(Closed) How would you feel about your man being friends with a former fling?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
9425 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

I don’t think its a big deal.  When I met Darling Husband his (and then our) group of friends for the first two years of our relationship included a girl he dated for a couple months–in fact, she’s the one who introduced him to that group! (After 2 years some really heavy stuff happened between a few people in the group and the whole group sort of disintigrated.)

I don’t know, it just never mattered to me.  Maybe because I have a few platonic friends myself who I had sex with before I met Darling Husband, and so I know first hand that it’s totally possible to get over someone 100%, especially if they were never that big a deal to begin with.

So, no I don’t think you’re crazy.

Post # 17
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969 - City, State

Considering she has been and is likely going to be part of his or his family’s life in some way or form, it would be best to accept that the past cannot be rewritten and perhaps tell your SO you would like to go along to any sports event or holiday trip and get along with her. Your SO should be completely fine and at ease with you being there, and he should send very clear message that he is committed to you and you only.

 

Post # 18
Member
7640 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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paigelove :  I’m going to (partly) go against the majority here.

In a group setting (preferably with you present) – mainly fine. Though he should be willing to avoid situations which bother you (does he really need to attend sporting events with her and without you, even in a group?).

One-on-one – not fine. I’d be furious if an ex “helped him study for a test” (like, why can’t he study alone?). That seems to be pushing closeness unnecessarily. Your partner should be avoiding situations like that.

Post # 19
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

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paigelove :  Ehhhhh, that’s a no for me. I had a male friend ages ago who I slept with a grand total of 3 times. All 3 times…the sex was awful, and we went right back to being buddies. There just wasn’t chemistry between us! That being said, I’m not friendly with him now and we don’t hang out. I just think it’s a common courtesy thing to not hang out with people you’ve fucked when you’re in a relationship. There are enough people in the world who you haven’t had sex with to be friends with…so why go there?  

That being said, I’m totally cool with Darling Husband having female friends, one of his friends “Lisa” he’s been friends with since age 13…but nothing ever happened between them. They are basically dude friends who grew up next door to each other. She’s always been welcoming to me and nearly always has a man in her life, she’s very happy with who she is. One of my best friends, “Kevin”, and I’ve been friends with since I was about 15 years old, and nothing has ever happened between us. Again, we’re basically dude friends. When we hang out we drink beer and play pool, but there is literally zero attraction on either end. His wife and I have become great friends over the last few years. She’s great, we’ve hung out during just girls nights, and she has zero problem with us hanging out. 

Post # 20
Member
626 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
paigelove :  Don’t think it matters at all. Actually, I think it’s a good sign that they’re still friends. It shows maturity, and indicates that he treats women respectfully.

As you said, it was ages ago. If they wanted it to be something more, they had ample time to make it happen. It didn’t. The only thing that makes me hesitate is the “somewhat using her” comment. That’s not cool at all. I’m hoping he didn’t mean that, and just blurted it out in an attempt to reassure you that there are no lingering emotions.

I had a similar situation. I kissed a long-time family friend (and close friend) ages ago. We realized it wasn’t meant to be more, were both reasonable and mature about it, and transitioned into being friends with very little drama. We’re still very close friends. We’re both married, and now we hang out with each other’s spouses, too. It worked out very well. Don’t worry that a long-ago hookup means anything in the present.

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