honeymoon, so that’s what he did. I think it’s fine to say hey I know i said I prefer a honeymoon but now I’d also like some sort of official proposal.
Post # 7
Sounded like a fine proposal to me. If you want a ring discuss that with him. Pick out a few (within a budget) you like and show them to him to pick from. Offer to offset the cost since you initially agreed to a honeymoon instead of a ring by planning a special activity during your honeymoon that he’d enjoy like scuba driving or night at the opera. I don’t know him but something like that.
Take some cute pictures and send out engagement announcements
Post # 8
I know how you feel. My Fiance and I knew we wanted to get married and even started planning before a proposal. I didn’t care what kind of ring I received, I just wanted something on my finger. I ended up with a gorgeous moissanite that cost us less than $500, most of which I paid for myself. He proposed in a heartfelt manner, not a ton of pomp and circumstance, but a lot of genuine emotion, and it was perfect. I say if you want the ring, bring it up. Have some ideas in mind so he knows you don’t actually want a 5k slew of diamonds.
Post # 9
A ring was a must for me…as was a formal proposal but to each their own. If you feel like you would like a ring just be honest with you SO and tell him it’s important to you. I would feel the same way as you in this situation…I can see how it doesnt seem official without a proper proposal and ring. Just tell him how you are feeling!
Post # 10
I think the most concerning thing to me is that is sounds like he has all these unresolved issues stemming from his divorce. Are you sure HE is ready for marriage.
I may be in the minority with this one… but I get it. I would honestly still want some sort of gesture. I mean, he is asking you to spend the rest of his life with you… not just a trip to Walmart. It doesnt have to be a big deal but some effort would be appreciated for sure. It is a big deal and should be treated as such. It doesnt sounds like my idea of a decent proposal, but you need to communicate this with him. There is still time to get a ring (even if it is just a simple band) and he can formally ask you. But you need to be upfront with what you do want. And you both may need to have the, “is this the right time to get married” talk with each other. And deal with his divorce stuff first.
Good luck sweetie…
Post # 11
I think you should have told him about this before resentment started to build. Tell him how you feel, and how you want to proceed. Does HE feel engaged? is HE excited? Why didn’t he actually put thought into the “proposal” ?
Also, are you sure you’re BOTH ready for marriage? His divorce still seems to have a presence, given your post.
Post # 12
Idk, it does sound like a fun and romantic proposal to me. Sounds like he was very present in the moment and felt like he could say what he was really wanting, to marry you. It’d be a fun story to tell. I’ve certainly heard many more thoughtless and disingenuous proposals than this one. I think it’s all about how you look at it.
If a ring is important to you, just talk to him about it. Plenty of women get their rings after their proposals nowadays and there is an enormous amount of affordable options that wouldn’t damper your elopment/honeymoon funds.
Post # 13
I understand your feelings, and would probably feel very similarly. I think you need to have a genuine discussion with your Fiance. I mean, HE has been married before, but YOU haven’t…. and just because he had an expensive wedding (to the wrong woman) previously, shouldn’t taint the joy of your relationship. One of my friends was married previously and was a little gun shy when she met her (now) dh. He said to her, ‘don’t blame me for someone else’s mistakes.’ I understand his point and your situation reminds me of hers.
Could you say something similar to that? I mean…. some sort of a ring (even if it’s a plain band) and some sort of a proposal just so that you feel ‘special’ would be really appreciated! If you don’t care about the details, but just want him to ‘offically’ ask you, just say that. Let us know what happens 🙂
Post # 14
Anonnycgirl321: I seem to be going against the grain, but I don’t see what he’s done wrong or what his ‘issues’ might be. It seems like you’re the one who’s changed your mind. He did ask you what you wanted – the ring or the holiday – and he honoured your decision. Since you’ve agreed that you aren’t having the big traditional wedding, it seems reasonable (to me) for him to think it wouldn’t be necessary to have the big traditional proposal.
That said, your feelings are what they are. You should listen to your gut feeling, as resentment now will only lead to more problems. You need to let him know your feelings have changed about the ring / proposal.
Post # 15
My question is, are you really engaged? You said haven’t set a date yet or even shared the good news with any family and friends. Sorry, but that doesn’t sound engaged to me. If you’re planning a ceremony in the spring, you should at least be doing some planning now. Are you? If the answers to these questions is no I think a conversation is in order to establish where you really are in your relationship.
On the subject of a ring, I think if you want a ring you should have one. I personally wouldn’t consider myself engaged without one. It doesn’t have to be an expensive diamond ring as another poster said, but something that symbolizes your committment. And simply go on a slightly shorter, less expensive honeymoon.